Sometimes just saying "I'm Sorry" really is enough...

I remember several years ago when my Grandfather passed away, all the well meaning, but down right stupid things people said in attempt to bring comfort. While it was such a blessing to see the city's out pouring of love and respect for the man (I swear he had hired 75% of the city's teachers) I remember thinking "Just say 'I am so sorry' followed by a few things you loved about the guy and move on! Quit trying to make it 'ok' with your words, because you can't." Maybe I can be a little caustic in my thoughts when I am emotional.

I am reminded of these same sentiments as we walk down the path of infertility. If you ever want to render someone speechless, only to have them follow up their speechless moment with several well meaning remarks that so miss the mark (often doing more harm then good) - just tell them you are dealing with infertility. As a nurse, I feel pretty well trained/learned in what to say in difficult situations. I have been around the death bed of kids, from babies to adolescents, since I was 20 years old, attempting to provide care and comfort to the patients and their families. However, now that I am on this journey, I can think back on multiple conversations I have had with friends who were struggling to conceive their own child, and it makes me want to go back and just say "I am so sorry." So sorry they are having to go through this, and so sorry I opened my big fat, unknowing mouth. What I now know is, infertility leaves you utterly helpless - you have very little control over your situation. You do have control on making sure you are maintaining as healthy a lifestyle (spiritually and physically) as possible, and seeking medical help... but after that, you really just have to sit back and get swept along on what I call the "infertility treadmill."

If you come across someone who is dealing with infertility, chances are they have already done their own research, and are well versed in things that are in their control - things they can do to support the optimum environment for conception. They know stress can have negative side effects on their situation, so saying "Maybe you just need to relax," generally just stresses the infertile out. Relax, really? Well, its kinda hard when you are having to track and detect even the lightest change in your hormone levels. Most likely, they are already daily tracking their basal temperature, utilizing saliva home tests, as well as urine tests to track the progression of their cycle. The lack of any positive signs, leaves them feeling like "great, I can't even spit or pee right." Every twinge in the abdomen makes them fight the hope that "maybe this time I am ovulating," or "could this be the conception cramping everyone else talks about?" Relaxation and infertility do not exist synergistically. "It just takes time," is another one of my favorites, especially from people who got pregnant while on the pill, or who get to experience the "my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant," phenomenon. Chances are, you probably don't know how much time has already elapsed for this infertile couple. And if you ever laugh (like I used to) when you hear someone tell an infertile lady (often in a whisper) "maybe if you prop your butt up on a pillow afterwards..." hold the laughter - we (infertile couples) have done it... and maybe even still do it. Side note: if you have tilted uterus, research does show that gravity might be of some benefit. Consider that you helpful healthy hint of the day!:) Maybe statements of "faithful knowing" are helpful for some, but being told "I know you are going to get pregnant!" is not helpful for me. And that might be my medical mind getting in the way of my faith. If doctors can't guarantee we will conceive, the general public saying it doesn't bring any comfort at all. And I am not proud/happy to admit this. However, I am fairly confident we will be parents someday, so if you want to stake your claim of faith on that - go for it!:) 2nd side note: In case you haven't picked up on it already - I can be a tad schizophrenic when it comes to my logic... also known in our family as pretzel logic.:) God isn't done with me yet.

The journey down the path of infertility is different and individual for each couple. And if most couples are anything like myself and my husband, the challenges, struggles, hopes, and fears change daily (mainly for me). Add to this lovely scene, fluctuating hormones (whether natural or medically induced) changes ... well hormones rarely make anything easier. There is no exact recipe for how to communicate your infertility to others, or how to communicate and comfort someone you know who is dealing with infertility. One thing I think works every time, for every difficult situation, is a simple "I am so sorry." This allows the recipient the chance to accept your condolences, and guide the next part of the conversation. We all want to feel in control - right or wrong. It is at the base of our human nature. If you allow the person who is going through a difficult time (infertility, loss of job, loss of relationship or loved one, etc..) to feel like they maintain some control in the conversation, you will "get" more out of them, while providing the most comfort at the same time. Let them guide the conversation where they want it to go. I know there are many times I can talk about many aspects of my infertility for extended periods of time, without any difficulty. Other times, merely the sight of a pregnant lady, or baby can send me on an emotional tailspin. I really feel bad for people who have to walk along side infertile couples - there is no way to know what type of day they happen to be having, often until the wrong thing is said, or done. Most of time we are able to be mature enough to realize to pain was not intentionally caused. Please be very prayerful for your infertile friends when the weight of the burden they carry is about to overcome them momentarily, leaving them very helpless, and a bit irrational.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Psalm 73:21-22
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

