A Further Delay.... Accepting with Joy

As I have overstated too many numerous times, I am still not completely comfortable with my place in the "blogsphere." Being open about general life is a struggle for me, let alone something as personal as the desire for a baby, and as intimate as the journey to making that baby. On top of this, I don't think I have fully been able to let go of the dream of surprising our friends and family with the secret of a growing life inside me. I really struggle with how many details I share with people about where we are in the fertility journey. Some people have no problem proudly stating their hormone levels, their cycle day, medicine regiment, etc... I.can't.do.it! A lot this probably has something to do with my hatred of failure.  I stupidly attempt to be perfect in everything (but I realize I fall short in the majority of things attempted.) I know how disappointed we are every.single.time we see that dreaded single line (I can not bring myself to buy the digital pregnancy tests, because the negative tests read "not pregnant." How cruel is that!??!) There is a part of me that doesn't want others to have to share that disappointment too.

We recently failed our first round of true fertility drugs - not hormones, just meds. I wasn't surprised... I knew I wasn't pregnant. After having tracked every nuance of my cycle for 18+ months, I know my body. I knew when I was going to start 7 days before it happened, but I was off by 2 hours - still honing my skills. So it wasn't devastating, but very disappointing. I kept begging God for a miracle, for a surprise. I think it was one of the first times I ever asked God to prove me dead wrong.:) I held onto a sliver of hope, just in case it it was our month for a miracle, while my gut wrestled to find peace without a positive test. To complicate things even more, my husband was going to be out of town the last week of my cycle - the perfect time to test. My progesterone looked great the week before, but I have had some serious issues with maintaining a healthy progesterone level in the past, so one good blood level did not ease my concern. I didn't want to find out I was pregnant without my husband, especially in case something happened while he was out of town. The mere thought nearly suffocated me. Since my progesterone levels were fine, my doctor was fine with me waiting until Jared got back in town to test. As I was going to bed one night, something was gnawing at me... something wasn't right, I wasn't at peace. I was restless. At first, I just thought it was horrible largeness of our king size bed - it felt too empty without my husband. But I quickly realized that was not it. I started praying. Slowly I realized that while many of my thoughts, fears, and concerns that had gone into the plan we concocted about when to test for pregnancy, were valid, fear was an overwhelming ingredient. I detest fear. I wish I could say it was only for highly spiritual reasons, such as "where God exists there is no fear", but being perfectly honest, it probably has more to do with being a possible sign of weakness. Ouch. Gag. Just typing that horrible, prideful, blackness is painful and nauseating. But on the other side of things, I really haven't dealt with fear much in my life. I know satan despises this about me and would love nothing more then to get a foothold in my heart and spirit with his claws of fear. So I prayed. After a while I felt the need to "raise my ebenezer" (see lyrics to Come Thou Fount). I told Jesus, I would take a test the next morning. It really wasn't a bold statement or commitment since my husband was coming home the next evening, but it was a big step for me. Everything inside my heart when quiet, and I fell into a peaceful slumber. Got up the next morning, and took a test. My heart didn't raise, and thump out of my chest, or hands shake so much they nearly drop the test into the toilet, which is what usually happens every other time I have taken a pregnancy test. It was clearly negative. Of  course I rechecked it like 30 times in the next 20 minutes... but it was clearly negative. And I was ok... 90% of me had known it would be negative. 30 minutes after the test, however, I got a figurative slap in the face - I entered into cycle day 1.  In a split second, I went from being in my first cycle on fertility drugs, to a new cycle, and having start all over again.  God and I had several "Are you serious, God, could I not have caught a break this one time. I had gotten to a right and healthy place in my heart, where I was willing to step out of my comfort zone and take a test without my husband. I was going to do it. Could I have not had started my period before I had to take that test. Did I really need to add one more negative test to my resume?" In all honesty, I never got a response... at least not a specific response. But the answers, I know I carry in my heart, from years of previous trials and heartbreaks. I know He was sad for me, even though He allowed this sadness to descend upon me yet again. And after a while (sometimes a long while) I always find comfort in that. 


The next few days were going to be crazy busy and socially packed. Exactly what I did not want to be doing. PJ's, sappy movies, a box of tissues, and good book sounded much more like the perfect weekend to me. However, of course, the already laid out plans were just what I needed to help me get through. 


