Monday, December 31, 2012

Farewell 2012, Hello 2013

its amazing the difference a year can make

I had grand visions and plans of writing one of those deeply reflective and emotionally stirring posts that real bloggers always seem to write on/around New Years... instead, I am pecking this out on my iPhone, from a sick bed. Jared and I have been down and out for the past 48 hours... He still isn't convinced it isn't some life threatening disease. I have no such concerns, but am equally miserable.

Today I tweeted:
There should be a law of nature that both parents can never be sick at the same time... Unless you deserve a special level of hell.
To make matters worse, we got sick while out of town visiting my family and friends... and had to travel back home sick as dogs. So of course, I had to let the social media world know of my miseries:
Being sick is never fun... Traveling sick is miserable... Being sick as a mom, brings being sick to a whole new level!! #whydidileavemymom
So, no this post isn't going to be well thought out and pristinely written, with deep insights and spiritual inspirations... just a sick mom's musings.

2012 saw me become a mom, and my husband become a dad.


As odd as it may sound, it wasn't earth shattering, and I didn't feel the earth shift on its axis, like many people tell it, when speaking of becoming parents. For me, it was like Ellie Faith as always been a part of our life, and I couldn't remember what it was like without her. I would describe it as complete. Now I will say the experience of becoming a parent was slightly different for Jared.

Bear with me moms/parents who are wanting to throw something through their computer screen...

I believe this was the case for several reasons. Our experience with infertility, and my subsequent high risk pregnancy and bed rest left us just so incredibly grateful to not only have a baby, but a healthy baby.

She also happened to be one of the easiest babies ever! Put herself on an every three hour feeding schedule from birth, and was sleeping 8+ hours a night by week 7. Not your typical newborn experience.

I also think the fact that for years I had taken care of 2-3 babies at a time, status post open heart surgery or transplant made another difference. One healthy baby is (can be) a piece of cake.

Jared and I often looked at each other and say,"are we really parents? Is this precious kid really ours to keep?"

Well, that whole "holy crap we really are parents!" feeling has started to sink in for us in the past 6 weeks or so.

Why just now? Well, Ellie Faith, our sweet, precious, easy going girl has discovered her own (very strong) opinions and self will. So basically, for the first time we are really consistently/routinely pushed outside our comfort zone and tested by our daughter.

I am not surprised by this, and was in fact, expecting it.

I am a baby lover. I can hold even a strangers baby for hours. If I am anything like my mom, I will be loving babies just as much when my own grandbabies are being born.

I am also extremely independent, strong willed, and structured. Babies, are easy (or Ellie was for me) to fit into your life, and your schedule. Toddlers... not so much. We are starting to get our first taste of what it means for our lives to be way more influenced by Ellie Faith's emotions of the moment.

I have a feeling I will fall into the minority of moms who love the first 10 months with their baby, and endure (with lots of love) years 1-3!

And for all you "experienced" parents out there laughing that I think years 1-3 will be bad, and just wait for ages 10-22... I am as well aware as I can be from my point in my journey of parenthood of the challenges ahead. However, I am choosing/trying to keep in step with what my mom's wise words:
"Don't Future Trip"
2012, you have a great year  - one of the best to date. You saw us welcome our daughter with eager anticipation, open arms, and hearts bursting with love.

2012 saw us learn to became a family - a daddy, mommy, and baby girl. It also saw us release another baby back into the arms of Jesus.

2013, I think (hope and pray) you will see us become parents.
Here is a quick preview of our first Christmas as a family  of three!

And because my life isn't miserable enough right now... my blogger app erased this post just as I was publishing... so I ended up slamming out an even more choppy, short, and segmented post then planned  ... on the computer.

Happy New Year everyone! 

.... I need IV advil and tylenol stat!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas with Jesus

My precious little baby, I wanted you know that mommy is doing ok... better than ok... mommy is moving on with Jesus.

Your memory will be with me forever. Always a stamped impression on my heart and life story.

I got a little scared at first when memories of your short life started to not hurt as much. Was I forgetting you? Was I beginning to stop loving you?

