Going through the motions

I am actually at work ( shhh don't judge!), so we will see if I manage to get this typed, edited, and published!: J I am in the middle of several things at the moment, all of which have stalled out for the time being, so I am going to try to put my fingers, thoughts, and emotions in high gear, and type this baby out!

I had my infertility appointment this past Thursday. I loved the office staff, the NP’s, and MD. Everyone was amazingly kind, comforting, and compassionate. I was in the office for ~3 hours! Exhaustion does NOT even begin to explain how I felt when I finally left! Evidently, I was a tad nervous going in, as my blood pressure was in the hypertensive range, ha ha! The stirrups and I do NOT have a kind and lovingly relationship, and I can literally go into full on body tremors at the sight of them… not even joking. Luckily, the staff recognized this, but did not criticize, what I realize is a semi-irrational fear, and took me out of the exam room and into an office for the “let’s get to know you, all your inner parts, and the most intimate inner workings of you and your husband’s relationship” part of the interview. We covered everything from my elementary years to the present day, mine and Jared’s family history, etc… I had all my previous blood work results written down and dated, print outs of all my vitamins and supplements, along with a LIST of questions. Yes, I am that nurse-patient, the one every medical professional dreads having in their office – but  I don’t think I am annoying, just educated and resourceful!:) After the interview, it was time for the head to toe exam, exterior and interior – woo hoo (sarcasm should definitely be inserted… it needs its own font… like maybe italics backwards or something…) A very sweet Nurse Practitioner did the exam, along with a pelvic ultrasound. Structurally, everything looked fine on the physical/manual/visual exam and ultrasound! I was very shocked – I was expecting a tilted and/or misshapen uterus, cyst ravaged ovaries (not a cyst to be seen!), and all kinds of misalignment structurally speaking. As I was nearing the end of my cycle at the time, the endometrial lining was too full to get a really good visualization of interior structure, but size and position looked completely normal. I maybe would have liked to have seen a tad of an ovarian cyst, for a little reassurance that my ovaries do in fact realize they are supposed to be spewing out eggs, but I will definitely take no cysts over 20 cysts any day! Next, I was off to the lab where I “donated” enough blood for a transfusion. The phlebotomist was phenomenal – thank goodness! J After my blood “donation”, I had a recap conversation with the NP, discussing again everything we had gone over and the plan for this upcoming cycle. I was also given a slew of literature to read and research for possibilities of future tests and possible time lines for procedures.

I held it together (other then my brief hypertensive crisis) really well, until I was leaving and the NP patted me on the back and said “Ok, sweetie have a great day, and we look forward to seeing you soon!” The water works were coming on hard and fast – stupid, I know, and for no reason. Let me state here and now – I do NOT cry in public! For one reason, I am one of the ugliest criers ever! The side effects linger for hours afterwards, advertising to the world that I have had a sob fest at some point that day. I was able to hold it in, only to have “it” come on hard and fast again at the check out window THREE more times! I think the tears that tried to come out as I was walking out were more from me being mad at myself for nearly crying 5 times in the last 5 minutes (surely a new record for me). Luckily, I thought I saw someone I knew in the lobby so that snapped me out of it quickly… only to discover I totally did not know them. I called the hubs as soon as I got into the car, and luckily relief I felt just hearing his voice and talking to him about the last three hours didn’t bring me to tears again. We decided to meet at Chickfila for dinner (cause when doesn’t Chickfila make your day better instantly!?!), so I went to Hobby Lobby to kill time while I waited for him to get off work. My husband fears for our life savings when he hears about this store… I can literally spend HOURS in that place! About this time I got hit with the most severe case of exhaustion I have ever felt (if I am ever pregnant, I can’t wait to compare it to 1^st trimester fatigue…I think it would give it a run for its money!) Then the tears briefly started again, with the thoughts of  “oh my gosh, did I seriously just have to go see and infertility specialist!?!?” Followed by relief knowing that I no longer how to try to figure things out on my own, we had someone specially trained to do that for us, followed by anger about having to go see a fertility specialist, followed by “I am too freaking tired to even cry, maybe I will just sleep until tomorrow instead!” J I aimlessly wandered the aisles of Hobby Lobby, and can remember seeing one thing worth buying, unless it was baby related… which means I didn’t remain in that aisle or display a second longer! Even Chickfila is a blur…

We went straight to bed after we got home, but I had way too much info swirling in my brain to actually go to sleep. Since we have been doing some home renovations, our iMac is up in our room, so we actually have the ability to watch TV or movies in bed (we don’t have a tv in our bedroom.) So we took advantage of this, and just watched mind numbing television. It did the trick, and put me into a death like sleep! J

I haven’t yet received the results of my blood work. I don’t really mind… I know from working in a medical office myself, you call the critical results and/or crazy patients back first, followed by the patients you have followed the longest/like, leaving the “newbies” who aren’t too screwed up (yet) for last.:)  Based on our new plan, and how my cycle cooperates, I will go back in ~ 2 weeks, and go from there.

Thank you all for all the prayers, texts, emails, phone calls, facebook communication, tweets, etc… you all sent me before, during and after the appointment! They meant to world to us! I especially want thank my dear friend - my “Aunt” Tammy, who offered to take off work to come sit with me and hold my hand during my appointment, if I decided last minute I did want someone there, and Jared was two hours away. I didn’t change my mind, but it felt really comforting knowing she was just a phone call away.

Now should I edit this, or just publish as is… well, now that you have finished reading, I will let you guess as to what I chose to do… but I won’t ‘fess up if you ask. J

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
Matthew West "The Motions"

I may be a nurse, but I still hate going to the doctor!

I have, oh about 10 posts sitting in my draft folder, waiting to one day be finished and published... maybe one day. I was working on a really fun recap of life lately, complete with pictures from the past, etc... but it is taking me too long to finish. 5-10 minutes here and there make my writing even more scattered and long winded!:) So in the mean time here is a quick boring update.