So we are onto another phase in the journey. Same protocol this month, since all my previous tests and imaging looked good. We will see what happens...


Now thou shalt see what I will do.
Exodus 6:1


"The further delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God; that the Son of God might be glorified....

My Lord, if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you....


When you bear the seed of Impatience in your heart instead of the flower of Acceptance-with -Joy, you will always find that your enemies will over take you...


He has brought me here when I did not want to come for His own purpose. I, too will look up into His face and say "Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden, Acceptance-with-Joy!"
Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

Things heard, seen, and observed in Pediatric Medical Settings

I seriously think I work in one of the most entertaining settings - pediatric nursing. Yes, there are a lot of heart breaks, but I don't want to focus on those. You can't talk about pediatric nursing or medicine without bringing up the other half other equation - the parents! And while the kids provide plenty of entertainment themselves, the parents provide their own elements of entertainment... and frustrations! Here is a glimpse into a day in the life of pediatrics. Enjoy!:)

A patient's mom calls the office for home care advice after her child "done got bit" by their neighbor's pet skunk. Seriously - who keeps a pet skunk, and who on earth lets their kid play with one?? Mom wasn't sure if they skunk was up to date on the rabies shots, so should her child get them instead?

Another patient's mom calls in hysterics saying her child needs a kidney transplant "STAT!"  It is discovered that mom came to this conclusion as her daughter's urine was cloudy and odorous. No other complaints. Upon further investigation, it is discovered the child loves canned asparagus and ate an entire can prior to going to bed. It should also be noted that the patient is 4 years old. Mom was quite relieved to know her daughter should survive.

This same mom calls a few weeks later saying her other daughter, who is 4 months old, needs to be hospitalized for abdominal pain and diarrhea. It is quickly discovered that mom makes a habit of letting the four month suck on pieces of the food they get form the local chinese buffet, or any other type of "saucy" foods. Her thought process is that this early introduction to a variety of flavor will prevent a picky eater.

A dad brings his 3 year old daughter in for a sick visit. The complaint - her kitty cat wasn't feeling right. Come to find out, he thought she might have a urinary tract infection. I was used to kitty cat region being referred to as the "whoo ha ha" quite commonly... Kitty Cat was a new one!

A 17 year old female is dragged into the clinic by her furious mom, who has recently discovered her daughter is sexually active. Apparently, no form of birth control has been used. The interview/exam goes something like this.
Medical Staff: so how long have you been sexually active?
Patient: um.... well, maybe like, I don't know, um... like, around 6 months, I think. I don't really remember.
Medical Staff: what type of protection are you using
Patient: we don't really, since he isn't sleeping with anyone else right now

A discussion ensues one the many ways this is faulty thinking.

Medical Staff: When was your last period?
Patient: Um... like maybe 6 weeks ago
Medical Staff: ok, well, let's do a pregnancy test.
Patient: Oh I am not pregnant, cause see we have been (proceeds to tell us what her "BFF Jill" told her was a fool proof, yet unprotected, version of intercourse.)
Medical Staff: well, trust me when I tell you that does NOT work. How many times have you had sex since becoming sexually active?
Patient: I mean, not that much, not enough to be pregnant.
Medical Staff: it only takes once - how many times?
Patient: I don't know, really too many to count I guess.
Medical Staff: ok in the last month how many times would you guess?
Patient: Hmmm... every day.
Silence
Medical Staff: you have had sex every day for the past month?
Patient: well for the last 6 weeks... we were on Christmas break you know.
Medical Staff personal thoughts: well if you aren't pregnant, you are one lucky lady, or your boyfriend's "boys" don't know how to swim.

Ten minutes later, after a miraculously negative pregnancy test, we deliberate as to whether she needs to go see a fertility specialist, or if we should break the news to the boyfriend that his "boys" are sadly lacking. Amongst ourselves only - we didn't broach either idea with the patient or her family.:)


We all remember the good ol' H1N1 Influenza Pandemic, right? Here is a little glimpse at what medical offices were dealing with daily.

- Concerned parent calls in stating the family needs to be treated for that mexican flu thing... they had a mexican looking waiter at Ryan's Steakhouse.