Now that I have moved/am moving to the other side of the pain, I realize neither option will ever be true for me (us).

I felt a physical change in my heart and emotions when I read a quote on good ol' pinterest:
Because someone we love is in Heaven, we have a little bit of Heaven in our Heart/Home.
It may sound simple or even corny to some, but it resonated so deeply with me! My sweet baby, who I will never get to hold here on earth, you have brought a bit of heaven into our home. You have connected me, in a different way, to Jesus.

Thanksgiving was hard for me, for several reasons. I think it was, for now, a final major milestone of grieving. But somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, a shift took place inside my heart.

I started to grieve your loss to us less, and rejoice more about you being in the presence of Jesus. Yes, there will always be a gap in my life left by you, but if I choose to, God's glory can be seen in that precious space. His light can shine through your gap. Your absence can be a testimony of God's love to a hurting world around us. If I choose Joy.

I still get sad thinking of you, and that is ok. I don't think Jesus minds that... in fact I think He completely understands. And He grieves with me. Recently, what brings me the most sadness is seeing how obsessed your big sister has become with B.A.B.I.E.S!!! She would have loved having a real life baby doll in our home this spring... but then again, she is very aggressive with her demonstrations of love and adoration, so you could have had a rough go of it at first.

Early on in December, I came across this poem:
My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 
With tiny lights like Heaven’s starts, reflecting on the snow.  
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear 
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.  
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.  
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, 
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.  
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, 
But I am not far away, we really aren’t apart.  
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear, 
And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above, 
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.  
After all love is a gift more precious than pure gold. 
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.  
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do 
For I can’t count the blessing or love He has for each of you.  
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear. 
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
Again, I felt a physical shift take place inside me. You are in Heaven with Jesus... yes, my human momma's heart grieves in the emptiness you left in my arms and heart, but in the deepest recesses of that momma's heart, I realized there was rejoicing for you - you are in Heaven with Jesus! That joy was, and had been, held deep down inside all along. It was time to bring it out and not keep it hidden.

I still tear up reading this poem, but now instead of tears of pain and loss, they are being taken over with tears of Joy... laced with a momma's jumbled emotions. I have a baby living with Jesus!

For Christmas, Daddy got me a new charm for my Pandora bracelet. It has dainty leaves and roselettes - two things that will forever remind me of you. The leaves outside were in full fall color the week we found out you were no longer with us. Daddy and I spent lots of time outside, just the two of us, that week. Some friends of ours gave us some lamented fall leaves in a care package during that time, and those leaves are in my little box containing your memories. Alongside the leaves, are some beautiful dried roses that came in a gorgeous arrangement from the CSF.

Roses and Fall Leaves... an analogy to me of changing times and new life... through loss.

And so my sweet baby, I release you, in a new way (in my heart) to go and enjoy being held in the arms of Jesus.

Your mommy rejoices for you!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Sometimes you need to remember in order to Give Thanks

I wrote the following post years ago... in one sitting... during my lunch break at work. Trying to hide the tears that kept welling up while writing from so many different emotions. I only let 5 of the people closest to me, whom I felt the safest with, read it at first. Over a year later, I shared it with three others who were going through a similar situation, and I thought it might be of an encouragement to them.

Recently, I took a big step in practicing vulnerability and shared it with the college girls in the Bible Study I am helping lead this semester. I encouraged/challenged the girls to always take time to look back over their lives to see how far they have come. And to realize that during the many times where they thought for sure they were missing out, or being held out on... those times often become some of life's greatest blessings.

My past few posts have clearly chronicled that this Thanksgiving season is not something I have really been looking forward to or engaging in. So I started taking inventory of past gifts, to refocus my vision on all the incredible, undeserving gifts, God has blessed me with in my life. I randomly remembered this post, and knew it was time to "put it out there."

As I said, it was written in one sitting. I haven't edited it at all, as I didn't want to take away from raw emotion of pain and healing these words describe. If I were to edit this, I feel sure I take away and add where addition and subtractions would alter the overall message and feelings. So here it is - raw and uncut.

