Christ Delivered what the Easter Bunny Never Could.

I haven't gotten any type of Easter gift in years. However, as a kid, my Easter basket was always full of goodies. My mom is sort of  a health nut, so we didn't get a ton of candy, but still got plenty of "specialness" in our baskets.  My siblings and I always got white chocolate lambs, while every other friend and/or cousin I knew got "brown" chocolate candy pieces. In my early years, I just thought my parents were uber spiritual and bought us white chocolate as it was more pure in appearance then dark chocolate. Actually, it was later discovered that my mom detests dark chocolate - who buys their kids something they themselves don't like?  Ha ha I also loved getting an Easter dress every year, even if was "just" a loaner, or hand-me-down from an older family friend.  These  dresses will forever be two of  my favorites:

Side note: can we talk about the adorable hunk of chunk sitting next to me?:) That would be my brother, Daniel (PS he is just as cute, though skinnier, today AND single!) 

This year I was so proud that I was wearing the prettiest dress in our entire church. Really I was, - I looked, evaluated, and judged. One of the few times in life I named myself a winner!:)

Easter was not just about easter baskets, dresses,  and egg hunts in our home. We grew up understanding the real reason we celebrated - the death and resurrection of our Savior. I don't really have any clear memories of when the overall picture of salvation became clear to me - it just always was there, in the tapestry of my childhood. I clearly remember the night when I gave my heart to the Lord... but other then that, I always just understood that Jesus loved me so much He died on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins, so I could live eternally with Him. Now, as an adult Easter Sunday is one of my favorite Sundays in church - I love worshipping on this morning! So often we make worship about us not Jesus. But on Easter, more then most Sundays, everyone seems very aware of the true reason we gather in celebration to worship.


So while, for me,  Easter has never been about the more "pagan" activities that surround the holiday, I was hoping for an extra special gift in my figurative Easter Basket - a baby. It didn't happen. Last month I wasn't surprised or devastated when the test read negative. I knew I wasn't pregnant. This month felt different though, and I allowed myself, for the first time in over 12 months, to actually hope. There was a part of me that just couldn't imagine a better time to find out we were pregnant than around the Easter holiday - what an extra special reason to celebrate. I get a little sick rereading what I just typed, even though, it was honestly the way I felt. Its acceptable, and understandable for kids to make spiritual holidays somewhat about them - all the gifts they get, the fun things they get to do, special foods, etc... But here I am, in my married adulthood, and for the first time, I made Easter about me.


Good Friday was not a good day for me - I was off work and simply did housework and caught up on some television all day. Usually I love these simple days. Not this day - it was too much quiet time for my always overactive brain to think.... and instead of focusing on all the wonderful blessings God has given me, I focused on the ache in my heart, the emptiness of my arms, and lack of vision for my future. I tried for focus on the true meaning of Good Friday, but I don't think I was too successful. I spent the majority of the day on the verge of tears, but could not for the life of me squeeze out a tear. I even tried watching certain videos and shows (usually having to do with babies) and listening to certain songs that usually start the water works. None of them really worked. I would tear up, but the torrent of emotion pent up inside never found an outlet.


I have been noticing this a lot more for the past 6-8 weeks - I am not crying as much. I tear up all the freaking time, but don't actually cry about the infertility. Anything having to do with kids or babies - songs, shows, commercials, specials at church, etc... always let out a flood of tears before. I was starting to worry that I was turning into a stone (a former favorite coping skill of mine.) I so did not want this to be happening. However, there are certain Christian songs that can bring on wave upon wave of mysterious emotion, including tears. This happens daily.


This morning, my husband did a very kind thing - he gave up his one morning to sleep in, and took me to one of my favorite places - the Biltmore Estate! On the way there we were listening to a new CD I had put together of christian songs. As this song came on, I teared up again, but this time realization and understanding came.

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

I get really confused about the purpose of both faith and hope in our Christian walk - what their relationship should be, what the proportions of each should be. I do not hope well for myself (especially in our infertility), but I do have immense faith in the Love of my Heavenly Father. I haven't had much hope in our journey to become parents, but the dream of being a mom is there, and its withering quickly. In spite of the withering of this dream, my faith has remained constant - and that is what hurts so deeply. I know Jesus could plop a little ball of baby cells into my uterus in a nano second. I know He hears all my cries for help, tears of pain, and endless questions. I know He sees my husband weary and helpless as to how to continue to provide comfort to his grieving wife. I know He feels all of this with me. I know He aches for me. I know He is tired for Jared. I know He knows the answers, and has a plan for the explanation of them. I grasp the omnipotence of my Heavenly Father...  I realize His Majesty... I revere His sovereignty... To the extent my human mind can. For now, His answer to me is "No!" 


I am not having a crisis of faith. I am not doubting whether Jesus hears me, loves, care for me, etc... Its nothing like that. Its simply the melding of my christian heart and my mother's heart, in seemingly such opposition, and its painful!

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand

This is when the beauty of the childhood gift of  "just always knowing" shines through. I have no idea why I was given such a gift. My mom recently wrote an email to us kids about "Unmerited Grace." Our family have been blessed with a Mother and Father who are deeply devoted to each other, and more so to their faith. All 5 of us kids are actively living a Christian life, independently of our parents faith. And it has all come somewhat "easily." Have we had our trials and temptations? Most definitely! But by the grace of God, we have stayed the course, and never doubted. 

If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

I know He will hold my heart. He is holding it.  He has not let go. He always has, and will forever, hold my heart.

Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer

Somehow... Moms always know how to find the right words to comfort, instruct, encourage, and support... even when in the lyrics of strangers. 

Thanks Mommy!

Jesus, draw me ever nearer

Jesus draw me ever nearer

As I labour through the storm.

You have called me to this passage,

and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,

May I rise on wings of faith;

And at the end of my heart's testing,

With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;

Keep my spirit staid and sure.

When the midnight meets the morning,

Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial 

Form within me as I go - 

And at the end of this long passage,

Let me leave them at Your throne.