- Grandmother calls in wanting her granddaughter tested for the "hiney" flu. I mean, I guess h1n1 could look like "hiney/hini," right?:)

- A mom informed us, in all seriousness, that in order to protect her kids she had quit buying "pig bacon", but she couldn't bring her self to buy that fake turkey bacon. Recently, it was getting so bad that she wasn't even going to let her kids eat their favorite ham and cheese sandwiches. Only peanut butter and jelly in their lunch boxes. It was tough, but you know "you do what you gotta do to protect your kids?" Yes ma'am you sure do.

- Another family was worried about their well being because they lived next to a pig farm. "You know, that  H1N1 flu grows on pigs and floats in the air."

On to other topics of humor.

- One family informed me their son had "done got the Malasia."
Come to find out, the patient was diagnosed with tracheomalacia.... you don't "done get it" you're "done born with it?" And don't worry, its not contagious, although they worried for some time about "catching it" and proceeded to wear masks for quite some time. During this same time, the family learned a new word: demise. They loved it! They used it all the time. Everything demised all the time. Their property law suit was always demising. Pretty sure, even the "Malasia" done got demised from time to time.

- A mom called wanting to know if we knew how to treat the "I Don't Know Virus" as she didn't feel the local ER knew what to do about her daughter's case of said virus. I told her I really hadn't heard of this virus, and proceeded to get the records from the diagnosing ER. As I thought, the child had adenovirus.:) I-Dont-KnowVirus and Ad-en-no-Virus do sound similar.

And now I would like to focus on names. People, please, there is soooo much in a name... Kids have enough stuff deal with in through in life, so don't make their names a struggle too. Start them off right, with a name that heads them off to success. If you do decide to get creative, don't be mad when your child's name is mispronounced, misspelled, and misunderstood time and time again...
For example:
- Le-ah, will probably be pronounced the way it looks/is spelled - Leah. Not Le-DASH-ah, as you had originally anticipated. For real - this is becoming an ever increasingly popular name.

-Chocolate Mattress will always sound like a bed made of candy cars, not Shock-o-lot Mat-reese (in a french accent.)

- Lemonjello and Orangello do in fact, sadly exist, outside the grocery isle.

- And how are we supposed to begin trying to pronounce Abcde. Again, an amazingly common name.

- IF you decide hyphens and/or apostrophes are required in the spelling of you child's name, please remember the correct position of the punctuation. Otherwise, the 5 different ways you spell your child's name every time you come in/call can get really stinking confusing.

- Giving your child an angelic sounding name such as "Neveah (heaven backwards), Serenity,  or A'blessing/Ablessin' (my favorite is when this name shares the middle name of "today"), etc... well, it usually backfires.

- Oh, and Marijuana and Margarita may sound pretty, but are never good ideas. Ever!


This is just a brief summary, and only scratches the surface.

I love my job!:)

Though He linger, Wait for Him

I just read this scripture over on A's blog - Remember all the Way and loved it! So timely, and so applicable to so many areas and times in life.

For the revelation awaits

an appointed time;

it speaks of the end

and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

it will certainly come

and will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:3

Better than a Hallelujah

I am loving one of Amy Grant's new songs, Better Than a Hallelujah. Growing up, Amy Grant was one of my favorite childhood music artists. I mean, for a kid it doesn't get much better then Grape, Grape Joy. Tennessee Christmas will forever be another favorite. I was born (and raised) in Nashville, Tn right around the time Amy Grant exploded onto the Christian music scene. I remember getting asked all the time as kid if I was named after her. Another interesting, and completely unrelated side note - ET was picture of the year when I was born. I was born with ridiculously long skinny fingers (I wear a 3.5-4 ring size, can reach a 12th on the piano, and palm a women's basketball. And yes, I am only 5'3".) My brown eyes are the same size now as they were when I was born. It wasn't until around my 11th or 12th birthday that I realized that my dad did not in fact carry around a picture of ET telling people it was my baby picture, as I had been previously told.