But first, because she is just too stinking cute...
Gosh, I love that little bundle of joy and attitude!

And now for Thanksgiving in the Remembering
I am loving Chris August's new song, 7x70.

I've been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born
These walls have seen me happy
But most of all they've seen me torn

They've heard the screaming matches
That made a family fall apart
They've had a front row seat
To the breaking of my heart

First of all, a disclaimer. The song lyrcis depict a house tormented by upheavel and turmoil. My home life could not be further from this discription! I was deeply loved, supported and cherished by my parents. I was blessed to be raised under one of the most Christ centered marriages I have ever witnessed. When I listen to these lyrics, I invision a figurative, not literal,  house. As a Type A personality, compartmentalizing every aspect of my life is probably my second greatest talents (my first being my ability to sleep!) I can "live" in several different figurative houses, at a time. I recently had to close and lock the doors of one of my "houses".... there might even be a  "Condemned" sign on the barred door. It was a "house" I did in fact grow up in, learned a lot in, made many wonderful and cherished memories in, but was nearly crushed in these walls.

I remember running down the hallway
Playing hide and seek
I didn't know that I was searching
For someone to notice meI felt alone and undiscovered
And old enough to understand
Just when I'm s'posed to be learning to love
You let me doubt again

I felt alone and undiscovered
And old enough to understand
Just when I'm s'posed to be learning to love You
Let me doubt again

We all out grow places, relationships, and phases in life - its one of the hardest parts of growing up and walking down the roads the Lord puts down in front of you. I hate this aspect of life, especially when it invovles relationships. In a stubborn childishness, I think all relationships that have wonderful memories, should last a life time. Pollyanna and Rebecca of Sunny Brook Farms were two of my favorite book series as a kid. While they provided wonderful hours of literary entertainment, they did not necessarily give me an accurate protrayal of real  life relationships. :) I think we can all look back to certain places and times in life, when we were that kid running down the hall, playing hide and seek - being carefree and having fun. But deep down we felt somewhat alone and undiscovered, just yearning to noticed and understood. This is exactly where I was several years ago - I didn't want life to ever change, yet I realized something was missing. I thought I was what was missing - I thought I was inadequate in my relationship with Christ, and with my body of church friends (my nearest, dearest, and closest relationships.) To some extent, my relationship with Christ was lacking - I am human, therefore there will always be an emptiness inside me, pushing me to become closer with my Savior. Because of this I never want to be fully satisified. In my "Pollyanna-mindedness" I failed to see the signs that I was being called out onto a new path, with new expereinces, new relationships, etc... Instead of looking up and ahead for answers, I kept tripping along looking behind me, in the past, trying to find answers for where I went wrong. I mean, hind sight is supposed to be 20/20, right?

Just when I'm s'posed to be learning to love
You let me doubt again

I am a handful, I will be the first to admit it! I don't think I am an easy person to get to know quickly - I am very guarded and reserved, always in self-preservation mode. I mask this by asking a bazillion questions about everyone else. Then I am stupid enough to feel hurt that I  know everyone else so much better then they know me. At least, I used to be completely like this... I am pretty sure I have gotten better. During this "tripping" season in my life, while I felt so humanly alone and misunderstood, it will be one of the most precious times in my memory of my relationship with Jesus. He held me into Himself, in His embrace. He showed me areas that, yes, definitely needed to be hacked, pruned, and weeded, but He also validated so many areas that I had always been so insecure about. I have talked about some of this here. He gave me permission to be "free to be me" in Him. I tried sharing this with the people I fellowshipped with. I thought at first that I was just not able to be descriptive enough about, then when their misunderstanding continued, in my hurt, I just thought they didn't care and disrespected me. My closest friends, who I had grown up with, gone through so many hard times with, and learned so much about life with, who I thought knew me, were becoming strangers to me. I was crushed.