Keith and Kristyn Getty

Listen Here

The video is slightly corny...

A Further Delay.... Accepting with Joy

As I have overstated too many numerous times, I am still not completely comfortable with my place in the "blogsphere." Being open about general life is a struggle for me, let alone something as personal as the desire for a baby, and as intimate as the journey to making that baby. On top of this, I don't think I have fully been able to let go of the dream of surprising our friends and family with the secret of a growing life inside me. I really struggle with how many details I share with people about where we are in the fertility journey. Some people have no problem proudly stating their hormone levels, their cycle day, medicine regiment, etc... I.can't.do.it! A lot this probably has something to do with my hatred of failure.  I stupidly attempt to be perfect in everything (but I realize I fall short in the majority of things attempted.) I know how disappointed we are every.single.time we see that dreaded single line (I can not bring myself to buy the digital pregnancy tests, because the negative tests read "not pregnant." How cruel is that!??!) There is a part of me that doesn't want others to have to share that disappointment too.

We recently failed our first round of true fertility drugs - not hormones, just meds. I wasn't surprised... I knew I wasn't pregnant. After having tracked every nuance of my cycle for 18+ months, I know my body. I knew when I was going to start 7 days before it happened, but I was off by 2 hours - still honing my skills. So it wasn't devastating, but very disappointing. I kept begging God for a miracle, for a surprise. I think it was one of the first times I ever asked God to prove me dead wrong.:) I held onto a sliver of hope, just in case it it was our month for a miracle, while my gut wrestled to find peace without a positive test. To complicate things even more, my husband was going to be out of town the last week of my cycle - the perfect time to test. My progesterone looked great the week before, but I have had some serious issues with maintaining a healthy progesterone level in the past, so one good blood level did not ease my concern. I didn't want to find out I was pregnant without my husband, especially in case something happened while he was out of town. The mere thought nearly suffocated me. Since my progesterone levels were fine, my doctor was fine with me waiting until Jared got back in town to test. As I was going to bed one night, something was gnawing at me... something wasn't right, I wasn't at peace. I was restless. At first, I just thought it was horrible largeness of our king size bed - it felt too empty without my husband. But I quickly realized that was not it. I started praying. Slowly I realized that while many of my thoughts, fears, and concerns that had gone into the plan we concocted about when to test for pregnancy, were valid, fear was an overwhelming ingredient. I detest fear. I wish I could say it was only for highly spiritual reasons, such as "where God exists there is no fear", but being perfectly honest, it probably has more to do with being a possible sign of weakness. Ouch. Gag. Just typing that horrible, prideful, blackness is painful and nauseating. But on the other side of things, I really haven't dealt with fear much in my life. I know satan despises this about me and would love nothing more then to get a foothold in my heart and spirit with his claws of fear. So I prayed. After a while I felt the need to "raise my ebenezer" (see lyrics to Come Thou Fount). I told Jesus, I would take a test the next morning. It really wasn't a bold statement or commitment since my husband was coming home the next evening, but it was a big step for me. Everything inside my heart when quiet, and I fell into a peaceful slumber. Got up the next morning, and took a test. My heart didn't raise, and thump out of my chest, or hands shake so much they nearly drop the test into the toilet, which is what usually happens every other time I have taken a pregnancy test. It was clearly negative. Of  course I rechecked it like 30 times in the next 20 minutes... but it was clearly negative. And I was ok... 90% of me had known it would be negative. 30 minutes after the test, however, I got a figurative slap in the face - I entered into cycle day 1.  In a split second, I went from being in my first cycle on fertility drugs, to a new cycle, and having start all over again.  God and I had several "Are you serious, God, could I not have caught a break this one time. I had gotten to a right and healthy place in my heart, where I was willing to step out of my comfort zone and take a test without my husband. I was going to do it. Could I have not had started my period before I had to take that test. Did I really need to add one more negative test to my resume?" In all honesty, I never got a response... at least not a specific response. But the answers, I know I carry in my heart, from years of previous trials and heartbreaks. I know He was sad for me, even though He allowed this sadness to descend upon me yet again. And after a while (sometimes a long while) I always find comfort in that. 


The next few days were going to be crazy busy and socially packed. Exactly what I did not want to be doing. PJ's, sappy movies, a box of tissues, and good book sounded much more like the perfect weekend to me. However, of course, the already laid out plans were just what I needed to help me get through. 


So we are onto another phase in the journey. Same protocol this month, since all my previous tests and imaging looked good. We will see what happens...


Now thou shalt see what I will do.
Exodus 6:1


"The further delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God; that the Son of God might be glorified....

My Lord, if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you....


When you bear the seed of Impatience in your heart instead of the flower of Acceptance-with -Joy, you will always find that your enemies will over take you...


He has brought me here when I did not want to come for His own purpose. I, too will look up into His face and say "Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden, Acceptance-with-Joy!"
Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

Things heard, seen, and observed in Pediatric Medical Settings

I seriously think I work in one of the most entertaining settings - pediatric nursing. Yes, there are a lot of heart breaks, but I don't want to focus on those. You can't talk about pediatric nursing or medicine without bringing up the other half other equation - the parents! And while the kids provide plenty of entertainment themselves, the parents provide their own elements of entertainment... and frustrations! Here is a glimpse into a day in the life of pediatrics. Enjoy!:)

A patient's mom calls the office for home care advice after her child "done got bit" by their neighbor's pet skunk. Seriously - who keeps a pet skunk, and who on earth lets their kid play with one?? Mom wasn't sure if they skunk was up to date on the rabies shots, so should her child get them instead?

Another patient's mom calls in hysterics saying her child needs a kidney transplant "STAT!"  It is discovered that mom came to this conclusion as her daughter's urine was cloudy and odorous. No other complaints. Upon further investigation, it is discovered the child loves canned asparagus and ate an entire can prior to going to bed. It should also be noted that the patient is 4 years old. Mom was quite relieved to know her daughter should survive.