Back to the real meaning of this post. I love the honesty in this song:

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

To me, it is such a beautiful reminder of what an incredibly kind, merciful, loving, and compassionate Lord I serve. He loves to hear me pour out my misery, to hear my cries when the words won't come, better then me singing praises... sometimes. I think a lot of Christians get mistakenly hung up on this fact/gift, and abuse grace far too often. The Fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control, after all. Our song of life should not always be "gloom and doom/woe is me." However, our gracious Heavenly Father allows us, in our humanness, to pour out our hearts to Him, so He can share our sorrows, sufferings, and burdens. I need to be reminded of this - I need to be weak, broken, and humbled in His Presence. 

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10

Too often I tend to attempt to be strong on my own, sometimes to the point of preventing the Arms of my Heavenly Father carrying me as far as He would desire.

This song holds another special meaning for me - the word Hallelujah. I love this word, and always have. I love the Hallelujah Chorus. Hallelujah just sounds so majestic, angelic, powerful, gorgeous, glorious, etc...  There is another "Hallelujah Song" I love -  Julianne Hough's - My Hallelujah Song! If you don't like this song... well, I might consider still being your friend, but I will never see you in the same light. :)

When people know you are wanting to start a family, naturally one of the questions that is often asked is "So have you discussed names?" The answer is, yes we have, in great detail. We have a list that we have compiled and edited over the last few years. Unfortunately, the hubs and I do not agree on name styles. I love good ol' Nashville names, a few southern bred names, double/hyphenated names, and names that would definitely be considered "Fringe/alternative." Jared likes plain, boring, simple - John and Caroline are as exciting as it gets. And I adore both of these names, but so does the majority of the population! I want unique, individualistic, and memorable. Because of this major road block, I don't think (or try not to) think of our future children with my favorite names... I am weird about mental and emotional associations, especially names. Hello schizo, nice to meet you again.... I have had a girl's name picked out for ~ 10 years, and my heart is set on it... but we will fight that battle when we get there. One thing that is the greatest strength in my relationship with my husband, has always been our ability to compromise. So I am not worried. But I needed some sort of name for when I pray for our future children, etc.... And then it came to me a few months ago - my Hallelujah Babies. It doesn't matter their gender, their biologic beginnings, their ethnicity, etc... if they become our children, they will be our Hallelujah Babies. The babies we have longed and begged the Lord for. The babies that we will daily rejoice and praise for the Lord for. They will be a constant reminder His loving kindness and faithfulness. They will be our constant Hallelujah!

For this child I have prayed....

1 Samuel 1:27

The Days of Our Life

I have been horrendous about blogging lately! The mini home remodel and cable/internet outage "threw of my groove" big time! The house is finally getting all put back together, and the internet and cable are somewhat better. Life is getting back to normal. My husband is currently yelling at the UT vs Arkansas basketball game... ah, all is right with the world!

Speaking of life, I thought I would give you a little glimpse into days of our life. Its not exactly thrilling, but  it certainly isn't boring. Its our life, and while I might like to add a thing or two (baby/babies!), there really isn't anything I want to subtract. Its a little crazy busy at times, and I do long for more "home time", but I know that will come with time, and I don't want to wish away the present. We have been very blessed indeed, and I hope I never loose sight of that. Most days, I feel like I am slacking in  my housewifely duties, but with working full time and being involved in a college ministry... housewife duties often have to wait until the weekend. I'd like to work out more too....

Monday:
Mondays are not kind to me... and I am not entirely sure why. I will have a headache, it is guaranteed. It is also usually a long work day for the both of us. I always say I going to grocery shop during the weekend, but that rarely never happens, so by Monday, we have very little food, and I am off to the grocery store, with a raging headache. This situation sets me up perfectly to buy a quite a few things we were not out of, and forget several things we needed. One day, I will be better at this task... and get back to my couponing... oh, and meal planning.... one day. I also always seem to forget to pay bills over the weekend, and realize Monday is the last night I will have to do it before we are delinquent - fan-freaking-tabulous.
The past few weeks, we have had girls intramural basketball on Monday nights (Jared "coaches" our girls team). Games are often followed by a trip to a FroYo joint on the strip, where Jared sits sulking about how his manhood is rapidly diminishing with ever passing second! We are doing good if we are home by 10:30, and in bed by 11pm. Raging headache has accompanied faithfully all the while.