I am getting ready to have my first appointment with my new physician. He comes highly recommended by some friends of ours, who have several friends who are now successfully pregnant after seeing him. I really see God's Hand all over leading us to this new doctor. I have been looking for months for someone who I felt peaceful going to, and this clinic sounds like the perfect fit! This doctor is a high-risk OB-GYN, who is also board certified in Infertility and Reproductive Endocrinology! He is contracted with insurance panels as an Ob-Gyn, so he is completely covered on our plan! Looks like we will only have to pay co-pays for the visits! A huge blessing! I am guessing we will have to be for most of the procedures, but this is still soooo much better then what a lot of people face, financially speaking. He is a founding member of the Physicians Chapter for Pelvic Pain - this thrills me to no end after my months of physical therapy! And on top of all of that, he is a Christan.

So how am I doing with this upcoming appointment? I am F.I.N.E. For those who didn't get the Italian Job movie reference, that would be "Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. Roll all that up together and it sounds like a very tasty burrito, uh? I vacillate between being so ready to go and finally start getting some different answers, and terrified about what those answers are going to be. I don't do well with grey areas in life - black and white yes please and thank you very much (you should see my new little computer nook/cubby - its decorated all black and white!) I am just praying we have some clear cut answers.

I have been testing nearly every bodily fluid daily, taking my temperature, taking daily supplements, could have probably saved several lives with the amount of blood that has been drawn and tested on me, and tracked every bodily function known to man for about 9 months now. And let's just go ahead and be perfectly honest here - trying to make a baby for 12+ months is exhausting from the amount of sleep time that gets interrupted! Sorry if that is TMI for some of you, especially my dad and brothers!:) Maybe I am wuss (sp!?) but I am exhausted from it all. From constantly being made to feel like a complete and utter failure by my own body. I know the next few months are going to be full of multiple tests and procedures. Everyone is going to know where I am on my cycle, when would be a good time to try to conceive... I am getting ready to give up complete and utter control of my body, my cycle, the most intimate part of my relationship with my husband, etc... So I gave myself a break. I haven't tested a fluid, taken a pill, drawn any blood. etc. There will be plenty of that coming up. The break was definitely needed, and I know it has helped mentally prepare me for the treadmill I am about to be placed on.

The appointment is later this week, and will last at least 3 hours. After the initial interview, and blood work, there will probably be a pelvic and maybe even and ultrasound. I am so embarrassed to admit this but the one thing I am the most apprehensive about is the pelvic, for multiple reasons. The number one and most ridiculous is the fact that this physician is male, and this will be the first time since I was eight that I have been examined by a male. Yes, this is ridiculous I know - I am a nurse and have taken care of males my age, older, and younger, and never thought twice about it. I am telling ya, I really worry I might be a 1/4 schizo at times!:) Plus, we have decided that my husband will not be accompanying me on this first visit, for many reasons. Basically, I would rather have him at other "more invasive, difficult, decision, making appointments." We both feel peaceful about this decision.

I am not sure when I will post again, and don't be surprised if the next post has nothing to do with the appointment.:) I am a brewer and a steeper. It takes me a while to digest everything and separate my emotions from my rational side. I already told my mom not to get worried (or excited) if I don't call her that day, as it will probably take me awhile to sort it all out in my mind and heart.

My lunch break is about done, so I am going to go ahead and post this. Please don't judge the multitude of grammatical errors I am sure I have made. I don't have time to be OCD about this post!

Thank you a head of time for the prayers!

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness

While I may take care of mainly healthy kids now, I will always consider myself a pediatric cardiology nurse at heart, no pun intended. For the first 5+ years of my nursing career, I worked at one of the premier Pediatric Cardiology facilcities, and cared for many precious families affected by congenital heart disease. I loved my little blue, out of rhythm heart babies! I learned so much from these incredible children and their amazing families! It was truly an honor to be a part of so many of their lives. In honor of these families, I am linking up with Bekima Knits to help raise funds and awareness for these patients and their families. See her post below, and visit the links she provides. But first, here are a few of my favorite memories:)

... that Congenital Heart Defects (CHDs) are the most common birth defect in America, affecting approximately one in one hundred, or 40,000 newborns each year?




... CHDs are responsible for one third of all birth defect-related deaths and sadly 20 percent of children who make it through birth will not survive past their first birthday.



... that although a child is born every 15 minutes with a CHD, research continues to be grossly under-funded in America.



... of every dollar the government spends on medical funding, only a fraction of a penny is directed toward congenital heart defect research.





What is a Congenital Heart Defect? A CHD means a child is born with an abnormally structured heart and/or large vessels. Such hearts may have incomplete or missing parts, may be put together the wrong way, may have holes between chamber partitions or may have narrow or leaky valves or narrow vessels.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I have come to know and follow, in the blogging world, some really great families (especially the mamas) and heart babies. Some, are no longer here on this earth with us, and some are living very wonderful and fulfilling lives here, even with their bandaged hearts. I hope to never have to endure what these children and families have and continue to go through, but peacefully realize that if I am ever placed in their shoes, I will have the BEST support group. These people are courageous, bare-to-the-bone, hopeful, faith-filled, all-loving, raw, emotional, loving, and totally real. And they make me cry and laugh and hope and dream...sometimes all in the same blog post.

I have so much admiration for these children and families and that is what I feel like I'm being called to help. Why do parents sometimes not find out there child has a CHD until after it's too late? Why aren't there 'sure' surgeries, since this is the MOST COMMON birth defect in America? Why isn't this getting the supporting funding it needs to find solutions to such a huge problem?

In honor and memory of all the children living and lost from CHD's, bekima knits' helping hearts will be donating 20% off every sale, now thru everyone's 'Heart Day' - February 14th.