This same mom calls a few weeks later saying her other daughter, who is 4 months old, needs to be hospitalized for abdominal pain and diarrhea. It is quickly discovered that mom makes a habit of letting the four month suck on pieces of the food they get form the local chinese buffet, or any other type of "saucy" foods. Her thought process is that this early introduction to a variety of flavor will prevent a picky eater.

A dad brings his 3 year old daughter in for a sick visit. The complaint - her kitty cat wasn't feeling right. Come to find out, he thought she might have a urinary tract infection. I was used to kitty cat region being referred to as the "whoo ha ha" quite commonly... Kitty Cat was a new one!

A 17 year old female is dragged into the clinic by her furious mom, who has recently discovered her daughter is sexually active. Apparently, no form of birth control has been used. The interview/exam goes something like this.
Medical Staff: so how long have you been sexually active?
Patient: um.... well, maybe like, I don't know, um... like, around 6 months, I think. I don't really remember.
Medical Staff: what type of protection are you using
Patient: we don't really, since he isn't sleeping with anyone else right now

A discussion ensues one the many ways this is faulty thinking.

Medical Staff: When was your last period?
Patient: Um... like maybe 6 weeks ago
Medical Staff: ok, well, let's do a pregnancy test.
Patient: Oh I am not pregnant, cause see we have been (proceeds to tell us what her "BFF Jill" told her was a fool proof, yet unprotected, version of intercourse.)
Medical Staff: well, trust me when I tell you that does NOT work. How many times have you had sex since becoming sexually active?
Patient: I mean, not that much, not enough to be pregnant.
Medical Staff: it only takes once - how many times?
Patient: I don't know, really too many to count I guess.
Medical Staff: ok in the last month how many times would you guess?
Patient: Hmmm... every day.
Silence
Medical Staff: you have had sex every day for the past month?
Patient: well for the last 6 weeks... we were on Christmas break you know.
Medical Staff personal thoughts: well if you aren't pregnant, you are one lucky lady, or your boyfriend's "boys" don't know how to swim.

Ten minutes later, after a miraculously negative pregnancy test, we deliberate as to whether she needs to go see a fertility specialist, or if we should break the news to the boyfriend that his "boys" are sadly lacking. Amongst ourselves only - we didn't broach either idea with the patient or her family.:)


We all remember the good ol' H1N1 Influenza Pandemic, right? Here is a little glimpse at what medical offices were dealing with daily.

- Concerned parent calls in stating the family needs to be treated for that mexican flu thing... they had a mexican looking waiter at Ryan's Steakhouse.

- Grandmother calls in wanting her granddaughter tested for the "hiney" flu. I mean, I guess h1n1 could look like "hiney/hini," right?:)

- A mom informed us, in all seriousness, that in order to protect her kids she had quit buying "pig bacon", but she couldn't bring her self to buy that fake turkey bacon. Recently, it was getting so bad that she wasn't even going to let her kids eat their favorite ham and cheese sandwiches. Only peanut butter and jelly in their lunch boxes. It was tough, but you know "you do what you gotta do to protect your kids?" Yes ma'am you sure do.

- Another family was worried about their well being because they lived next to a pig farm. "You know, that  H1N1 flu grows on pigs and floats in the air."

On to other topics of humor.

- One family informed me their son had "done got the Malasia."
Come to find out, the patient was diagnosed with tracheomalacia.... you don't "done get it" you're "done born with it?" And don't worry, its not contagious, although they worried for some time about "catching it" and proceeded to wear masks for quite some time. During this same time, the family learned a new word: demise. They loved it! They used it all the time. Everything demised all the time. Their property law suit was always demising. Pretty sure, even the "Malasia" done got demised from time to time.

- A mom called wanting to know if we knew how to treat the "I Don't Know Virus" as she didn't feel the local ER knew what to do about her daughter's case of said virus. I told her I really hadn't heard of this virus, and proceeded to get the records from the diagnosing ER. As I thought, the child had adenovirus.:) I-Dont-KnowVirus and Ad-en-no-Virus do sound similar.

And now I would like to focus on names. People, please, there is soooo much in a name... Kids have enough stuff deal with in through in life, so don't make their names a struggle too. Start them off right, with a name that heads them off to success. If you do decide to get creative, don't be mad when your child's name is mispronounced, misspelled, and misunderstood time and time again...
For example:
- Le-ah, will probably be pronounced the way it looks/is spelled - Leah. Not Le-DASH-ah, as you had originally anticipated. For real - this is becoming an ever increasingly popular name.

-Chocolate Mattress will always sound like a bed made of candy cars, not Shock-o-lot Mat-reese (in a french accent.)

- Lemonjello and Orangello do in fact, sadly exist, outside the grocery isle.

- And how are we supposed to begin trying to pronounce Abcde. Again, an amazingly common name.

- IF you decide hyphens and/or apostrophes are required in the spelling of you child's name, please remember the correct position of the punctuation. Otherwise, the 5 different ways you spell your child's name every time you come in/call can get really stinking confusing.

- Giving your child an angelic sounding name such as "Neveah (heaven backwards), Serenity,  or A'blessing/Ablessin' (my favorite is when this name shares the middle name of "today"), etc... well, it usually backfires.

- Oh, and Marijuana and Margarita may sound pretty, but are never good ideas. Ever!


This is just a brief summary, and only scratches the surface.

I love my job!:)

Though He linger, Wait for Him

I just read this scripture over on A's blog - Remember all the Way and loved it! So timely, and so applicable to so many areas and times in life.

For the revelation awaits

an appointed time;

it speaks of the end

and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

it will certainly come

and will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:3

Better than a Hallelujah

I am loving one of Amy Grant's new songs, Better Than a Hallelujah. Growing up, Amy Grant was one of my favorite childhood music artists. I mean, for a kid it doesn't get much better then Grape, Grape Joy. Tennessee Christmas will forever be another favorite. I was born (and raised) in Nashville, Tn right around the time Amy Grant exploded onto the Christian music scene. I remember getting asked all the time as kid if I was named after her. Another interesting, and completely unrelated side note - ET was picture of the year when I was born. I was born with ridiculously long skinny fingers (I wear a 3.5-4 ring size, can reach a 12th on the piano, and palm a women's basketball. And yes, I am only 5'3".) My brown eyes are the same size now as they were when I was born. It wasn't until around my 11th or 12th birthday that I realized that my dad did not in fact carry around a picture of ET telling people it was my baby picture, as I had been previously told.


