Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A Further Delay.... Accepting with Joy

As I have overstated too many numerous times, I am still not completely comfortable with my place in the "blogsphere." Being open about general life is a struggle for me, let alone something as personal as the desire for a baby, and as intimate as the journey to making that baby. On top of this, I don't think I have fully been able to let go of the dream of surprising our friends and family with the secret of a growing life inside me. I really struggle with how many details I share with people about where we are in the fertility journey. Some people have no problem proudly stating their hormone levels, their cycle day, medicine regiment, etc... I.can'! A lot this probably has something to do with my hatred of failure.  I stupidly attempt to be perfect in everything (but I realize I fall short in the majority of things attempted.) I know how disappointed we are every.single.time we see that dreaded single line (I can not bring myself to buy the digital pregnancy tests, because the negative tests read "not pregnant." How cruel is that!??!) There is a part of me that doesn't want others to have to share that disappointment too.

We recently failed our first round of true fertility drugs - not hormones, just meds. I wasn't surprised... I knew I wasn't pregnant. After having tracked every nuance of my cycle for 18+ months, I know my body. I knew when I was going to start 7 days before it happened, but I was off by 2 hours - still honing my skills. So it wasn't devastating, but very disappointing. I kept begging God for a miracle, for a surprise. I think it was one of the first times I ever asked God to prove me dead wrong.:) I held onto a sliver of hope, just in case it it was our month for a miracle, while my gut wrestled to find peace without a positive test. To complicate things even more, my husband was going to be out of town the last week of my cycle - the perfect time to test. My progesterone looked great the week before, but I have had some serious issues with maintaining a healthy progesterone level in the past, so one good blood level did not ease my concern. I didn't want to find out I was pregnant without my husband, especially in case something happened while he was out of town. The mere thought nearly suffocated me. Since my progesterone levels were fine, my doctor was fine with me waiting until Jared got back in town to test. As I was going to bed one night, something was gnawing at me... something wasn't right, I wasn't at peace. I was restless. At first, I just thought it was horrible largeness of our king size bed - it felt too empty without my husband. But I quickly realized that was not it. I started praying. Slowly I realized that while many of my thoughts, fears, and concerns that had gone into the plan we concocted about when to test for pregnancy, were valid, fear was an overwhelming ingredient. I detest fear. I wish I could say it was only for highly spiritual reasons, such as "where God exists there is no fear", but being perfectly honest, it probably has more to do with being a possible sign of weakness. Ouch. Gag. Just typing that horrible, prideful, blackness is painful and nauseating. But on the other side of things, I really haven't dealt with fear much in my life. I know satan despises this about me and would love nothing more then to get a foothold in my heart and spirit with his claws of fear. So I prayed. After a while I felt the need to "raise my ebenezer" (see lyrics to Come Thou Fount). I told Jesus, I would take a test the next morning. It really wasn't a bold statement or commitment since my husband was coming home the next evening, but it was a big step for me. Everything inside my heart when quiet, and I fell into a peaceful slumber. Got up the next morning, and took a test. My heart didn't raise, and thump out of my chest, or hands shake so much they nearly drop the test into the toilet, which is what usually happens every other time I have taken a pregnancy test. It was clearly negative. Of  course I rechecked it like 30 times in the next 20 minutes... but it was clearly negative. And I was ok... 90% of me had known it would be negative. 30 minutes after the test, however, I got a figurative slap in the face - I entered into cycle day 1.  In a split second, I went from being in my first cycle on fertility drugs, to a new cycle, and having start all over again.  God and I had several "Are you serious, God, could I not have caught a break this one time. I had gotten to a right and healthy place in my heart, where I was willing to step out of my comfort zone and take a test without my husband. I was going to do it. Could I have not had started my period before I had to take that test. Did I really need to add one more negative test to my resume?" In all honesty, I never got a response... at least not a specific response. But the answers, I know I carry in my heart, from years of previous trials and heartbreaks. I know He was sad for me, even though He allowed this sadness to descend upon me yet again. And after a while (sometimes a long while) I always find comfort in that. 

The next few days were going to be crazy busy and socially packed. Exactly what I did not want to be doing. PJ's, sappy movies, a box of tissues, and good book sounded much more like the perfect weekend to me. However, of course, the already laid out plans were just what I needed to help me get through. 

So we are onto another phase in the journey. Same protocol this month, since all my previous tests and imaging looked good. We will see what happens...

Now thou shalt see what I will do.
Exodus 6:1

"The further delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God; that the Son of God might be glorified....

My Lord, if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you....

When you bear the seed of Impatience in your heart instead of the flower of Acceptance-with -Joy, you will always find that your enemies will over take you...

He has brought me here when I did not want to come for His own purpose. I, too will look up into His face and say "Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden, Acceptance-with-Joy!"
Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard


  1. Oh Amy - I'm sorry you didn't get that miracle BFP you were looking for last cycle. :( I'm proud of you for testing without your husband home - that's a hard thing to get the guts to do!

    I hear ya on how hard it is to let go of that dream to surprising friends and family. It took me a long time to let go of that, and at this point, I decided it was better to have their support... and I'll still get to see their faces when we finally tell them it worked.

    Hang in there... this is a rough journey, but with faith like yours, you WILL make it through.


  2. I'm so sorry Amy. But on a positive note, I'm glad that you seemed to respond well to the medications, so hopefully it's just a matter of time.

    You show a lot of positivity and courage..which very inspiring.

  3. I can honestly say...I have been right here "with you" soooo many times and I know it just sucks and nothing really helps. Just know I'm here, cheering for your successes, and partnering in your heart aches.