Bekima's helping hearts fundraiser will help benefit, The Children's Heart Foundation, whom's goal is to bring health, hope and happiness to children impacted by congenital heart defects, the number one birth defect in the United States. They accomplish this goal by funding the most promising research to advance the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of congenital heart defects. And also, Bless Her Heart, an organization founded after their daughter, Taryn, unexpectedly passed away from 2 CHDs. Bless Her Heart is dedicated to promoting congenital heart defect awareness to families at the earliest opportunity possible, and all donations are used to maintain the website and for printing and distribution of CHD awareness pamphlets to various organizations, businesses, and doctors’ offices.



The Children's Heart Foundation is the country’s leading organization solely committed to CHD research funding, and dedicates itself to bringing health, hope and happiness to children and families impacted by a CHD. CHF has funded over $4.1 million of vital, life-saving CHD research since its inception, which includes approximately $400,000 in 2010.



I LOVE the work that both of these foundations have taken on, especially Bless Her Heart for bringing this birth defect into awareness before these children are born. Before hearing and reading of these families and babies, I would have had no idea that this devasting defect even had a place on this earth. God has definitely stuck this in front of me for a reason, and this is what is being called to me at the moment, and there may be more in the future. All in His plan...and I'm sure there will be more and all for a reason. And what better timing than our unofficial 'Heart Month'!! If anyone else is interested in more CHD events and fundraisers, check out this site for Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week, which runs Feb 7-14, 2011.



I pray and hope that we can make a difference, and I know we can!!! I also have some super special knits that I would love to be able to give both parents that have lost children due to CHD's and also children that are living with their CHD's. Parents and/or friends and family...please email me and let me know about you and your child, and you will have a special gift from bekima knits at your doorstep soon. It's just a bit of what I can do to offer some comfort and joy to those most in need.

Feel free to copy and paste to help spread the word!
http://bekimaknits.blogspot.com/2011/02/did-you-know.html


Shop HERE to help hearts...one hat at a time.

And as always, feel free to donate directly to either/both of these foundations. I can only imagine the benefits that these donations will bring the future of CHD technologies and awareness.

"For nothing is impossible with God" ~Luke 1:37

"There is a Chamber in God Himself....

...into which none can enter but the one, the individual." George MacDonald


I am amazed by how many people I have "met" through this blog, in its short existence. I am still learning all the lingo in the blog world, and the infertility world. Really, the acronyms alone could be their own entire post! For example, who knew that:

OOTN = "Outfit of the night"

BFN = Big Fat Negative (regarding home pregnancy tests. Bet ya can't guess what BFP is?? I will give you a hint: it is a VERY coveted term!)

TTC= Trying to Conceive

IRL= in real life (usually in relationship to friends)

The list could go on and on. Adds a whole knew dimension to the likes of "IDK. My BFF, Jill" uh?:)

My vocabulary is growing, I am meeting new people, finding amazing new websites - overall just learning a LOT! I always thought Blogging seemed somewhat egocentric in nature... or at least had the tendency to go there really fast. I didn't want this to be the case for me, and it was one of the main reasons I didn't start a blog for so long. The opposite has happened - this blog is very little about me, or my issues, my circumstances, etc... Sure, the majority of what I write about is me related/focused, but this new path has really pushed me outside myself. Introduced me to new people, with their own sets of talents and troubles. And that is my favorite part. This week alone, there are 3 individuals whom I have never met, only interacted with in the Blog/twitter world, but I have prayed for daily. It feels weird to admit it and/or talk about it, but it feels so right! After all, shouldn't the body of Christ be present everywhere - why not in the blog/twitter world too... maybe even Facebook... think that might be going a little too far? ha ha ! I box God in WAY too much in my life, and in life around me. He greatly delights in destroying my nice, neat partitions I have provided Him.

I find it very interesting (but perfectly logical at the same time) that the vast majority of bloggers are women. We (women) are so relational in our core - we long for that connection with others, even if it scares us to death, makes us uncomfortable, or reveals all the more how we don't think we are "enough." And while I do think one should not only have "Internet friends", but IRL friends too (remember, that means In Real Life), I have been so blessed and encouraged by so many ladies I have never even met or spoken to. I love how women are willing to share their struggles and triumphs, blessings and pain, with people they are completely unaware of. Its a whole new level of vulnerability!


Years ago, I was spending a lot of time asking God to show me what it meant to be a Godly Christian woman. I had a love hate relationship with the Proverbs 31 woman. When I was in elementary school, I went to a lady's bible study/get together with my mom, and several other ladies and their daughters. The lady who was hosting the event had made laminated bookmarks of Proverbs 31. I loved that bookmark, and still have it today, in my "kid" Bible. I read over it all the time, and was soooo excited that I had a guide, even better a list, for how to be the perfect woman! Growing up was now going to be so much easier! Ha! Early into  my teens, my loving relationship with this scripture verse began to sour somewhat, and it kind of devastated me. I mean, I loved it for so long, dreamed of how I was going to be just such a specimen of the perfect Godly Woman... was I "slacking" in my Christian faith now that I didn't just love the very wording of this scripture verse anymore? 


I am the oldest of five kids, and I love being the oldest sibling in a large family. It has not always been a bed of roses, and I think any oldest child will agree, we really do have it the hardest out of all of the siblings:), but I wouldn't change it for anything. Two of  my siblings were  born when I was 11 and 13 years old - I got to have real life baby dolls to play with. Let's be honest, at this age all girls still want to play "babies" deep down inside, but are scared such child's play will cause them to fall under ridicule. While I got to "play" dolls under disguise, I also got to practice being (to a very small extent) a mom. My parents (mom especially) were very careful that I didn't have too much responsibility placed on my shoulders as the oldest child. They didn't want me to resent my large family, and wanted me to be able to enjoy the innocence of childhood as long as possible. I think they did a fabulous job - I adore kids, want several of my own, and harbor no sibling resentment!:) However, as the oldest and the only girl for 13 years, I did have some responsibilities and experiences that not many other teenage girls get to have. I helped cook, clean, change diapers, and run errands once I received my long desire license (I am not sure who was more excited, me or my mom when i was finally able to drive solo!). Again, I got a very small glimpse at what life was like as a wife and a mom, and I knew I had no where near what it took to be the Proverbs 31 woman. 