Back to the real meaning of this post. I love the honesty in this song:

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

To me, it is such a beautiful reminder of what an incredibly kind, merciful, loving, and compassionate Lord I serve. He loves to hear me pour out my misery, to hear my cries when the words won't come, better then me singing praises... sometimes. I think a lot of Christians get mistakenly hung up on this fact/gift, and abuse grace far too often. The Fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control, after all. Our song of life should not always be "gloom and doom/woe is me." However, our gracious Heavenly Father allows us, in our humanness, to pour out our hearts to Him, so He can share our sorrows, sufferings, and burdens. I need to be reminded of this - I need to be weak, broken, and humbled in His Presence. 

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10

Too often I tend to attempt to be strong on my own, sometimes to the point of preventing the Arms of my Heavenly Father carrying me as far as He would desire.

This song holds another special meaning for me - the word Hallelujah. I love this word, and always have. I love the Hallelujah Chorus. Hallelujah just sounds so majestic, angelic, powerful, gorgeous, glorious, etc...  There is another "Hallelujah Song" I love -  Julianne Hough's - My Hallelujah Song! If you don't like this song... well, I might consider still being your friend, but I will never see you in the same light. :)

When people know you are wanting to start a family, naturally one of the questions that is often asked is "So have you discussed names?" The answer is, yes we have, in great detail. We have a list that we have compiled and edited over the last few years. Unfortunately, the hubs and I do not agree on name styles. I love good ol' Nashville names, a few southern bred names, double/hyphenated names, and names that would definitely be considered "Fringe/alternative." Jared likes plain, boring, simple - John and Caroline are as exciting as it gets. And I adore both of these names, but so does the majority of the population! I want unique, individualistic, and memorable. Because of this major road block, I don't think (or try not to) think of our future children with my favorite names... I am weird about mental and emotional associations, especially names. Hello schizo, nice to meet you again.... I have had a girl's name picked out for ~ 10 years, and my heart is set on it... but we will fight that battle when we get there. One thing that is the greatest strength in my relationship with my husband, has always been our ability to compromise. So I am not worried. But I needed some sort of name for when I pray for our future children, etc.... And then it came to me a few months ago - my Hallelujah Babies. It doesn't matter their gender, their biologic beginnings, their ethnicity, etc... if they become our children, they will be our Hallelujah Babies. The babies we have longed and begged the Lord for. The babies that we will daily rejoice and praise for the Lord for. They will be a constant reminder His loving kindness and faithfulness. They will be our constant Hallelujah!

For this child I have prayed....

1 Samuel 1:27

The Days of Our Life

I have been horrendous about blogging lately! The mini home remodel and cable/internet outage "threw of my groove" big time! The house is finally getting all put back together, and the internet and cable are somewhat better. Life is getting back to normal. My husband is currently yelling at the UT vs Arkansas basketball game... ah, all is right with the world!

Speaking of life, I thought I would give you a little glimpse into days of our life. Its not exactly thrilling, but  it certainly isn't boring. Its our life, and while I might like to add a thing or two (baby/babies!), there really isn't anything I want to subtract. Its a little crazy busy at times, and I do long for more "home time", but I know that will come with time, and I don't want to wish away the present. We have been very blessed indeed, and I hope I never loose sight of that. Most days, I feel like I am slacking in  my housewifely duties, but with working full time and being involved in a college ministry... housewife duties often have to wait until the weekend. I'd like to work out more too....

Monday:
Mondays are not kind to me... and I am not entirely sure why. I will have a headache, it is guaranteed. It is also usually a long work day for the both of us. I always say I going to grocery shop during the weekend, but that rarely never happens, so by Monday, we have very little food, and I am off to the grocery store, with a raging headache. This situation sets me up perfectly to buy a quite a few things we were not out of, and forget several things we needed. One day, I will be better at this task... and get back to my couponing... oh, and meal planning.... one day. I also always seem to forget to pay bills over the weekend, and realize Monday is the last night I will have to do it before we are delinquent - fan-freaking-tabulous.
The past few weeks, we have had girls intramural basketball on Monday nights (Jared "coaches" our girls team). Games are often followed by a trip to a FroYo joint on the strip, where Jared sits sulking about how his manhood is rapidly diminishing with ever passing second! We are doing good if we are home by 10:30, and in bed by 11pm. Raging headache has accompanied faithfully all the while.

Tuesdays:
I split my time between two offices on Tuesday, which provides good variety. Hubs and I talk on the phone on our way home (his commute is usually 1-2 hours - ugh). Once I hit the door home, its a quick dinner at home, or on campus with some college girls, followed by Girls Bible Study. We are studying Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild - I highly recommend it! I try to be home by 9:30ish, so hubs and I can actually see each other before crashing for the night. He has usually worked out, and I am tired after my long day, we usually go to bed on the earlier side on Tuesdays. After we watch NCIS!

Wednesdays:
Hump days are great... usually. We have tried to keep our Wednesday our "home night" so we could have at least one night at home, just the two of us, to chill, watch TV, etc... Last semester  nights, we helped lead a life group discussion on Wednesday, and we had some intramural sporting events this semester, so our Wednesday nights have not been as relaxing, but we are back to them being free... for now.

Thursdays:
Again, I am at two different offices. Its usually my latest day of the week. Once we get home from work, we grab a quick meal, either at home or at one of favorite restaurants - Salsaritas. Then, it is off to Bible Study on campus. Some Thursdays though, we decide to either just spend time together, or with family, if we have been on campus a lot already that week.

