Christmas with Jesus

My precious little baby, I wanted you know that mommy is doing ok... better than ok... mommy is moving on with Jesus.

Your memory will be with me forever. Always a stamped impression on my heart and life story.

I got a little scared at first when memories of your short life started to not hurt as much. Was I forgetting you? Was I beginning to stop loving you?

Now that I have moved/am moving to the other side of the pain, I realize neither option will ever be true for me (us).

I felt a physical change in my heart and emotions when I read a quote on good ol' pinterest:

Because someone we love is in Heaven, we have a little bit of Heaven in our Heart/Home.

It may sound simple or even corny to some, but it resonated so deeply with me! My sweet baby, who I will never get to hold here on earth, you have brought a bit of heaven into our home. You have connected me, in a different way, to Jesus.

Thanksgiving was hard for me, for several reasons. I think it was, for now, a final major milestone of grieving. But somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, a shift took place inside my heart.

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I started to grieve your loss to us less, and rejoice more about you being in the presence of Jesus. Yes, there will always be a gap in my life left by you, but if I choose to, God's glory can be seen in that precious space. His light can shine through your gap. Your absence can be a testimony of God's love to a hurting world around us. If I choose Joy.

I still get sad thinking of you, and that is ok. I don't think Jesus minds that... in fact I think He completely understands. And He grieves with me. Recently, what brings me the most sadness is seeing how obsessed your big sister has become with B.A.B.I.E.S!!! She would have loved having a real life baby doll in our home this spring... but then again, she is very aggressive with her demonstrations of love and adoration, so you could have had a rough go of it at first.

Early on in December, I came across this poem:

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 

With tiny lights like Heaven’s starts, reflecting on the snow.  

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear 

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.  

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 

But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.  

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, 

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.  

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, 

But I am not far away, we really aren’t apart.  

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear, 

And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above, 

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.  

After all love is a gift more precious than pure gold. 

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.  

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do 

For I can’t count the blessing or love He has for each of you.  

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear. 

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Again, I felt a physical shift take place inside me. You are in Heaven with Jesus... yes, my human momma's heart grieves in the emptiness you left in my arms and heart, but in the deepest recesses of that momma's heart, I realized there was rejoicing for you - you are in Heaven with Jesus! That joy was, and had been, held deep down inside all along. It was time to bring it out and not keep it hidden.

I still tear up reading this poem, but now instead of tears of pain and loss, they are being taken over with tears of Joy... laced with a momma's jumbled emotions. I have a baby living with Jesus!

For Christmas, Daddy got me a new charm for my Pandora bracelet. It has dainty leaves and roselettes - two things that will forever remind me of you. The leaves outside were in full fall color the week we found out you were no longer with us. Daddy and I spent lots of time outside, just the two of us, that week. Some friends of ours gave us some lamented fall leaves in a care package during that time, and those leaves are in my little box containing your memories. Alongside the leaves, are some beautiful dried roses that came in a gorgeous arrangement from the CSF.

Roses and Fall Leaves... an analogy to me of changing times and new life... through loss.

And so my sweet baby, I release you, in a new way (in my heart) to go and enjoy being held in the arms of Jesus.

Your mommy rejoices for you!