I have alway sort of maintained the attitude that if I couldn't do it perfectly, I wouldn't even attmept it. Unforunately, this has greatly limited some of my life experiences. But, I decided not to throw entire idea of the Proverbs 31 woman out the door, which was huge for me! I decided to focus on one thing that I knew I had in my control: "she does her husband good all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12 By this point, I wasn't even entirely sure I really wanted to be married (that is about 10 other posts for another date and time, that may never be written!), but none the less, I knew this was something I could strive for, pretty competently. So I guarded my heart in Jesus,  sought my identity in Him, as much as a teenage girl could, and asked God to help me hold to this desire, whether or not I "had" to get married.


Fast forward to my 20's. I had done a pretty good job keeping my heart pure and intact, but I was suffering an identity crisis of sorts. Christendom so exalts and esteems the role of a wife and mother, that I didn't know where I fit as a single Christian woman. I felt like I was a cast off/second rate/didn't measure up Christian female.  Let me state here, that I have always believed that the role of a wife and a mother is one of the most high, noble, and difficult callings placed on a woman's life. But I also believe it is not the only calling for a Christian woman. I needed God to show me, prove to me, that I was just as valuable as all my friends around me, who were getting married and having babies. Through many tears, pain, heartache, and lots of time spent alone with God at Crockett Park (still one of my favorite places on earth!) I finally found that affirmation from Him that I needed. God kindly showed me three very specific things I could do, that He required of all Christian women, regardless of their marital status: be open, inviting, and vulnerable. He was very gracious in speaking to me in my "love language" - lists!:)  But seriously, open, inviting, and vulnerable!?!?! Great, those were like the three things I was the least good at exuding - fan-freaking-tabulous! I couldn't really complain though, as I had spent a lot of time asking and searching for the answer to my identity crisis. I got what I asked for... I had just forgotten to ask only for answers I liked and was good at executing. ( Little did I know then,  I was getting ready to be thrust onto a relational treadmill that would rapidly take me from happily independent single to happily married wife. ) So I took a very deep breath and prayed for the wisdom on how to physically manifest these attributes in my life. And something special happened: 

"Then the time came when the risk 

it took to remain tight as a bud 

was more painful then 

the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

It has been a long, and sometimes painful journey, but a beautiful one none the less. And I know it will be a life long journey. As soon as I feel that I have "got it," He brings me to another precipice and asks me to again take that leap of faith, with Him. Crazy as it seems to my pea size brain, I know this blog is yet another thing He is using to help me discover and experience a life more abundant. I wrote this down one night after a bible study "The longings and desires of your heart will be met by your pursuit of Him, not by the pursuit your desires."

"It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness - being will to risk your all." My Utmost for His Highest

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus." Captivating

"The place that God calls us is the place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet." Fredrick Breuchner

Sharing some Blog Love

So, evidently there are "Blogging Awards" you can give and receive - who knew?!? I haven't really had time to look into them or figure out how they work. I recently have received a few awards myself, in my very short blogging career. My most recent award came from Josey. Josey and her husband are another TTC (trying to conceive ) couple I have me through this blog. Her site has some great links for infertility! Thanks for the Blog Love, Josey!

My up comping week is a little crazy, I have several posts in the works, but no idea if/when they will get completed. So instead of trying to figure out what all I am supposed to do to give out these blogger awards, I am just going to share of my current favorite blogs. This is not the entire list, just some I have really enjoyed recently.

Unlocking Femininity: wonderfully written articles by several young, christian ladies, whose hearts are beautifully focused on training and teaching females of all ages the "feminine side" of Christianity.

Amy at Chapters was really the one who inspired me to start blogging. Her blog has been such an amazing source of encouragement, hope, inspiration, and entertainment. She blogs about all aspects of her life - marriage, work, finance, infertility, etc... She is a beautiful example of a Godly woman, wife, and future mama (one day!)

I recently discovered Caroline. She is amazingly talented young lady, who loves the Lord, and has so much to offer the world and those around her. She recently visited the Holy Lands! Her blog post here really challenged, encouraged, and convicted me. We are not in the same place in life, but we are on a similar path, and I pray daily the desires of her heart are met, and soon.

Heather and I have several mutual friends, and her brother-in-law, was our wedding photographer. I love Heather's honesty! What really got me hooked on her blog was the "Love Story Chronicle" she did on how she and her husband met, and finally "got together." She is a wonderful story teller!

If you like "Faith, Fitness, and Family" then Michelle Myers is going to be a favorite blogger of yours. She and my husband went to college together, and became great friends. Michelle and I became friends, long distance, via facebook, text, email, phone, etc... She and her husband, James, got married on the same day as Jared and me! Michelle introduced me to BeachBody, their products, and eventually became my upline BeachBody coach/sponsor.  We have since met in person, but don't get to visit face to face nearly enough. We started trying to start our families around the same time, and she is now expecting their first baby this spring!

The next  are some of my favorite "Creative Blogs/Sites"
http://vintagerevivals.blogspot.com/
http://www.thevintagepearl.com/
http://www.younghouselove.com/
http://www.capscreations.com/

There ya have it! Check them out, and enjoy! I have many more in my Google Reader that I will share some other time.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!!



We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. Hebrews 6:11-12



 

His eye is on the sparrow

One of my favorite bloggers, Kelly, does  "Show Us Your Life" segments on her blog from time to time. The SUYL subject this week is adoption.

Adoption has always been something very near and dear to my heart - something I always knew I wanted to pursue if I ever got married. I even had a few countries in mind I was interested in adopting a child from. When my husband and I were early in our dating relationship, I was shocked and thrilled when he brought up the subject of adoption, as something he was interested in! He too was interested in international adoption. Once we got engaged, I remember thanking God that he had brought me to someone who also shared a heart for orphans. I had always figured adoption was something my future husband would have to "warm up to."