A Baby Changes Everything... even just the desire for a baby

I never read just one book at a time. I usually have about 3-5 going at once (which is why I feel my need for a Kindle is real! If only my bank account understood.. ha ha) I love a good read - not just fluff and feel good stuff, but the meaty substance of good literature. I like stories that make me think, and don't always have fairy tale endings. I like real life stuff - reality, not fantasy. Don't get me wrong, Louisa May Alcott is one of my favorite authors, so I can enjoy a good feel good story... do not ask me how many times I have read the Little Women (or Little House on the Prairie. I know, different authors. My blog, my way of telling the story. Sheesh) series... I quit counting once the count reached the 20's. Don't judge. And before the inevitable question gets asked - no I haven't read the Twilight series. That answer could be its own post. Simple answer - Vampires=fantasy -> Fantasy and Vampires=not interesting to me. Now I am definitely off subject - time to focus!
Here is what my reading list looks like lately. I never dreamed my night stand would have to take on this appearance.

Plan B, Pete Wilson
Graceful Waiting, Jan Frank
The Infertility Companion, Glahn and Cutrer
Hannah's Heart, Jennifer Saake
Taking Charge of Your Fertility, Toni Weschler

Knowledge is power, right? Well, like it or not, infertility renders you really powerless.However, I do strongly believe in my husband and I being knowledgable about our medical options. Being a medical person, I understand all too well the misuse of power the medical community can implement on the naive and trusting general public. For me, there are a lot of ethical and spiritual considerations to make in the fertility arena. Let me state here and now that our convictions are ours, not yours. I hope I never put the weight of my own personal convictions, in this area or others, on the shoulders of another already burdened and weary infertile couple. My best advice - research, read, and educate yourself with both spiritual and secular books, articles, and journals. Unless you have a medical back ground I do advice against much internet researching - there is a whole heck of a lot of bull out there! And message boards... well maybe I just alway hit the schizo ones, but I have never found them to useful for learning anything beneficial about my infertility. But sometimes, it is nice just to know you are not alone - others (even the schizos) understand what you are going through.

I highly recommend all these books! I have not completed them all yet, and have only skimmed one or two of them - they still get my vote.:)
- Plan B is amazing, and has nothing to do with infertility. Wilson helps guide the reader through "what do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought He would." I think we could all benefit from a little reminder in that area.
- A Graceful Waiting is a small book (almost a devotional) that has more to do with personal growth, then infertility (its just one of the subjects referenced). The basis is "when there is nothing more that you can do, God's deepest work has just begun." As an oldest child (aka fixer-planner), Type A individual, wife, and female - I need lots of good lectures on this subject.
- Hannah's Hope is strictly an infertility book. While it made the story of Hannah come alive to me, I have a different emotional make up then that of the author. At times I had a hard time relating, and even applying elements of the book to my life. I do still recommend it, as the scriptural references (referred to as Heart Treasures) are probably the best I have come across (in relation to infertility). Another aspect of the book I really liked, was at the end of every chapter is a For Further Thought section. Wraps up the chapter, and challenges you to seek whether or not you seeking His throne throughout your journey. I will probably go back and reread these sections and the scriptural references... several times. Each chapter ends with a Burden Bearers section - for people who are walking along side an infertile couple. Since I am very different from the author, some of the recommendations seemed a little extreme to me, but they might be exactly what someone else needs.
- The last two books, are two that EVERY infertile couple should have, Infertility Companion and Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Both are medically based, but have lots of natural alternatives. One is christian based and the other isn't, but I have found both to be a treasure chest of knowledge.

I look forward to getting through the majority of these, so I can get back to reading material on different subjects.
- Next "pleasure read": Same kind of different as me
- Next "spiritual read" Jesus Calling
... and since that is only two... probably one or two more!:) Feel free to recommend away!