I lost count of the ways you let me down
But no matter how many times you weren't around
I'm all right now

In God's perfect timing, my future husband re-entered my life. It was a whirlwind romance to be sure. I threw my poor family for quite a loop! I went from "never getting married" one day, to seriously dating, engaged, and married in less then a year. Hey, when you are in your mid 20's, and you know - you know!:) He provided that safe place I had been seeking. Jared saw me, understood me, respected, andloved me... even though I have caused him a LOT of head scratching since our dating days! We knew early on in our relationship that our married life together would start in Knoxville, not my home town. Now, I was faced with figuring out how to say good-bye to so many precious and cherished relationships, that were quite broken. NOT the way my neat and oraganized, compartmentalized self likes to do things at all. What transpired in the last few months leading up my wedding day and moving away, was one of the most emotionally ravaging experiences I have experienced. What was supposed to be one of the happiest moments in my life, was scarred with breaking friendships, causing rearrangement of our wedding party the month before we said our vows. While I never dreamed of my wedding day like most girls, I did have vision in my head of who would be there celebrating, as my wedding party, if that day ever happened... this was NOT the vision inside my head.

God picked up my heart and helped me through
And shined a light on the one thing left to do...

Despite the chaos and turmoil, there was complete peace! Jared and I, and our families, knew we were in the center of His will. And I felt so safe there, despite the upheaval. Jared and I wanted our wedding to be a reflection of God's love to His church - we wanted it to witness to any searching souls who were in attendence. I prayed earnestly that all the "crap" that was surrounding us would in no way affect our marraige ceremony. We wanted to focus to be on the heavenly, not earthly. I was a worried that when I entered the sanctuary and saw my fiance, surrouned by our newly altered wedding party, that I would only see what was missing. Having never been a bride, I did not realize the ONLY thing you are aware of is your fiance's eyes and your Daddy's support, as you walk down the aisle towards you new life! We had planned a mini-worship service of three songs for after my dad had given me away. During one of the songs, I took a deep breath, and looked over my shoulder at our precious wedding party... and what I saw was completely perfect.

...And that's forgive you
I forgive you!

It has been a long, painful process. One I wouldn't wish on anyone. I have not done it perfectly. I have acted and reacted out of hurt, when I should have acted out of love. I chose to ignor the road signs God placed along my path, indicating a change of course up ahead. Had I not tenaciously fought for things to stay the same, had I not resisted the intended change for so long, had I only been honest with myself, a lot of this maybe could have been avoided. I own my part in the hole debaucle. There are scars. Scars that might be there for a long time... maybe even life. But I chose to let them reminde me of what I have learned, instead of what has been lost. Going "home" to my hometown, is still hard - there are ghosts of my former life everywhere. A life, full of relastionships, that as hard as I try not to, I still love and miss.

7 times 70 times
If that's the cost I'll pay the price
7 times 70 times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

We recently went back to my home town to attend the wedding. I knew I would be seeing many of the people from my past (who, as side note, are all procreating abundantly, which doesn't help things these days!) I have to "pregame" these visits weeks ahead of time, to get my heart in the right place. I had the first hour of the drive to myself, so I listened to my new Christian play list, knowing I could use a little extra "pep ralley" heading into the weekend. However, I was really suprised by how excited I was for the upcoming celebration the chance to "Get to see everyone!" I haven't felt that way in a long time.

7 times 70 times
There's healing in the air tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around
 I'm gonna wrap it all around

It struck me when I heard the final phrases to these lyrcis:
Several months ago I didn't think I had any forgiveness left to give. I still wasn't in a good place with everything, but I had nothing left to give, or any more energy left to exert towards the effort. It was a new level of releasing control of the situation. If I was ever going to make any more progress, it would have to be all Him, and very little of me. These words: There's healing in the air tonight. I'm reaching up to pull it down, gonna wrap it all around, hit me full force. All I had to to do was "reach up and pull it down" and wrap the forgiveness of my Heavenly Father " all around." He would give it to me, and in His giving, He was also providing protection for my heart.
And that's exactly what happened. I was able to celebrate at the wedding, and enjoy seeing my old friends and their growing babies... even got to love on the growing babies (dear ovaries, please explode and uterus fling your arms opend wide, thank you very much!)