Fridays
Thank goodness, we have reached the end of the week, and the weekend (aka sleep) is around the corner! I usually get off work a little early, which is super nice. Friday night/evenings  we go to dinner with Jared's family, watch movies, hang out with family, and often times, have college student or two hanging out with us. We usually end up falling asleep on our massive bean bag, in front of the tv. Its glorious!

Saturdays
I am too embarrassed to say how late we stay in bed - its almost sinful for people our age. Let me just say that I get up, on average, two hours before my husband. Weekend mornings are chill out time for us. We have gone gone gone all week, and we need to recharge. I enjoy several cups of coffee with a good book, some tv shows (until Jared wakes up and its time for Sports Center and College Game day), internet catch up, etc... Saturday afternoons are for chores - house cleaning from top to bottom, laundry, filling, etc... Saturday nights, we usually eat dinner at Jared's parents house, followed by a movie, or more college kids at the house... until the wee hours of Sunday morn.

Sundays:
During the "School Year" we don't go to a church service in the morning. Our college service is at night (what college kid wakes up before 11 on any day they don't have class!?!). During the summer months, and Christmas break, our mornings are spent at the one and only church my husband has ever attended - lots of history there! Side note, the lady who hosted my wedding shower at our church, hosted my mother-in-law's baby shower when was pregnant with Jared! Pretty cool, uh? But when classes are in session we get to sleep in, spend time together, and finish up any other responsible adult activities needed before the start of another week. Sunday evening, we eat dinner with the college kids prior to the church service. The events are usually over by 8:30, followed by some more fellowshipping/hanging out... we peace out and head home around 9-9:30.

After writing that, I don't feel so bad about feeling so tired most nights!:)

So there you have it folks - our life in a nutshell!

I often say I would love just two more hours in the day - it would make working out consistently, and maintaining my long distance friendships so much easier!! I constantly feel guilty that I am not doing enough to maintain all  my incredible friendships with many back in my home town. Oh yeah, and all my siblings, and extended family. Coming from a large family, and wide circle of friends, is such an incredible gift, but maintaining relationships with all those people.... well, there never seems to be enough time.

For upcoming posts, I am thinking
1. "things heard, seen and done in a pediatric office"
2.  something involving what NOT to do during your child's visit to their pediatrician
3.  Meet the family (mine and Jared's)

Until next time....

His ways are higher than mine.

I found this sweet poem over at Lyndie's blog. It was too perfect and appropriate not to share.

Pink or Blue

God, pink or blue, I do not care

Its sex is neither here nor there.
I pray you see my longing heart,

And in motherhood, let me take part.

I ask this out of selfishness,

But pray you grant it none the less.

I will do my best to raise them right,

To ignite in them your holy light.

And if it not be, Comfort me please.

Mend my heart and give me peace.

And help me to see and understand,

Your will is much greater than what I had planned.



Silence

Silence in "blogdom" for those in the TTC (trying to conceive) circle generally can be a indiciation of pregnancy. Fear not - this is NOT the reason I have been so absent lately. After our mini-house remodel, our internet and cable have not been working. Work has been SLAMMED lately (silly snotty nosed kids!) so work posts are just not going to happen.

Hope to be back up and running soon... if our cable guy will actually show up as schedule for once. Ugh.

Until next time...

Going through the motions

I am actually at work ( shhh don't judge!), so we will see if I manage to get this typed, edited, and published!: J I am in the middle of several things at the moment, all of which have stalled out for the time being, so I am going to try to put my fingers, thoughts, and emotions in high gear, and type this baby out!

I had my infertility appointment this past Thursday. I loved the office staff, the NP’s, and MD. Everyone was amazingly kind, comforting, and compassionate. I was in the office for ~3 hours! Exhaustion does NOT even begin to explain how I felt when I finally left! Evidently, I was a tad nervous going in, as my blood pressure was in the hypertensive range, ha ha! The stirrups and I do NOT have a kind and lovingly relationship, and I can literally go into full on body tremors at the sight of them… not even joking. Luckily, the staff recognized this, but did not criticize, what I realize is a semi-irrational fear, and took me out of the exam room and into an office for the “let’s get to know you, all your inner parts, and the most intimate inner workings of you and your husband’s relationship” part of the interview. We covered everything from my elementary years to the present day, mine and Jared’s family history, etc… I had all my previous blood work results written down and dated, print outs of all my vitamins and supplements, along with a LIST of questions. Yes, I am that nurse-patient, the one every medical professional dreads having in their office – but  I don’t think I am annoying, just educated and resourceful!:) After the interview, it was time for the head to toe exam, exterior and interior – woo hoo (sarcasm should definitely be inserted… it needs its own font… like maybe italics backwards or something…) A very sweet Nurse Practitioner did the exam, along with a pelvic ultrasound. Structurally, everything looked fine on the physical/manual/visual exam and ultrasound! I was very shocked – I was expecting a tilted and/or misshapen uterus, cyst ravaged ovaries (not a cyst to be seen!), and all kinds of misalignment structurally speaking. As I was nearing the end of my cycle at the time, the endometrial lining was too full to get a really good visualization of interior structure, but size and position looked completely normal. I maybe would have liked to have seen a tad of an ovarian cyst, for a little reassurance that my ovaries do in fact realize they are supposed to be spewing out eggs, but I will definitely take no cysts over 20 cysts any day! Next, I was off to the lab where I “donated” enough blood for a transfusion. The phlebotomist was phenomenal – thank goodness! J After my blood “donation”, I had a recap conversation with the NP, discussing again everything we had gone over and the plan for this upcoming cycle. I was also given a slew of literature to read and research for possibilities of future tests and possible time lines for procedures.

