Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Going through the motions

I am actually at work ( shhh don't judge!), so we will see if I manage to get this typed, edited, and published!: J I am in the middle of several things at the moment, all of which have stalled out for the time being, so I am going to try to put my fingers, thoughts, and emotions in high gear, and type this baby out!

I had my infertility appointment this past Thursday. I loved the office staff, the NP’s, and MD. Everyone was amazingly kind, comforting, and compassionate. I was in the office for ~3 hours! Exhaustion does NOT even begin to explain how I felt when I finally left! Evidently, I was a tad nervous going in, as my blood pressure was in the hypertensive range, ha ha! The stirrups and I do NOT have a kind and lovingly relationship, and I can literally go into full on body tremors at the sight of them… not even joking. Luckily, the staff recognized this, but did not criticize, what I realize is a semi-irrational fear, and took me out of the exam room and into an office for the “let’s get to know you, all your inner parts, and the most intimate inner workings of you and your husband’s relationship” part of the interview. We covered everything from my elementary years to the present day, mine and Jared’s family history, etc… I had all my previous blood work results written down and dated, print outs of all my vitamins and supplements, along with a LIST of questions. Yes, I am that nurse-patient, the one every medical professional dreads having in their office – but  I don’t think I am annoying, just educated and resourceful!:) After the interview, it was time for the head to toe exam, exterior and interior – woo hoo (sarcasm should definitely be inserted… it needs its own font… like maybe italics backwards or something…) A very sweet Nurse Practitioner did the exam, along with a pelvic ultrasound. Structurally, everything looked fine on the physical/manual/visual exam and ultrasound! I was very shocked – I was expecting a tilted and/or misshapen uterus, cyst ravaged ovaries (not a cyst to be seen!), and all kinds of misalignment structurally speaking. As I was nearing the end of my cycle at the time, the endometrial lining was too full to get a really good visualization of interior structure, but size and position looked completely normal. I maybe would have liked to have seen a tad of an ovarian cyst, for a little reassurance that my ovaries do in fact realize they are supposed to be spewing out eggs, but I will definitely take no cysts over 20 cysts any day! Next, I was off to the lab where I “donated” enough blood for a transfusion. The phlebotomist was phenomenal – thank goodness! J After my blood “donation”, I had a recap conversation with the NP, discussing again everything we had gone over and the plan for this upcoming cycle. I was also given a slew of literature to read and research for possibilities of future tests and possible time lines for procedures.

I held it together (other then my brief hypertensive crisis) really well, until I was leaving and the NP patted me on the back and said “Ok, sweetie have a great day, and we look forward to seeing you soon!” The water works were coming on hard and fast – stupid, I know, and for no reason. Let me state here and now – I do NOT cry in public! For one reason, I am one of the ugliest criers ever! The side effects linger for hours afterwards, advertising to the world that I have had a sob fest at some point that day. I was able to hold it in, only to have “it” come on hard and fast again at the check out window THREE more times! I think the tears that tried to come out as I was walking out were more from me being mad at myself for nearly crying 5 times in the last 5 minutes (surely a new record for me). Luckily, I thought I saw someone I knew in the lobby so that snapped me out of it quickly… only to discover I totally did not know them. I called the hubs as soon as I got into the car, and luckily relief I felt just hearing his voice and talking to him about the last three hours didn’t bring me to tears again. We decided to meet at Chickfila for dinner (cause when doesn’t Chickfila make your day better instantly!?!), so I went to Hobby Lobby to kill time while I waited for him to get off work. My husband fears for our life savings when he hears about this store… I can literally spend HOURS in that place! About this time I got hit with the most severe case of exhaustion I have ever felt (if I am ever pregnant, I can’t wait to compare it to 1st trimester fatigue…I think it would give it a run for its money!) Then the tears briefly started again, with the thoughts of  “oh my gosh, did I seriously just have to go see and infertility specialist!?!?” Followed by relief knowing that I no longer how to try to figure things out on my own, we had someone specially trained to do that for us, followed by anger about having to go see a fertility specialist, followed by “I am too freaking tired to even cry, maybe I will just sleep until tomorrow instead!” J I aimlessly wandered the aisles of Hobby Lobby, and can remember seeing one thing worth buying, unless it was baby related… which means I didn’t remain in that aisle or display a second longer! Even Chickfila is a blur…
We went straight to bed after we got home, but I had way too much info swirling in my brain to actually go to sleep. Since we have been doing some home renovations, our iMac is up in our room, so we actually have the ability to watch TV or movies in bed (we don’t have a tv in our bedroom.) So we took advantage of this, and just watched mind numbing television. It did the trick, and put me into a death like sleep! J

I haven’t yet received the results of my blood work. I don’t really mind… I know from working in a medical office myself, you call the critical results and/or crazy patients back first, followed by the patients you have followed the longest/like, leaving the “newbies” who aren’t too screwed up (yet) for last.:)  Based on our new plan, and how my cycle cooperates, I will go back in ~ 2 weeks, and go from there.

Thank you all for all the prayers, texts, emails, phone calls, facebook communication, tweets, etc… you all sent me before, during and after the appointment! They meant to world to us! I especially want thank my dear friend - my “Aunt” Tammy, who offered to take off work to come sit with me and hold my hand during my appointment, if I decided last minute I did want someone there, and Jared was two hours away. I didn’t change my mind, but it felt really comforting knowing she was just a phone call away.

Now should I edit this, or just publish as is… well, now that you have finished reading, I will let you guess as to what I chose to do… but I won’t ‘fess up if you ask. J

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
Matthew West "The Motions"


  1. So happy to hear that thing are moving along! Thanks for the update.

  2. Glad to hear you had a good appointment. And I totally get where those tears came from. It's such a relief to finally have someone taking care of this for you.

  3. Hearing you describe your consult really brought the memories back. I forgot how exhausted I was at the end too! I was this close to crying the whole time...but managed to save it for the car somehow.

    I know it seems like a huge deal to see a specialist, but once you get the diagnostic testing out of the way, having a plan feels GREAT. And you're right, it's out of your hands now. Relax and let them worry now :)

    Thanks for your comment on my blog!

  4. Love you Amo and JROD! Know I am thinking and praying for you both!