This is harder then I ever imagined it would be. I am usually a fairly emotionally composed person. Being in charge of my emotions is something that I have always been able to master with (usually) ease, but this miscarriage ... not so much. I never thought I would be here, a month out, grieving almost as much as I did that first week.
I am ready to quit marking time, and yet scared for the day that happens. Wednesdays (the day we learned the baby had died) through Sundays (the day I delivered at home) are the worst. Its amazing, I am often not conscious of the significance of the day when I wake up, but I can feel such a deep heavy grieving in my heart as soon as I open my eyes, primarily on Wednesdays and Sundays. As time goes on, it is taking me longer to realize the significance behind the emotion and the day.
November 1 was tough - I was leaving the last month I spent with my baby, and entering the first month where we wouldn't be a part of each other's life. I am kinda of ready for November to be over... I am usually not that type of person, and I don't like that I am having these thoughts and feelings. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and I always look forward to it. Not this year. I am ashamed to admit its probably because I will be surrounded by babies and pregnancies. I hate being that person.
November is also my birthday month, and this year is a huge birthday - the BIG 3.0! YIKES! Initially, I was in shock an awe that God was blessing us with two babies by our 30th year. Something I never allowed myself to dream was possible when going through our infertility battles with Ellie. However, I am trying to accept the gift of being pregnant twice before I was 30 (something I never though I would get to experience)... because deep down, I really do see it as that - a gift. I am just not good at accepting the entire package right now. I don't like the outcome. But the bottom line is this - God is no less loving, caring, omnipotent, sovereign, or wise now than He was when I was pregnant. I just liked where I was in the life, and what He had given me, more then, then I do now. God has not changed. I have. As have my heart, dreams, plans, and emotions. Thankfully, I know His love for me has not changed and that He is grieving with me. He will be by my side as I walk through this valley of grief, up to the plateau of acceptance.
November 28 is the next day I am dreading - it was our gender scan. I recently deleted it from my phone. This day falls right after my birthday. I had already said and thought so much about how it was going to be the best birthday present ever. Ultimately, I have the choice on this upcoming birthday - to be sad and dwell on what was taken from us, or to be thankful for the many other blessings I have in my life. We don't get to control many of life's outcomes, but we can control our attitude. After all, it will be my first birthday holding a child of my own.
I had visions of family pictures around the Christmas tree, significantly pregnant, two years in a row. And was thrilled by the idea. Now, I am debating whether or not I am going to kick up my ab routine to flatten out the belly for said family pictures, or just go buy a pair of spanx... or maybe both. :)
Ellie's sibling was going to be very visibly growing inside me at her first birthday. Another chance for such fun photo ops. Yes, spanx are definitely beginning to look like a great purchase idea. Too many pictures coming up for this post baby mama!
And finally, the due date, this spring. But luckily, there are several months between Ellie's birthday and the due date... I am hoping by the time the due date rolls around, I will be in a much healthier state emotionally. In all honesty, I am really hoping by Thanksgiving to be in a much better place. I want to give/allow myself time to experience the pain and grief from this situation, to the fullness that is healthy. However, I do not want to get stuck and wallow in the pit of grief.
Not my most well written post ever... plenty of ramblings and run on sentences... but I felt I just needed to put my thoughts and emotions into writing. It helps me makes sense of whatever I am going through. I also like being able to look back and see how far (hopefully) I have come.
In closing, let me say this. For women who have, are, or are going to miscarry - everyone around you moves on way faster then you will. Instead of getting mad, and allowing their seeming "forgettance" to annoy and hurt you, remember, your baby affected you way more intimately then any other human being aware of his/her existence. Only you truly got to begin forming a relationship with your baby. For everyone else, it was just a future thought. For you and your baby - you shared the same space, blood, oxygen... intimately woven together forever. You have to grieve in a different way, even then your husband.
And for people wondering what/if they should say anything or ask how you are doing... Don't be afraid of reminding the grieving mom of her loss... trust me, she will never forget. I can't speak for everyone, but for myself, I try to accept any thoughts or words sent our way, about the miscarriage, as people caring for us, loving us, and supporting us.
In the college girl's bible study I help facility, our topic of discussion this week was "In Due Season." It was very comforting for me. Here is a glimpse:
God's timing seems to be His own little secret. The Bible promises us that He will never be late, but I have also discovered that He is usually not early. It seems that He takes every available opportunity to develop the fruit of patience in us. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit that grows under trial.
"Confident Womanhood"
Great post! I share a lot of the same feelings. I completely forgot about my calendar in my phone. Yesterday after my d&c marked the end of our first trimester. My phone went off... I was in bed. I went to roll over and get it, my husband came flying in and grabbed it (our calendars were syned/his went off at the same time). I cried and cried. Crazy how little things can do that.
ReplyDeleteMy mom went through this FOUR times (and has five kids). She told me the most bizarre things will bring up the pain, but that is gets easier with time. For me, I have found it has helped to think ahead and map out/write down the things/times that I know are going to be difficult in the future. It has really helped... and as much as you almost dread this... it does start to get easier. For me I saw a dramatic change around week 5 (post completion of the miscarriage.)
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