I held it together (other then my brief hypertensive crisis) really well, until I was leaving and the NP patted me on the back and said “Ok, sweetie have a great day, and we look forward to seeing you soon!” The water works were coming on hard and fast – stupid, I know, and for no reason. Let me state here and now – I do NOT cry in public! For one reason, I am one of the ugliest criers ever! The side effects linger for hours afterwards, advertising to the world that I have had a sob fest at some point that day. I was able to hold it in, only to have “it” come on hard and fast again at the check out window THREE more times! I think the tears that tried to come out as I was walking out were more from me being mad at myself for nearly crying 5 times in the last 5 minutes (surely a new record for me). Luckily, I thought I saw someone I knew in the lobby so that snapped me out of it quickly… only to discover I totally did not know them. I called the hubs as soon as I got into the car, and luckily relief I felt just hearing his voice and talking to him about the last three hours didn’t bring me to tears again. We decided to meet at Chickfila for dinner (cause when doesn’t Chickfila make your day better instantly!?!), so I went to Hobby Lobby to kill time while I waited for him to get off work. My husband fears for our life savings when he hears about this store… I can literally spend HOURS in that place! About this time I got hit with the most severe case of exhaustion I have ever felt (if I am ever pregnant, I can’t wait to compare it to 1^st trimester fatigue…I think it would give it a run for its money!) Then the tears briefly started again, with the thoughts of  “oh my gosh, did I seriously just have to go see and infertility specialist!?!?” Followed by relief knowing that I no longer how to try to figure things out on my own, we had someone specially trained to do that for us, followed by anger about having to go see a fertility specialist, followed by “I am too freaking tired to even cry, maybe I will just sleep until tomorrow instead!” J I aimlessly wandered the aisles of Hobby Lobby, and can remember seeing one thing worth buying, unless it was baby related… which means I didn’t remain in that aisle or display a second longer! Even Chickfila is a blur…

We went straight to bed after we got home, but I had way too much info swirling in my brain to actually go to sleep. Since we have been doing some home renovations, our iMac is up in our room, so we actually have the ability to watch TV or movies in bed (we don’t have a tv in our bedroom.) So we took advantage of this, and just watched mind numbing television. It did the trick, and put me into a death like sleep! J

I haven’t yet received the results of my blood work. I don’t really mind… I know from working in a medical office myself, you call the critical results and/or crazy patients back first, followed by the patients you have followed the longest/like, leaving the “newbies” who aren’t too screwed up (yet) for last.:)  Based on our new plan, and how my cycle cooperates, I will go back in ~ 2 weeks, and go from there.

Thank you all for all the prayers, texts, emails, phone calls, facebook communication, tweets, etc… you all sent me before, during and after the appointment! They meant to world to us! I especially want thank my dear friend - my “Aunt” Tammy, who offered to take off work to come sit with me and hold my hand during my appointment, if I decided last minute I did want someone there, and Jared was two hours away. I didn’t change my mind, but it felt really comforting knowing she was just a phone call away.

Now should I edit this, or just publish as is… well, now that you have finished reading, I will let you guess as to what I chose to do… but I won’t ‘fess up if you ask. J

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
Matthew West "The Motions"

I may be a nurse, but I still hate going to the doctor!

I have, oh about 10 posts sitting in my draft folder, waiting to one day be finished and published... maybe one day. I was working on a really fun recap of life lately, complete with pictures from the past, etc... but it is taking me too long to finish. 5-10 minutes here and there make my writing even more scattered and long winded!:) So in the mean time here is a quick boring update.

I am getting ready to have my first appointment with my new physician. He comes highly recommended by some friends of ours, who have several friends who are now successfully pregnant after seeing him. I really see God's Hand all over leading us to this new doctor. I have been looking for months for someone who I felt peaceful going to, and this clinic sounds like the perfect fit! This doctor is a high-risk OB-GYN, who is also board certified in Infertility and Reproductive Endocrinology! He is contracted with insurance panels as an Ob-Gyn, so he is completely covered on our plan! Looks like we will only have to pay co-pays for the visits! A huge blessing! I am guessing we will have to be for most of the procedures, but this is still soooo much better then what a lot of people face, financially speaking. He is a founding member of the Physicians Chapter for Pelvic Pain - this thrills me to no end after my months of physical therapy! And on top of all of that, he is a Christan.

So how am I doing with this upcoming appointment? I am F.I.N.E. For those who didn't get the Italian Job movie reference, that would be "Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. Roll all that up together and it sounds like a very tasty burrito, uh? I vacillate between being so ready to go and finally start getting some different answers, and terrified about what those answers are going to be. I don't do well with grey areas in life - black and white yes please and thank you very much (you should see my new little computer nook/cubby - its decorated all black and white!) I am just praying we have some clear cut answers.

I have been testing nearly every bodily fluid daily, taking my temperature, taking daily supplements, could have probably saved several lives with the amount of blood that has been drawn and tested on me, and tracked every bodily function known to man for about 9 months now. And let's just go ahead and be perfectly honest here - trying to make a baby for 12+ months is exhausting from the amount of sleep time that gets interrupted! Sorry if that is TMI for some of you, especially my dad and brothers!:) Maybe I am wuss (sp!?) but I am exhausted from it all. From constantly being made to feel like a complete and utter failure by my own body. I know the next few months are going to be full of multiple tests and procedures. Everyone is going to know where I am on my cycle, when would be a good time to try to conceive... I am getting ready to give up complete and utter control of my body, my cycle, the most intimate part of my relationship with my husband, etc... So I gave myself a break. I haven't tested a fluid, taken a pill, drawn any blood. etc. There will be plenty of that coming up. The break was definitely needed, and I know it has helped mentally prepare me for the treadmill I am about to be placed on.

The appointment is later this week, and will last at least 3 hours. After the initial interview, and blood work, there will probably be a pelvic and maybe even and ultrasound. I am so embarrassed to admit this but the one thing I am the most apprehensive about is the pelvic, for multiple reasons. The number one and most ridiculous is the fact that this physician is male, and this will be the first time since I was eight that I have been examined by a male. Yes, this is ridiculous I know - I am a nurse and have taken care of males my age, older, and younger, and never thought twice about it. I am telling ya, I really worry I might be a 1/4 schizo at times!:) Plus, we have decided that my husband will not be accompanying me on this first visit, for many reasons. Basically, I would rather have him at other "more invasive, difficult, decision, making appointments." We both feel peaceful about this decision.