In our perfect plan, we had planned on having two kids of our own, and adopting two. I am a slight control freak and have an obsession with planning. God likes to say "Oh really??" to  my best laid plans, and prove that He really does know better. We had already hoped to have one child of our own, or at least on the way by this point in our life. God has chosen otherwise, for now. I don't know what the future holds for us. I chose believe we will be parents one day, somehow. I don't know when, or how it will happen. Based on the way my husband and I's life has been since we have been together - I highly doubt it will anything conventional... life changes for us tend to be something ground moving/earth shaking/when and how did this happen to us.:) Ordinary is boring, right? Still, you have no idea how I long for ordinary some days.

Many people, when they learn of our current infertility,  have asked us if we have considered adoption. And while we have considered it, and are very interested and excited about it for the future, we have not yet felt lead to take that path just yet, for several reasons.
1. We haven't felt peaceful that is what God is calling us to at this exact place in our life.
2. It is a huge financial step, and without God's guidance, not a step we are able/willing to take just yet. If a baby needing a home came across our path this afternoon, we would spring into action and follow the Lord's guiding in heart beat.
3. I am scared. Fear is not something I have ever dealt with much at all in my life, so I don't always know how to handle "fearful" situations. But being a parent scares the HECK out of me! The thought of watching/experiencing a baby growing inside me for 9 months, and all the adjusting that takes place in your life during pregnancy, gives me some hope and comfort as far a preparing to be a parent. The thought of receiving a phone call, signing paper work, and coming home one day with a baby in my arms, down right scares the poo right out of me! I am just not sure I have the emotional maturity to jump into parenting that way just yet.So I am peaceful about waiting, with an open heart and spirit, for now.

 I made the mistake of reading the story of Kelly's friend, Catherine's, adoption story first thing this morning, after applying my make up. My eye make up is now a sight to behold. While I am on this new journey in life, I think it might be time for me to start wearing water proof mascara. There are many other wonderful stories that have already been shared too. Even if you are not on the path of adoption, I still encourage you to read some of the stories. They are a beautiful illustration of God's hand leading, guiding, and directing. Maybe you have a family full of babies, and have not one desire to add to that brood, but you are longing for  a new church, a new job, etc. Maybe you are single and longing a spouse. Allow these stories to minister to your heart, and show in new ways, that we serve and majestic and almighty God, who's eye really is on the sparrow.

Click here to read more stories!

P.S. if one of my "Warrior Basketball" readers who adopted "Gracie" reads this - you  should share your story - and can use my blog to do so.:) Your story still makes me tear up every time I tell it, or even think about how kind God was to your sweet little girl and your family.

Loosen my heart until it becomes a wing

I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.


-Dawna Markova
 

 
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove your old heart of stone and give you a new heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit in you and move you to follow My decrees and help you to keep My laws." - Ezekiel 36:26-27

Sometimes just saying "I'm Sorry" really is enough...

I remember several years ago when my Grandfather passed away, all the well meaning, but down right stupid things people said in attempt to bring comfort. While it was such a blessing to see the city's out pouring of love and respect for the man (I swear he had hired 75% of the city's teachers) I remember thinking "Just say 'I am so sorry' followed by a few things you loved about the guy and move on! Quit trying to make it 'ok' with your words, because you can't." Maybe I can be a little caustic in my thoughts when I am emotional.

I am reminded of these same sentiments as we walk down the path of infertility. If you ever want to render someone speechless, only to have them follow up their speechless moment with several well meaning remarks that so miss the mark (often doing more harm then good) - just tell them you are dealing with infertility. As a nurse, I feel pretty well trained/learned in what to say in difficult situations. I have been around the death bed of kids, from babies to adolescents, since I was 20 years old, attempting to provide care and comfort to the patients and their families. However, now that I am on this journey, I can think back on multiple conversations I have had with friends who were struggling to conceive their own child, and it makes me want to go back and just say "I am so sorry." So sorry they are having to go through this, and so sorry I opened my big fat, unknowing mouth. What I now know is, infertility leaves you utterly helpless - you have very little control over your situation. You do have control on making sure you are maintaining as healthy a lifestyle (spiritually and physically) as possible, and seeking medical help... but after that, you really just have to sit back and get swept along on what I call the "infertility treadmill."

If you come across someone who is dealing with infertility, chances are they have already done their own research, and are well versed in things that are in their control - things they can do to support the optimum environment for conception. They know stress can have negative side effects on their situation, so saying "Maybe you just need to relax," generally just stresses the infertile out. Relax, really? Well, its kinda hard when you are having to track and detect even the lightest change in your hormone levels. Most likely, they are already daily tracking their basal temperature, utilizing saliva home tests, as well as urine tests to track the progression of their cycle. The lack of any positive signs, leaves them feeling like "great, I can't even spit or pee right." Every twinge in the abdomen makes them fight the hope that "maybe this time I am ovulating," or "could this be the conception cramping everyone else talks about?" Relaxation and infertility do not exist synergistically. "It just takes time," is another one of my favorites, especially from people who got pregnant while on the pill, or who get to experience the "my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant," phenomenon. Chances are, you probably don't know how much time has already elapsed for this infertile couple. And if you ever laugh (like I used to) when you hear someone tell an infertile lady (often in a whisper) "maybe if you prop your butt up on a pillow afterwards..." hold the laughter - we (infertile couples) have done it... and maybe even still do it. Side note: if you have tilted uterus, research does show that gravity might be of some benefit. Consider that you helpful healthy hint of the day!:) Maybe statements of "faithful knowing" are helpful for some, but being told "I know you are going to get pregnant!" is not helpful for me. And that might be my medical mind getting in the way of my faith. If doctors can't guarantee we will conceive, the general public saying it doesn't bring any comfort at all. And I am not proud/happy to admit this. However, I am fairly confident we will be parents someday, so if you want to stake your claim of faith on that - go for it!:) 2nd side note: In case you haven't picked up on it already - I can be a tad schizophrenic when it comes to my logic... also known in our family as pretzel logic.:) God isn't done with me yet.