Tuesdays:
I split my time between two offices on Tuesday, which provides good variety. Hubs and I talk on the phone on our way home (his commute is usually 1-2 hours - ugh). Once I hit the door home, its a quick dinner at home, or on campus with some college girls, followed by Girls Bible Study. We are studying Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild - I highly recommend it! I try to be home by 9:30ish, so hubs and I can actually see each other before crashing for the night. He has usually worked out, and I am tired after my long day, we usually go to bed on the earlier side on Tuesdays. After we watch NCIS!

Wednesdays:
Hump days are great... usually. We have tried to keep our Wednesday our "home night" so we could have at least one night at home, just the two of us, to chill, watch TV, etc... Last semester  nights, we helped lead a life group discussion on Wednesday, and we had some intramural sporting events this semester, so our Wednesday nights have not been as relaxing, but we are back to them being free... for now.

Thursdays:
Again, I am at two different offices. Its usually my latest day of the week. Once we get home from work, we grab a quick meal, either at home or at one of favorite restaurants - Salsaritas. Then, it is off to Bible Study on campus. Some Thursdays though, we decide to either just spend time together, or with family, if we have been on campus a lot already that week.

Fridays
Thank goodness, we have reached the end of the week, and the weekend (aka sleep) is around the corner! I usually get off work a little early, which is super nice. Friday night/evenings  we go to dinner with Jared's family, watch movies, hang out with family, and often times, have college student or two hanging out with us. We usually end up falling asleep on our massive bean bag, in front of the tv. Its glorious!

Saturdays
I am too embarrassed to say how late we stay in bed - its almost sinful for people our age. Let me just say that I get up, on average, two hours before my husband. Weekend mornings are chill out time for us. We have gone gone gone all week, and we need to recharge. I enjoy several cups of coffee with a good book, some tv shows (until Jared wakes up and its time for Sports Center and College Game day), internet catch up, etc... Saturday afternoons are for chores - house cleaning from top to bottom, laundry, filling, etc... Saturday nights, we usually eat dinner at Jared's parents house, followed by a movie, or more college kids at the house... until the wee hours of Sunday morn.

Sundays:
During the "School Year" we don't go to a church service in the morning. Our college service is at night (what college kid wakes up before 11 on any day they don't have class!?!). During the summer months, and Christmas break, our mornings are spent at the one and only church my husband has ever attended - lots of history there! Side note, the lady who hosted my wedding shower at our church, hosted my mother-in-law's baby shower when was pregnant with Jared! Pretty cool, uh? But when classes are in session we get to sleep in, spend time together, and finish up any other responsible adult activities needed before the start of another week. Sunday evening, we eat dinner with the college kids prior to the church service. The events are usually over by 8:30, followed by some more fellowshipping/hanging out... we peace out and head home around 9-9:30.

After writing that, I don't feel so bad about feeling so tired most nights!:)

So there you have it folks - our life in a nutshell!

I often say I would love just two more hours in the day - it would make working out consistently, and maintaining my long distance friendships so much easier!! I constantly feel guilty that I am not doing enough to maintain all  my incredible friendships with many back in my home town. Oh yeah, and all my siblings, and extended family. Coming from a large family, and wide circle of friends, is such an incredible gift, but maintaining relationships with all those people.... well, there never seems to be enough time.

For upcoming posts, I am thinking
1. "things heard, seen and done in a pediatric office"
2.  something involving what NOT to do during your child's visit to their pediatrician
3.  Meet the family (mine and Jared's)

Until next time....

His ways are higher than mine.

I found this sweet poem over at Lyndie's blog. It was too perfect and appropriate not to share.

Pink or Blue

God, pink or blue, I do not care

Its sex is neither here nor there.
I pray you see my longing heart,

And in motherhood, let me take part.

I ask this out of selfishness,

But pray you grant it none the less.

I will do my best to raise them right,

To ignite in them your holy light.

And if it not be, Comfort me please.

Mend my heart and give me peace.

And help me to see and understand,

Your will is much greater than what I had planned.



Silence

Silence in "blogdom" for those in the TTC (trying to conceive) circle generally can be a indiciation of pregnancy. Fear not - this is NOT the reason I have been so absent lately. After our mini-house remodel, our internet and cable have not been working. Work has been SLAMMED lately (silly snotty nosed kids!) so work posts are just not going to happen.

Hope to be back up and running soon... if our cable guy will actually show up as schedule for once. Ugh.

Until next time...