I am not sure when I will post again, and don't be surprised if the next post has nothing to do with the appointment.:) I am a brewer and a steeper. It takes me a while to digest everything and separate my emotions from my rational side. I already told my mom not to get worried (or excited) if I don't call her that day, as it will probably take me awhile to sort it all out in my mind and heart.

My lunch break is about done, so I am going to go ahead and post this. Please don't judge the multitude of grammatical errors I am sure I have made. I don't have time to be OCD about this post!

Thank you a head of time for the prayers!

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness

While I may take care of mainly healthy kids now, I will always consider myself a pediatric cardiology nurse at heart, no pun intended. For the first 5+ years of my nursing career, I worked at one of the premier Pediatric Cardiology facilcities, and cared for many precious families affected by congenital heart disease. I loved my little blue, out of rhythm heart babies! I learned so much from these incredible children and their amazing families! It was truly an honor to be a part of so many of their lives. In honor of these families, I am linking up with Bekima Knits to help raise funds and awareness for these patients and their families. See her post below, and visit the links she provides. But first, here are a few of my favorite memories:)

... that Congenital Heart Defects (CHDs) are the most common birth defect in America, affecting approximately one in one hundred, or 40,000 newborns each year?




... CHDs are responsible for one third of all birth defect-related deaths and sadly 20 percent of children who make it through birth will not survive past their first birthday.



... that although a child is born every 15 minutes with a CHD, research continues to be grossly under-funded in America.



... of every dollar the government spends on medical funding, only a fraction of a penny is directed toward congenital heart defect research.





What is a Congenital Heart Defect? A CHD means a child is born with an abnormally structured heart and/or large vessels. Such hearts may have incomplete or missing parts, may be put together the wrong way, may have holes between chamber partitions or may have narrow or leaky valves or narrow vessels.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I have come to know and follow, in the blogging world, some really great families (especially the mamas) and heart babies. Some, are no longer here on this earth with us, and some are living very wonderful and fulfilling lives here, even with their bandaged hearts. I hope to never have to endure what these children and families have and continue to go through, but peacefully realize that if I am ever placed in their shoes, I will have the BEST support group. These people are courageous, bare-to-the-bone, hopeful, faith-filled, all-loving, raw, emotional, loving, and totally real. And they make me cry and laugh and hope and dream...sometimes all in the same blog post.

I have so much admiration for these children and families and that is what I feel like I'm being called to help. Why do parents sometimes not find out there child has a CHD until after it's too late? Why aren't there 'sure' surgeries, since this is the MOST COMMON birth defect in America? Why isn't this getting the supporting funding it needs to find solutions to such a huge problem?

In honor and memory of all the children living and lost from CHD's, bekima knits' helping hearts will be donating 20% off every sale, now thru everyone's 'Heart Day' - February 14th.

Bekima's helping hearts fundraiser will help benefit, The Children's Heart Foundation, whom's goal is to bring health, hope and happiness to children impacted by congenital heart defects, the number one birth defect in the United States. They accomplish this goal by funding the most promising research to advance the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of congenital heart defects. And also, Bless Her Heart, an organization founded after their daughter, Taryn, unexpectedly passed away from 2 CHDs. Bless Her Heart is dedicated to promoting congenital heart defect awareness to families at the earliest opportunity possible, and all donations are used to maintain the website and for printing and distribution of CHD awareness pamphlets to various organizations, businesses, and doctors’ offices.



The Children's Heart Foundation is the country’s leading organization solely committed to CHD research funding, and dedicates itself to bringing health, hope and happiness to children and families impacted by a CHD. CHF has funded over $4.1 million of vital, life-saving CHD research since its inception, which includes approximately $400,000 in 2010.



I LOVE the work that both of these foundations have taken on, especially Bless Her Heart for bringing this birth defect into awareness before these children are born. Before hearing and reading of these families and babies, I would have had no idea that this devasting defect even had a place on this earth. God has definitely stuck this in front of me for a reason, and this is what is being called to me at the moment, and there may be more in the future. All in His plan...and I'm sure there will be more and all for a reason. And what better timing than our unofficial 'Heart Month'!! If anyone else is interested in more CHD events and fundraisers, check out this site for Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week, which runs Feb 7-14, 2011.



I pray and hope that we can make a difference, and I know we can!!! I also have some super special knits that I would love to be able to give both parents that have lost children due to CHD's and also children that are living with their CHD's. Parents and/or friends and family...please email me and let me know about you and your child, and you will have a special gift from bekima knits at your doorstep soon. It's just a bit of what I can do to offer some comfort and joy to those most in need.

Feel free to copy and paste to help spread the word!
http://bekimaknits.blogspot.com/2011/02/did-you-know.html


Shop HERE to help hearts...one hat at a time.

And as always, feel free to donate directly to either/both of these foundations. I can only imagine the benefits that these donations will bring the future of CHD technologies and awareness.

"For nothing is impossible with God" ~Luke 1:37

"There is a Chamber in God Himself....

...into which none can enter but the one, the individual." George MacDonald


I am amazed by how many people I have "met" through this blog, in its short existence. I am still learning all the lingo in the blog world, and the infertility world. Really, the acronyms alone could be their own entire post! For example, who knew that:

OOTN = "Outfit of the night"

BFN = Big Fat Negative (regarding home pregnancy tests. Bet ya can't guess what BFP is?? I will give you a hint: it is a VERY coveted term!)

