Thursday, February 3, 2011

"There is a Chamber in God Himself....

...into which none can enter but the one, the individual." George MacDonald

I am amazed by how many people I have "met" through this blog, in its short existence. I am still learning all the lingo in the blog world, and the infertility world. Really, the acronyms alone could be their own entire post! For example, who knew that:
OOTN = "Outfit of the night"
BFN = Big Fat Negative (regarding home pregnancy tests. Bet ya can't guess what BFP is?? I will give you a hint: it is a VERY coveted term!)
TTC= Trying to Conceive
IRL= in real life (usually in relationship to friends)

The list could go on and on. Adds a whole knew dimension to the likes of "IDK. My BFF, Jill" uh?:)

My vocabulary is growing, I am meeting new people, finding amazing new websites - overall just learning a LOT! I always thought Blogging seemed somewhat egocentric in nature... or at least had the tendency to go there really fast. I didn't want this to be the case for me, and it was one of the main reasons I didn't start a blog for so long. The opposite has happened - this blog is very little about me, or my issues, my circumstances, etc... Sure, the majority of what I write about is me related/focused, but this new path has really pushed me outside myself. Introduced me to new people, with their own sets of talents and troubles. And that is my favorite part. This week alone, there are 3 individuals whom I have never met, only interacted with in the Blog/twitter world, but I have prayed for daily. It feels weird to admit it and/or talk about it, but it feels so right! After all, shouldn't the body of Christ be present everywhere - why not in the blog/twitter world too... maybe even Facebook... think that might be going a little too far? ha ha ! I box God in WAY too much in my life, and in life around me. He greatly delights in destroying my nice, neat partitions I have provided Him.

I find it very interesting (but perfectly logical at the same time) that the vast majority of bloggers are women. We (women) are so relational in our core - we long for that connection with others, even if it scares us to death, makes us uncomfortable, or reveals all the more how we don't think we are "enough." And while I do think one should not only have "Internet friends", but IRL friends too (remember, that means In Real Life), I have been so blessed and encouraged by so many ladies I have never even met or spoken to. I love how women are willing to share their struggles and triumphs, blessings and pain, with people they are completely unaware of. Its a whole new level of vulnerability!

Years ago, I was spending a lot of time asking God to show me what it meant to be a Godly Christian woman. I had a love hate relationship with the Proverbs 31 woman. When I was in elementary school, I went to a lady's bible study/get together with my mom, and several other ladies and their daughters. The lady who was hosting the event had made laminated bookmarks of Proverbs 31. I loved that bookmark, and still have it today, in my "kid" Bible. I read over it all the time, and was soooo excited that I had a guide, even better a list, for how to be the perfect woman! Growing up was now going to be so much easier! Ha! Early into  my teens, my loving relationship with this scripture verse began to sour somewhat, and it kind of devastated me. I mean, I loved it for so long, dreamed of how I was going to be just such a specimen of the perfect Godly Woman... was I "slacking" in my Christian faith now that I didn't just love the very wording of this scripture verse anymore? 

I am the oldest of five kids, and I love being the oldest sibling in a large family. It has not always been a bed of roses, and I think any oldest child will agree, we really do have it the hardest out of all of the siblings:), but I wouldn't change it for anything. Two of  my siblings were  born when I was 11 and 13 years old - I got to have real life baby dolls to play with. Let's be honest, at this age all girls still want to play "babies" deep down inside, but are scared such child's play will cause them to fall under ridicule. While I got to "play" dolls under disguise, I also got to practice being (to a very small extent) a mom. My parents (mom especially) were very careful that I didn't have too much responsibility placed on my shoulders as the oldest child. They didn't want me to resent my large family, and wanted me to be able to enjoy the innocence of childhood as long as possible. I think they did a fabulous job - I adore kids, want several of my own, and harbor no sibling resentment!:) However, as the oldest and the only girl for 13 years, I did have some responsibilities and experiences that not many other teenage girls get to have. I helped cook, clean, change diapers, and run errands once I received my long desire license (I am not sure who was more excited, me or my mom when i was finally able to drive solo!). Again, I got a very small glimpse at what life was like as a wife and a mom, and I knew I had no where near what it took to be the Proverbs 31 woman. 

I have alway sort of maintained the attitude that if I couldn't do it perfectly, I wouldn't even attmept it. Unforunately, this has greatly limited some of my life experiences. But, I decided not to throw entire idea of the Proverbs 31 woman out the door, which was huge for me! I decided to focus on one thing that I knew I had in my control: "she does her husband good all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12 By this point, I wasn't even entirely sure I really wanted to be married (that is about 10 other posts for another date and time, that may never be written!), but none the less, I knew this was something I could strive for, pretty competently. So I guarded my heart in Jesus,  sought my identity in Him, as much as a teenage girl could, and asked God to help me hold to this desire, whether or not I "had" to get married.

Fast forward to my 20's. I had done a pretty good job keeping my heart pure and intact, but I was suffering an identity crisis of sorts. Christendom so exalts and esteems the role of a wife and mother, that I didn't know where I fit as a single Christian woman. I felt like I was a cast off/second rate/didn't measure up Christian female.  Let me state here, that I have always believed that the role of a wife and a mother is one of the most high, noble, and difficult callings placed on a woman's life. But I also believe it is not the only calling for a Christian woman. I needed God to show me, prove to me, that I was just as valuable as all my friends around me, who were getting married and having babies. Through many tears, pain, heartache, and lots of time spent alone with God at Crockett Park (still one of my favorite places on earth!) I finally found that affirmation from Him that I needed. God kindly showed me three very specific things I could do, that He required of all Christian women, regardless of their marital status: be open, inviting, and vulnerable. He was very gracious in speaking to me in my "love language" - lists!:)  But seriously, open, inviting, and vulnerable!?!?! Great, those were like the three things I was the least good at exuding - fan-freaking-tabulous! I couldn't really complain though, as I had spent a lot of time asking and searching for the answer to my identity crisis. I got what I asked for... I had just forgotten to ask only for answers I liked and was good at executing. ( Little did I know then,  I was getting ready to be thrust onto a relational treadmill that would rapidly take me from happily independent single to happily married wife. ) So I took a very deep breath and prayed for the wisdom on how to physically manifest these attributes in my life. And something special happened: 
"Then the time came when the risk 
it took to remain tight as a bud 
was more painful then 
the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
It has been a long, and sometimes painful journey, but a beautiful one none the less. And I know it will be a life long journey. As soon as I feel that I have "got it," He brings me to another precipice and asks me to again take that leap of faith, with Him. Crazy as it seems to my pea size brain, I know this blog is yet another thing He is using to help me discover and experience a life more abundant. I wrote this down one night after a bible study "The longings and desires of your heart will be met by your pursuit of Him, not by the pursuit your desires."

"It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness - being will to risk your all." My Utmost for His Highest

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus." Captivating

"The place that God calls us is the place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet." Fredrick Breuchner


  1. Phew, I am so grateful that you started this blog. Reading your post reminds me of so many of my own thoughts and fears and desires and loves. I, too, am the oldest of five children, and I loved it. I love "The 5 Love Languages" - amazing book. Incredible information. I was raised a Christian (ELCA Lutheran) and I believe in God and Christ... but sometimes I forget to believe and trust when I feel so lost on this journey. Your blog inspires me. Thank you!

  2. I am loving your blog - keep it up, girl! You are reaching MANY people already, and this is just the beginning! Love you!