7 times 70 times
There's healing in this house tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around
Yeah, I'm gonna wrap it all around

So now, in front of my formerly foreclosed and condemned "house" is a sign that reads Forgiven and Healed.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Poppy Seed Chicken, Pepperoni Rolls, and Friday Confessionals

In my continued attempt to get back into the swing of blogging (goal being 1-2 posts a week), I have found doing link-ups helps get me writing! So today, I am linking up with one of my favorite fashion bloggers (although this is not a fashion post) Leslie at A Blonde Ambition for her Confessional Fridays. A little side note, Leslie met her husband through Kelly's Show us Your Singles... and he has been mistaken for Tim Tebow. So for all my single friends who make fun of me when I recommend you peruse the Singles link-ups, or let me "feature" you... there is the proof in the pudding!:)

Speaking of Kelly, I am also linking up for her Show us your life - Main Dishes installment.

Onto my confessions:

My scripture verse memory log is deplorable! Yes, and I am presently leading a girl's bible study. Scary? Most definitely! I can not for the life of me memorize a darn thing. This was a major issue in my upper level science and nursing courses (especially pharmacology... which is the class keeping me from ever getting my nurse practitioner degree!) I am a such conceptional person. You should see me trying to come up with scripture verses... I know their concept and meaning, just not the exact wording or location. Thank God for google!

Because of this lacking on my part, don't be surprised if Ellie has scripture verse memory card crammed down her throat and given to her at every gift giving holiday for the first 15 years of her life.:) If you are looking for good scripture verse memory cards, check out these lovelies!

In keeping with the theme of my lacking and subsequent "loving forcings" to assist Ellie in turning out better - my child eats broccoli and spinach at least twice a day, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I still gag at the smell of steaming broccoli, and honestly, its probably been a good 12 years or more since I have eaten a bite of it. Luckily, in the last few years I have learned to tolerate spinach. However, I literally have no natural relationship with most veggies - its a forced one. Therefore, my child eats a diet made up of 3/4 veggies, and 1/4 fruits and grains. I am seriously praying about whether or not I can tell her I am allergic to the majority of vegetables when she questions me on why I don't eat the majority of what I cram down her throat... doesn't gagging and vomiting constitute allergic?

I realize those confessions could cause some people concerns about my parenting tactics. I promise I will not be pushing my child into beauty pageants at any age of life, because I wasn't in them as a child. Ellie is not my ticket to accomplish everything I didn't in my childhood. Pinky promise swear.

We will not be having a Christmas tree this year... and probably very few christmas decorations. Yes, I realize it is Ellie's first Christmas. I also realize she will not remember as single moment of it. I am all about not causing uber amounts of frustration for myself and my child. Our house is fairly small, and the tree and decorations just make it feel crowded, even if pretty and cozy. Ellie is pulling up on everything, and I just foresee lots of tree-falling-on-baby-pulling-up-on-said-tree at this point in our life. Maybe next year. However, I am contemplating and researching several types of christmas photo shoots.

Since the miscarriage, I have found myself to be way more sympathetic to certain "life plights" of others, and much more hardened to others. I am not ok with the latter development and am working on it... but its a process for sure.

I have an extremely hard time keeping our two bedrooms clean. And feel daily guilt because of this habit/inadequacy/trait. I keep our livable space fairly clean and tidy, but the upstairs/bedrooms (that few people see except us) gets sadly neglected. I remember years ago reading relationship/marriage books that talked about how important it was to keep the couple's bedroom a sanctuary/clean and safe tranquil haven... HA! Epic wifely fail there. I have the best of intentions... just the worst of outcomes!

This morning I cried twice: once during GMA showing babies digging into smash cakes (something Ellie will be doing in less then two months!) and during the TODAY show during their broadcast of a Citizenship ceremony complete with Lee Greenwood's "I am Proud to Be an American." I also cry at every Carter's commercial these days.