The journey down the path of infertility is different and individual for each couple. And if most couples are anything like myself and my husband, the challenges, struggles, hopes, and fears change daily (mainly for me). Add to this lovely scene, fluctuating hormones (whether natural or medically induced) changes ... well hormones rarely make anything easier. There is no exact recipe for how to communicate your infertility to others, or how to communicate and comfort someone you know who is dealing with infertility. One thing I think works every time, for every difficult situation, is a simple "I am so sorry." This allows the recipient the chance to accept your condolences, and guide the next part of the conversation. We all want to feel in control - right or wrong. It is at the base of our human nature. If you allow the person who is going through a difficult time (infertility, loss of job, loss of relationship or loved one, etc..) to feel like they maintain some control in the conversation, you will "get" more out of them, while providing the most comfort at the same time. Let them guide the conversation where they want it to go. I know there are many times I can talk about many aspects of my infertility for extended periods of time, without any difficulty. Other times, merely the sight of a pregnant lady, or baby can send me on an emotional tailspin. I really feel bad for people who have to walk along side infertile couples - there is no way to know what type of day they happen to be having, often until the wrong thing is said, or done. Most of time we are able to be mature enough to realize to pain was not intentionally caused. Please be very prayerful for your infertile friends when the weight of the burden they carry is about to overcome them momentarily, leaving them very helpless, and a bit irrational.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Psalm 73:21-22
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

The Christian Student Fellowship

My husband and I met through the Christian Student Fellowship (CSF) on UT's campus. My mom was an alumnus, and Jared (my husband) was a participant, several decades apart.:) We met an Alumni Reunion. It took us 5 years to realize that we had something other then just a casual long distance friendship. Once we realized that God had something other than "Just Friends" planned for us, things moved really fast. From the beginning our relationship, the CSF has been a central aspect. Once we began dating, we also started spending a lot more time at the campus house, hanging out with the students and staff. Over time, we became pretty permanent fixtures - at the house for the majority of student events, bible studies, meals, socials, parties, etc... We have developed some amazing relationships along the way. The former senior minister of the CSF, performed our wedding ceremony. My husband's best friend, is the Outreach Minister, and was his Best Man, and led worship at our wedding. And then there are the students... a wide variety of personalities, backgrounds, interests, abilities, etc... We sometimes laugh at the Heinz 57 grouping we seem to have acquired. But I wouldn't change the "collection"  for anything.

Last week, we had two female students dropped by our house as soon as they returned from their Christmas Vacation. They arrived before Jared got home from work. When my husband walked through the door I greeted him with "Honey, the kids are 'home'!" The girls promptly followed in unison with "Hi Dad!" Ha ha I wish I had a picture of the look on Jared's face.:)  Here is a glimpse of our life with "our kids."

Our wedding shower hosted by the CSF

The Dardens, Senior Ministry Couple

Volley Ball with summer students

Two of our favorite friends finally got married!

Outreach Ministry Couple, the Reeds

Fall Retreat Kitchen Duty

Some of my favorite memories with the students - campfire sharing and worshipping

What would college ministry be without football tailgating?

Valentines Day

Some of our precious girls, when they were "little freshmen"

The next few are some of my favorites:

Jared coached our girls Flag Football Team to their "winningest" season EVA!

Aren't they precious!?!

Team Prayer

They make my heart smile

3 spoons frozen yogurt, and great college students... life doesn't get much better

Fall Retreat 2010 - one of the best to date!

End of the Year Festivities and Parties

As much as I long to have a baby, I wouldn't trade where we are in life for anything. If postponing my mommy days is God's plan for us, so we can invest more time with these students, then I can be ok with that. These students have become some of our favorite people... they are friends... they feel like "our kids"... they teach us so much... they love us so well.... they add so much to our life.

We love you, CSF Students (and staff)! You are such a blessing to us each and every day!

Keep watch over yourself and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which He bought with His own blood. Acts 20:28

Faith: when knowing becomes trusting

One of my favorite bloggers, Amy , recently shared this quote out of some of her "notes."
"Faith happens when - despite our circumstances - we can say "I know" therefore "I trust."

I am learning I have "lots" of knowing. I need for that knowing  to become trusting!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1

A Baby Changes Everything... even just the desire for a baby

I never read just one book at a time. I usually have about 3-5 going at once (which is why I feel my need for a Kindle is real! If only my bank account understood.. ha ha) I love a good read - not just fluff and feel good stuff, but the meaty substance of good literature. I like stories that make me think, and don't always have fairy tale endings. I like real life stuff - reality, not fantasy. Don't get me wrong, Louisa May Alcott is one of my favorite authors, so I can enjoy a good feel good story... do not ask me how many times I have read the Little Women (or Little House on the Prairie. I know, different authors. My blog, my way of telling the story. Sheesh) series... I quit counting once the count reached the 20's. Don't judge. And before the inevitable question gets asked - no I haven't read the Twilight series. That answer could be its own post. Simple answer - Vampires=fantasy -> Fantasy and Vampires=not interesting to me. Now I am definitely off subject - time to focus!
Here is what my reading list looks like lately. I never dreamed my night stand would have to take on this appearance.

Plan B, Pete Wilson
Graceful Waiting, Jan Frank
The Infertility Companion, Glahn and Cutrer
Hannah's Heart, Jennifer Saake
Taking Charge of Your Fertility, Toni Weschler

Knowledge is power, right? Well, like it or not, infertility renders you really powerless.However, I do strongly believe in my husband and I being knowledgable about our medical options. Being a medical person, I understand all too well the misuse of power the medical community can implement on the naive and trusting general public. For me, there are a lot of ethical and spiritual considerations to make in the fertility arena. Let me state here and now that our convictions are ours, not yours. I hope I never put the weight of my own personal convictions, in this area or others, on the shoulders of another already burdened and weary infertile couple. My best advice - research, read, and educate yourself with both spiritual and secular books, articles, and journals. Unless you have a medical back ground I do advice against much internet researching - there is a whole heck of a lot of bull out there! And message boards... well maybe I just alway hit the schizo ones, but I have never found them to useful for learning anything beneficial about my infertility. But sometimes, it is nice just to know you are not alone - others (even the schizos) understand what you are going through.

