Medical and Anatomical Terminology gone WRONG!

I wasn't planning on doing another Rantings of  Pediatric Nurse post for a while, but two recent incidents are begging to be documented, shared, and laughed over. I will be putting peices of punctuation in between certain words/letters. For those who don't blog, or know, when you google any word or term, blogs talking about said word/term are often brought up. Especially the more racy the word. It is also a tactic used by scammers. Therefore, placing breaks, of any kind, in the word help "hide" it from random searches.

This first story was a lengthy voicemail left, which we nurses greatly enjoyed listening to over and over again when we needed a little light hearted pick me up. Some of the content is a little edgy, but the fact that patient being talked about is not even a toddler yet, makes it somehow "ok" in my min.:)

Message:
Uh, yeah, this here is "So and So's" grandma, and I's callin for my grandson, cause, well, my daughter, she just don't know how to talk to you people, and since I's been doing it for 20+ years, I can, so that's why I'm calling. I can't believe I'm gonna say this, cause I never talk this a way, but I don't knows any other ways to put it. His willy.whacker. just ain't right. Its all red, and well... it grows and gets hard. And his... oh I just don't know how to say this... but... well... his ka.hu.nas are all red, and swollen, and look like theys about to pop right on open, like a ballon. And they change sizes too! And now that we have been watching, we think he might, but surely he couldn't, be, getting well... an O. Anyways, ifin yous don't mind giving us a call back, we surely would be appreciatin' it. Thank ya kindly.

Ok, well ma'am, no wonder your daughter "don't know how to talk to us folks." Evidently her parents didn't use, or no how to use, proper anatomical terminology, which can make things feel very shameful to talk about, and very uncomfortable, if you don't know the correct vocab to use.

Story number two.

An adolescent girl comes in with a long  list of symptoms and ashot record that is all over the charts - looks like she has received too many of certain vaccines, and not enough of the vaccines required to  be in school. Obviously, we did not have complete or correct documentation. The mom insists that the only place her daughter has ever received vaccines was our office, and we obviously, "don't understand right doc-u-men-ation!" With the help of the Health Dept we were able to determine the child, in fact, had received very few of her vaccines from us, but from various local health departments and health clinics. Of course, once I show mom this documentation, she miraculously remembers these encounters. Turns out, the child only needs to complete her HPV series (Human Papilloma Virus). Keep in mind, she has already started the series, but had not yet completed it.Before, we could get on to giving the patient the shot, and getting her well on her way, she and mom remember symptom number 127 they forgot to mention: bad ti.tt.ies. I really don't know how to respond to this, so I just sort of look back at them with a raised eyebrown expression.
Mom: she need to go see a ti.tt.y. specialist cause she all the time complaining about how her t.i.ts be hurting her. I thinks she crazy.
Evenutally, we decide, yes, we can infact to send her to a breast specialist.
Moving on to the shot. I get the shot ready, and walk into the room to find the child completely clothed in the 10 different layers she came dressed in. This visit had already taken way longer then it should have, and my HCG seemed particularly high that day, so I was more then slightly frustrated that I was going to have to wait for this slow moving, but quick talking, patient to undress the top half of her body, so I could give her shot in the arm.
Me: Ok, sweetie, I know you just got redressed, but like I said earlier, I am going to need to take all those jackets and shirts off so I can give you your shot. Mom, here is the information on the HPV shot we talked about earlier.
Patient: Why I gotta take my shirts off?
Me: Because if I give your short through your clothes, I can't clean your skin, so the site will probably get infected, and the needle will be dulled by the clothes, and will hurt more when I stick the needle into the skin.
Mom: why got to take her shirts off though
Me: for all the reasons I just stated. I know its inconvenient, but I will be really quick, I promise.
Mom: but why does her shirt have to come off?
Me: Again, so I can can clean off her arm, before giving her the shot.
Mom: whoa whoa whoa, I think you better be explaining whats exactly you are about to give her,young lady.
oh for the love... how many times do I have to go over this
Me: Remember, we talked about the HPV shot series she has already started, but hasn't completed. It protects against the Human Papilloma Virus, which is one the leading causes of cer.vi.cal cancer and gen.it.al worts. You know, the commercial about "wanting to be ONE LESS, o-n-e- l-e-s-s?"
Mom: Oh I know what is for, but I still don't know why she has to take off her shirt to get it, if she is going to get it in her c.oo.ch.ie.

I am really not sure how my chin didn't fall to the floor, or how I did not just die laughing. I think I was so over this whole exchange by this point my composer kept itself.

Patient: wait whoa NO I ain't getting no shot in my c.oo.ch.ie. Na uh!
Me: No ma'am (to the mom), we give immunizations in the arm or the legs, And honey (to the patient) even if your mom would let you have a shot down here, I wouldn't give it, so we are good - arm is the only option for you and me today.
Mom: Well, I'll be! What do you know - you get a shot in the arm to prevent something bad in the c.oo.ch.ie. Aint' that just something!

Never dull moment, I tell ya! ;-)