I pray for celebrities. Seriously. I have two pop culture females I have prayed for consistently for two years. Is this normal? I also just recently added a "christianish" female celeb to the list. I promise, I don't pray for TV characters or books characters ... yet! But seriously, can someone please give poor Juliette Barnes a hug and tell her about Jesus' love for her. ;-)

Speaking of Juliette Barnes, I would be mortified if someone saw the iTunes play count of the song Undermine ... or heard me belting out this song in my not so pitch perfect vocals. Do yourself a favor and download it! Legally, of course!

How many of these confessions indicate I need counseling?

If anyone is ever in need a free and/or readily available babysitting - volunteer or go work at a college ministry. INSTANT babysitters! As in, kids begging to keep your child. I kid you not! You can even bribe the guys to "keep" your kid during her nap time, at the ministry location, while they just sit back and watch tv or do homework, and never even have to interact with your child. We seriously have to rotate who gets to keep Ellie when. Not a bad problem to have, really.

And finally, my final confession/link up for Show us your life - Main Dishes: we eat one of, or both, of these dishes weekly... that is one weeks I routinely cook. I swear that last portion of the sentence is not complete laziness of my part... its simply due to our crazy schedule!

The first is Poppy Seed Chicken from one of my dear friends, Danielle, who is one the best cooks, and most amazing hostess (and moms) I know!

Poppy Seed Chicken
  • 3 cups chopped cooked chicken (to make it even easier, I usually make my chicken in a crock pot. I put approx. 10 chicken breast tenderloins frozen and 1 can cream of chicken soup and let it cook on low for 8hrs).
  • 1 can cream of chicken soup (unless you made the chicken in the crock pot, since the soup is already in the cooked chicken mixture).
  • 1 (16oz) container of sour cream
  • 3 tsp. poppy seeds
  • 1 sleeve of Ritz crackers, crushed
  • 1/4c. butter, melted
  • Brown Rice (I like to make the packaged mushroom brown rice)
Combine chicken, soup, and sour cream. Pour over brown rice. Top with crushed Ritz crackers, poppy seeds and melted butter. Bake at 350 F for 20-30 minutes (until cracker pieces are browned.)

Seriously, sooooo amazingly good!

The second is a new find - Pepperoni Rolls. It a rather long, but super easy recipe, so just click on the the link to view the full recipe. I have modified this recipe a bit - see the list below.
  • I use pillsbury pizza crust - either the regular or whole wheat... depending on how healthy I am feeling
  • I add hard salami and pepperoncini peppers 
  • I baste with olive oil, pepperoncini pepper juice and garlic powder
  • I add extra cheese due to extra meat
And that, my friends, is a wrap! Happy Weekend! 

PS: Hubs and I have a date night tonight, thanks to some of our college girls! Whoop!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Marking Time.... 1 Month

This is harder then I ever imagined it would be. I am usually a fairly emotionally composed person. Being in charge of my emotions is something that I have always been able to master with (usually) ease, but this miscarriage ... not so much. I never thought I would be here, a month out, grieving almost as much as I did that first week.

I am ready to quit marking time, and yet scared for the day that happens. Wednesdays (the day we learned the baby had died) through Sundays (the day I delivered at home) are the worst. Its amazing, I am often not conscious of the significance of the day when I wake up, but I can feel such a deep heavy grieving in my heart as soon as I open my eyes, primarily on Wednesdays and Sundays. As time goes on, it is taking me longer to realize the significance behind the emotion and the day.

November 1 was tough - I was leaving the last month I spent with my baby, and entering the first month where we wouldn't be a part of each other's life. I am kinda of ready for November to be over... I am usually not that type of person, and I don't like that I am having these thoughts and feelings. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and I always look forward to it. Not this year. I am ashamed to admit its probably because I will be surrounded by babies and pregnancies. I hate being that person.