I highly recommend all these books! I have not completed them all yet, and have only skimmed one or two of them - they still get my vote.:)
- Plan B is amazing, and has nothing to do with infertility. Wilson helps guide the reader through "what do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought He would." I think we could all benefit from a little reminder in that area.
- A Graceful Waiting is a small book (almost a devotional) that has more to do with personal growth, then infertility (its just one of the subjects referenced). The basis is "when there is nothing more that you can do, God's deepest work has just begun." As an oldest child (aka fixer-planner), Type A individual, wife, and female - I need lots of good lectures on this subject.
- Hannah's Hope is strictly an infertility book. While it made the story of Hannah come alive to me, I have a different emotional make up then that of the author. At times I had a hard time relating, and even applying elements of the book to my life. I do still recommend it, as the scriptural references (referred to as Heart Treasures) are probably the best I have come across (in relation to infertility). Another aspect of the book I really liked, was at the end of every chapter is a For Further Thought section. Wraps up the chapter, and challenges you to seek whether or not you seeking His throne throughout your journey. I will probably go back and reread these sections and the scriptural references... several times. Each chapter ends with a Burden Bearers section - for people who are walking along side an infertile couple. Since I am very different from the author, some of the recommendations seemed a little extreme to me, but they might be exactly what someone else needs.
- The last two books, are two that EVERY infertile couple should have, Infertility Companion and Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Both are medically based, but have lots of natural alternatives. One is christian based and the other isn't, but I have found both to be a treasure chest of knowledge.

I look forward to getting through the majority of these, so I can get back to reading material on different subjects.
- Next "pleasure read": Same kind of different as me
- Next "spiritual read" Jesus Calling
... and since that is only two... probably one or two more!:) Feel free to recommend away!

If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
Do you not know your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? YOu are not your own; you were bought at a price; therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19

Silence is a gift?!?

"His silence is a sign that he is bringing you into a marvelous understanding of Himself. You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible - with absolute silence. If God has given you a silence, praise him, he is bringing you into the great run of His purposes.
Oswald Chambers

Boo Hiss and Poo on a Stick Vulnerability!

Some of my readers love my "Boo hiss and poo on a stick" saying that I frequently use, so I thought I would entertain them a bit and use... and it really describes some of my emotions at the moment.

I shouldn't be surprised, but it has been a little shocking. I have been contemplating starting this blog for a while, but have hesitated as I just didn't feel like I was in the right frame of mind to do it. I finally get to a "good place" where I feel like I can share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc... start the blog... and proceed into a mental and emotional tailspin. I got really frustrated, and maybe a little ticked at God. As I tossed and turned in bed last night (which means I had been in bed for more then 45 seconds without crashing into near death like sleep) I remembered other times in my life, when I took a step out in faith... the bottom always seemed to fall out. Why? I am not one who likes to "over spiritualize" events in life, however, I do believe that Satan does not like the body of Christ being vulnerable with and supporting each other, and he will do whatever he can to keep up stuck - each in our little self pitying rut.

The first time my infertility really slapped me hard in the face was after hearing of yet another friend finding out they were expecting a baby. It was completely unexpected, and I was on my way to social event where I would have to be socially engaged for the next several hours. All I wanted to do was go to bed and let myself cry - really cry for the first time. In case you didn't know I never feel that way - crying is not a favorite or frequent activity of mine. Unable to do so, I mentally went to my "go to songs." Songs that help me get my focus off myself, my circumstance, and point me heavenward. Songs that help me feel the arms of my Heavenly Father enclosing around me. For whatever reason two songs that have accompanied me since childhood are "Seek Ye First" (our parents and grandparents walked into this song at our wedding) and the old hymn "Count Your Blessings (name them one by one)." Around the time of our wedding, I had to walk through another painful experience. While these songs helped comfort me some, they didn't quite seem to express the depth of what I was feeling. But I found a new song, and immediately added it to "my list" after first time I heard it.

Be Still
Storyside:B

I remember all the times
the good times and the bad
(some good and some are bad)
I'm still holding on to you
some days I wanna run
and times I come undone
but I still belong to you
thats how I know that

when I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
nothing seems at all to add up
can you hear me Lord?
my face is down upon the floor
its then you whisper in my ear
be still and know I'm here

I see a side of you my friend
the same struggles that I have
my heart goes out to you
I know its hard to feel alone
and this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
but I can tell you

when I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
nothing seems at all to add up
can you hear me Lord?
my face is down upon the floor
its then you whisper in my ear
be still and know I'm here

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

its not just you
and not just me
we all need to believe that
we are not alone

when I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
nothing seems at all to add up
i know you hear me Lord!
my face is down upon the floor
its then you whisper in my ear
be still and know I'm here

These "Be Still" lyrics have carried me many times. But on that day, they weren't getting the job done either. As my husband and I drove to the event, he turned on the radio just as this song was beginning to play.

No Matter What
Kerri Roberts

I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope
And You will be my strength

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You

No matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope
And You will be my strength

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You

No matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what

Coincidence? I don't think so. I am rarely at a loss for words, but in that moment in time I was. I could not form words to communicate the depth of the pain I was feeling. I don't think I could really even comprehend it yet. Those lyrics put the exact words to what was buried deep in my heart, underneath the pain. I played back the lyrics I could remember over and over in my head the rest of the day. It wasn't a great day, and I was exhausted by the end of the event, completely mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. But I was no longer despairing. I knew this time in my life was allowed, maybe even chosen, for me specifically by my Heavenly Father, and He felt all my pain too. And no matter what, I still loved Him!