TTC= Trying to Conceive

IRL= in real life (usually in relationship to friends)

The list could go on and on. Adds a whole knew dimension to the likes of "IDK. My BFF, Jill" uh?:)

My vocabulary is growing, I am meeting new people, finding amazing new websites - overall just learning a LOT! I always thought Blogging seemed somewhat egocentric in nature... or at least had the tendency to go there really fast. I didn't want this to be the case for me, and it was one of the main reasons I didn't start a blog for so long. The opposite has happened - this blog is very little about me, or my issues, my circumstances, etc... Sure, the majority of what I write about is me related/focused, but this new path has really pushed me outside myself. Introduced me to new people, with their own sets of talents and troubles. And that is my favorite part. This week alone, there are 3 individuals whom I have never met, only interacted with in the Blog/twitter world, but I have prayed for daily. It feels weird to admit it and/or talk about it, but it feels so right! After all, shouldn't the body of Christ be present everywhere - why not in the blog/twitter world too... maybe even Facebook... think that might be going a little too far? ha ha ! I box God in WAY too much in my life, and in life around me. He greatly delights in destroying my nice, neat partitions I have provided Him.

I find it very interesting (but perfectly logical at the same time) that the vast majority of bloggers are women. We (women) are so relational in our core - we long for that connection with others, even if it scares us to death, makes us uncomfortable, or reveals all the more how we don't think we are "enough." And while I do think one should not only have "Internet friends", but IRL friends too (remember, that means In Real Life), I have been so blessed and encouraged by so many ladies I have never even met or spoken to. I love how women are willing to share their struggles and triumphs, blessings and pain, with people they are completely unaware of. Its a whole new level of vulnerability!


Years ago, I was spending a lot of time asking God to show me what it meant to be a Godly Christian woman. I had a love hate relationship with the Proverbs 31 woman. When I was in elementary school, I went to a lady's bible study/get together with my mom, and several other ladies and their daughters. The lady who was hosting the event had made laminated bookmarks of Proverbs 31. I loved that bookmark, and still have it today, in my "kid" Bible. I read over it all the time, and was soooo excited that I had a guide, even better a list, for how to be the perfect woman! Growing up was now going to be so much easier! Ha! Early into  my teens, my loving relationship with this scripture verse began to sour somewhat, and it kind of devastated me. I mean, I loved it for so long, dreamed of how I was going to be just such a specimen of the perfect Godly Woman... was I "slacking" in my Christian faith now that I didn't just love the very wording of this scripture verse anymore? 


I am the oldest of five kids, and I love being the oldest sibling in a large family. It has not always been a bed of roses, and I think any oldest child will agree, we really do have it the hardest out of all of the siblings:), but I wouldn't change it for anything. Two of  my siblings were  born when I was 11 and 13 years old - I got to have real life baby dolls to play with. Let's be honest, at this age all girls still want to play "babies" deep down inside, but are scared such child's play will cause them to fall under ridicule. While I got to "play" dolls under disguise, I also got to practice being (to a very small extent) a mom. My parents (mom especially) were very careful that I didn't have too much responsibility placed on my shoulders as the oldest child. They didn't want me to resent my large family, and wanted me to be able to enjoy the innocence of childhood as long as possible. I think they did a fabulous job - I adore kids, want several of my own, and harbor no sibling resentment!:) However, as the oldest and the only girl for 13 years, I did have some responsibilities and experiences that not many other teenage girls get to have. I helped cook, clean, change diapers, and run errands once I received my long desire license (I am not sure who was more excited, me or my mom when i was finally able to drive solo!). Again, I got a very small glimpse at what life was like as a wife and a mom, and I knew I had no where near what it took to be the Proverbs 31 woman. 


I have alway sort of maintained the attitude that if I couldn't do it perfectly, I wouldn't even attmept it. Unforunately, this has greatly limited some of my life experiences. But, I decided not to throw entire idea of the Proverbs 31 woman out the door, which was huge for me! I decided to focus on one thing that I knew I had in my control: "she does her husband good all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12 By this point, I wasn't even entirely sure I really wanted to be married (that is about 10 other posts for another date and time, that may never be written!), but none the less, I knew this was something I could strive for, pretty competently. So I guarded my heart in Jesus,  sought my identity in Him, as much as a teenage girl could, and asked God to help me hold to this desire, whether or not I "had" to get married.


Fast forward to my 20's. I had done a pretty good job keeping my heart pure and intact, but I was suffering an identity crisis of sorts. Christendom so exalts and esteems the role of a wife and mother, that I didn't know where I fit as a single Christian woman. I felt like I was a cast off/second rate/didn't measure up Christian female.  Let me state here, that I have always believed that the role of a wife and a mother is one of the most high, noble, and difficult callings placed on a woman's life. But I also believe it is not the only calling for a Christian woman. I needed God to show me, prove to me, that I was just as valuable as all my friends around me, who were getting married and having babies. Through many tears, pain, heartache, and lots of time spent alone with God at Crockett Park (still one of my favorite places on earth!) I finally found that affirmation from Him that I needed. God kindly showed me three very specific things I could do, that He required of all Christian women, regardless of their marital status: be open, inviting, and vulnerable. He was very gracious in speaking to me in my "love language" - lists!:)  But seriously, open, inviting, and vulnerable!?!?! Great, those were like the three things I was the least good at exuding - fan-freaking-tabulous! I couldn't really complain though, as I had spent a lot of time asking and searching for the answer to my identity crisis. I got what I asked for... I had just forgotten to ask only for answers I liked and was good at executing. ( Little did I know then,  I was getting ready to be thrust onto a relational treadmill that would rapidly take me from happily independent single to happily married wife. ) So I took a very deep breath and prayed for the wisdom on how to physically manifest these attributes in my life. And something special happened: 

"Then the time came when the risk 

it took to remain tight as a bud 

was more painful then 

the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

It has been a long, and sometimes painful journey, but a beautiful one none the less. And I know it will be a life long journey. As soon as I feel that I have "got it," He brings me to another precipice and asks me to again take that leap of faith, with Him. Crazy as it seems to my pea size brain, I know this blog is yet another thing He is using to help me discover and experience a life more abundant. I wrote this down one night after a bible study "The longings and desires of your heart will be met by your pursuit of Him, not by the pursuit your desires."

"It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness - being will to risk your all." My Utmost for His Highest

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus." Captivating

"The place that God calls us is the place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet." Fredrick Breuchner