November is also my birthday month, and this year is a huge birthday - the BIG 3.0! YIKES! Initially, I was in shock an awe that God was blessing us with two babies by our 30th year. Something I never allowed myself to dream was possible when going through our infertility battles with Ellie. However, I am trying to accept the gift of being pregnant twice before I was 30 (something I never though I would get to experience)... because deep down, I really do see it as that - a gift. I am just not good at accepting the entire package right now. I don't like the outcome. But the bottom line is this - God is no less loving, caring, omnipotent, sovereign, or wise now than He was when I was pregnant. I just liked where I was in the life, and what He had given me, more then, then I do now. God has not changed. I have. As have my heart, dreams, plans, and emotions. Thankfully, I know His love for me has not changed and that He is grieving with me. He will be by my side as I walk through this valley of grief, up to the plateau of acceptance.

November 28 is the next day I am dreading - it was our gender scan. I recently deleted it from my phone. This day falls right after my birthday. I had already said and thought so much about how it was going to be the best birthday present ever. Ultimately, I have the choice on this upcoming birthday - to be sad and dwell on what was taken from us, or to be thankful for the many other blessings I have in my life. We don't get to control many of life's outcomes, but we can control our attitude. After all, it will be my first birthday holding a child of my own.

I had visions of family pictures around the Christmas tree, significantly pregnant, two years in a row. And was thrilled by the idea. Now, I am debating whether or not I am going to kick up my ab routine to flatten out the belly for said family pictures, or just go buy a pair of spanx... or maybe both. :)

Ellie's sibling was going to be very visibly growing inside me at her first birthday. Another chance for such fun photo ops. Yes, spanx are definitely beginning to look like a great purchase idea. Too many pictures coming up for this post baby mama!

And finally, the due date, this spring. But luckily, there are several months between Ellie's birthday and the due date... I am hoping by the time the due date rolls around, I will be in a much healthier state emotionally. In all honesty, I am really hoping by Thanksgiving to be in a much better place. I want to give/allow myself time to experience the pain and grief from this situation, to the fullness that is healthy. However,  I do not want to get stuck and wallow in the pit of grief.

Not my most well written post ever... plenty of ramblings and run on sentences... but I felt I just needed to put my thoughts and emotions into writing. It helps me makes sense of whatever I am going through. I also like being able to look back and see how far (hopefully) I have come.

In closing, let me say this. For women who have, are, or are going to miscarry - everyone around you moves on way faster then you will. Instead of getting mad, and allowing their seeming "forgettance" to annoy and hurt you, remember, your baby affected you way more intimately then any other human being aware of his/her existence. Only you truly got to begin forming a relationship with your baby. For everyone else, it was just a future thought. For you and your baby - you shared the same space, blood, oxygen... intimately woven together forever. You have to grieve in a different way, even then your husband.

And for people wondering what/if they should say anything or ask how you are doing... Don't be afraid of reminding the grieving mom of her loss... trust me, she will never forget. I can't speak for everyone, but for myself, I try to accept any thoughts or words sent our way, about the miscarriage, as people caring for us, loving us, and supporting us.

In the college girl's bible study I help facility, our topic of discussion this week was "In Due Season." It was very comforting for me. Here is a glimpse:

God's timing seems to be His own little secret. The Bible promises us that He will never be late, but I have also discovered that He is usually not early. It seems that He takes every available opportunity to develop the fruit of patience in us. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit that grows under trial. 
"Confident Womanhood"

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Baby Cackles

This kid is getting so much personality... and size. She needs to slow down her growing up asap! She is basically the most fun thing ever.

Look Mom, it's us! ;-)

Evidence that she is becoming a girl, and no longer a baby:

  1. Yesterday at Kohls, she cried because I wouldn't let eat the clothes on the rack, or pull them into the cart. Oh, and she was only interested in the clothes in her size department... it was like she knew which clothes were options to purchase!
  2. She is obsessed with the Old Navy mannequins! Whimpering and excessive waving every time we walked away from them, and when we left!

Since she was tiny, Ellie has been getting her fingers and hand stuck in my hair (if you have seen my hair you realize this is not hard to do!) She thinks its hilarious! Last night, we caught it on film. Of course, by the time we started filming she had gotten her hands out, but luckily mommy shaking her out of control bun in her face still produced the most precious sound ever.

Don't believe me? Listen for yourself. If this doesn't make you at least giggle, you have no heart. ;-)