Everyone has a "Hannah's Heart" at some point

I watched a TV show where a teacher asked his class to take part in an Ernest Hemmingway "project" - chose one word that describes what you want most in life. Personalizing visual media like I always do (not sure that is such a healthy quality) I partook. Contentment. Wait, what!?! Yeah, I know, you may think I started this blog because I want a baby, and don't get me wrong, I do! But I was so excited this was the FIRST word that came to mind! Its an answer to prayer, and it may seem small to some of you, but for me, its huge! As I have stated before, I never want my unmet (as of yet) desire to be a mommy to keep me from sharing in the joys of life with myself, my husband, and those around me. To me, this would be far more tragic then never holding my own child in my arms (depending on what mood, part of my cycle, day, or even minute you catch me). I have kinda quit asking God for a baby... we talk about it daily to be sure, but it more has to do with my thoughts and feelings towards the whole subject. I know He knows I want a baby. I know He can make it happen. I also know, He has something to teach me in this journey. I don't want to focus so much on the "earthly object" that I loose sight of the eternal purpose. There is a "stinky" side to this, too - I figure "well, if I have to be here against my will, might as well get as much out of it as I darn well can." Not the cleanest motive of the heart, I know, but it is sincere and honest, and I think God can do a lot with it, if I let Him. What I do ask Him for, beseech Him really, is for abiding peace and contentment. I am so thankful my Heavenly Father is helping me "get there."

The bible describes Hannah as a "heart that pounded with a mother's love long before she was blessed with a child... through years of waiting and longing, her gentle heart was nearly crushed under the weight of grief (Hannah's Heart, by J. Saake). We all have that something we long for more than anything. Something only the fulfillment of that desire can fill. Single people want to be married, married couples long for a child, career individuals seek a job change, we want to live somewhere else - different house, town; we want more friends, or any friends at all; long for the healing of a medical diagnosis, we are body and image conscience (I left adolescents year ago, why haven't I left the acne behind?!). We can become so inwardly focused that our desires seem so much more important/significant then everyone else's. Everyone's painful desire is significant to them - as much, maybe even more so then ours.

In addition to being content, I want to be thankful and joyful for the many blessings God has already granted me. Two things I am most thankful for, and often feel unworthy of - my salvation and my husband. Two things not everyone has, but many long for and seek after. I want to become "outwardly" focused, so that I can see the needs and aching desires of others. While I desire a baby, I know there are many girls who long for a husband, someone to walk along side them through life. I may cry just as much as they do at night, but at least I have a husband in bed next to me, holding me and comforting me. The single ladies cry alone. I would rather cry with my partner's arms around me, then cry alone.

I am indeed blessed.

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not grow weary; and they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Restore to me the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12

Kairos - a right and opportune moment... when something special happens

I know this is a right and opportune moment, it is yet to be seen as to whether or not something special happens. For some back ground on who I am and why I am blogging, visit the "About" tab on the top left hand side of the screen. Regardless as to whether anything "special" is accomplished by this blog, I am excited and terrified about starting out on this journey. Being open and vulnerable has never been a strong point of mine. However, over the past few years, I really feel like God has been showing me, in a variety of ways, how to be open, inviting, and vulnerable. No matter where you are in life, or what your surroundings, I feel that these three attributes embody christian femininity. I love Elizabeth Elliot's statement "The fact that I am a woman does not mean I have to be a different type of christian, but the fact that I am a christian dose require that I be a different type of woman." I am on a journey to be that "different type of woman."

I married my best friend in the spring of 2008. Since then we have been beyond blessed with amazing marriage. Now that we are nearing the end of our first three years of wedded bliss, people ask two things:
1. So how is marriage now that thee honeymoon phase if over?
2. Do you have kids/isn't it about time you two start having babies!?!

The answer to question 1 is this: our marriage (by the grace of God) is by far healthier, stronger, deeper, and more mature then during the days of our honeymoon in Jamaica (incredible as that experience was!) We have definitely has some major bumps in the road, thanks to some totally unforeseen "women's health issues" early in our marriage. While I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, I can say that in the end, we came out stronger and more unified as husband and wife. It gave me a solid foundation to stand on regarding my husband's unconditional love for me, and for "us" as a team.

The answer to question 2 is: No, we don't have kids, but trust us, we are beyond ready to be holding our own babies in our arms. (Ok, so the words to that last part are definitely my own sentiments! While my husband is very ready to start our family and be a dad, I am fairly certain the words "hold our own babies in our arms" would never come out of his mouth!) We have been trying to conceive (and trying, and trying, and trying) for over a year. As soon as you say, "Nope, no kids yet." the inevitable next question is "Well, don't you think it is about time to get started on that!?" There is no easy way to completely and truthfully answer that question without making the "asker" feel nothing short of uncomfortable. I never knew how uncomfortable/unprepared the general public is to talk about infertility. Going through this has opened my eyes to so many different aspects of "life conversations," many completely unrelated to fertility. I think that topic is/will be a post all of its own.

As I state in the "About me" section, part of the reason for starting this blog is to allow our support system the opportunity to know where we are in this journey when they want to know. Our friends and family can read this in a time a space that is right, convenient, and comfortable for them. I also do a much better job communicating my thoughts and emotions in written forms of communications as opposed to verbally. (If you think I ramble here, you should hear me attempt to speak about these aspects of my life - seriously!) I also hope that anything I learn from this experience, whether through my Heavenly Father, my own research and physicians, books read, etc.. will help to bless and encourage anyone who might stumble across my ramblings.

One thing I want to make very clear - I can still rejoice with those who are blessed with the gift of conceiving their own children. This is also my first prayer request. I never want the fact that my own desires are unfilled in this area, to keep me from celebrating in the gifts God gives to others, in the form of children. This, to me, would be the ultimate tragedy - allowing my joy and thanksgiving to be robbed because I am simply not getting what I think we deserve, therefore not being able to partake in the joys of others. I can think of few things more selfish, sad, and immature. My prayer is that I can still enjoy and celebrate the gift of new life, through entering into the joy of others around me, who are blessed with one of my deepest desires - to be a mommy.

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9