If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
Do you not know your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? YOu are not your own; you were bought at a price; therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19

Everyone has a "Hannah's Heart" at some point

I watched a TV show where a teacher asked his class to take part in an Ernest Hemmingway "project" - chose one word that describes what you want most in life. Personalizing visual media like I always do (not sure that is such a healthy quality) I partook. Contentment. Wait, what!?! Yeah, I know, you may think I started this blog because I want a baby, and don't get me wrong, I do! But I was so excited this was the FIRST word that came to mind! Its an answer to prayer, and it may seem small to some of you, but for me, its huge! As I have stated before, I never want my unmet (as of yet) desire to be a mommy to keep me from sharing in the joys of life with myself, my husband, and those around me. To me, this would be far more tragic then never holding my own child in my arms (depending on what mood, part of my cycle, day, or even minute you catch me). I have kinda quit asking God for a baby... we talk about it daily to be sure, but it more has to do with my thoughts and feelings towards the whole subject. I know He knows I want a baby. I know He can make it happen. I also know, He has something to teach me in this journey. I don't want to focus so much on the "earthly object" that I loose sight of the eternal purpose. There is a "stinky" side to this, too - I figure "well, if I have to be here against my will, might as well get as much out of it as I darn well can." Not the cleanest motive of the heart, I know, but it is sincere and honest, and I think God can do a lot with it, if I let Him. What I do ask Him for, beseech Him really, is for abiding peace and contentment. I am so thankful my Heavenly Father is helping me "get there."

The bible describes Hannah as a "heart that pounded with a mother's love long before she was blessed with a child... through years of waiting and longing, her gentle heart was nearly crushed under the weight of grief (Hannah's Heart, by J. Saake). We all have that something we long for more than anything. Something only the fulfillment of that desire can fill. Single people want to be married, married couples long for a child, career individuals seek a job change, we want to live somewhere else - different house, town; we want more friends, or any friends at all; long for the healing of a medical diagnosis, we are body and image conscience (I left adolescents year ago, why haven't I left the acne behind?!). We can become so inwardly focused that our desires seem so much more important/significant then everyone else's. Everyone's painful desire is significant to them - as much, maybe even more so then ours.

In addition to being content, I want to be thankful and joyful for the many blessings God has already granted me. Two things I am most thankful for, and often feel unworthy of - my salvation and my husband. Two things not everyone has, but many long for and seek after. I want to become "outwardly" focused, so that I can see the needs and aching desires of others. While I desire a baby, I know there are many girls who long for a husband, someone to walk along side them through life. I may cry just as much as they do at night, but at least I have a husband in bed next to me, holding me and comforting me. The single ladies cry alone. I would rather cry with my partner's arms around me, then cry alone.

I am indeed blessed.

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not grow weary; and they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Restore to me the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12

Kairos - a right and opportune moment... when something special happens

I know this is a right and opportune moment, it is yet to be seen as to whether or not something special happens. For some back ground on who I am and why I am blogging, visit the "About" tab on the top left hand side of the screen. Regardless as to whether anything "special" is accomplished by this blog, I am excited and terrified about starting out on this journey. Being open and vulnerable has never been a strong point of mine. However, over the past few years, I really feel like God has been showing me, in a variety of ways, how to be open, inviting, and vulnerable. No matter where you are in life, or what your surroundings, I feel that these three attributes embody christian femininity. I love Elizabeth Elliot's statement "The fact that I am a woman does not mean I have to be a different type of christian, but the fact that I am a christian dose require that I be a different type of woman." I am on a journey to be that "different type of woman."

I married my best friend in the spring of 2008. Since then we have been beyond blessed with amazing marriage. Now that we are nearing the end of our first three years of wedded bliss, people ask two things:
1. So how is marriage now that thee honeymoon phase if over?
2. Do you have kids/isn't it about time you two start having babies!?!

The answer to question 1 is this: our marriage (by the grace of God) is by far healthier, stronger, deeper, and more mature then during the days of our honeymoon in Jamaica (incredible as that experience was!) We have definitely has some major bumps in the road, thanks to some totally unforeseen "women's health issues" early in our marriage. While I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, I can say that in the end, we came out stronger and more unified as husband and wife. It gave me a solid foundation to stand on regarding my husband's unconditional love for me, and for "us" as a team.

The answer to question 2 is: No, we don't have kids, but trust us, we are beyond ready to be holding our own babies in our arms. (Ok, so the words to that last part are definitely my own sentiments! While my husband is very ready to start our family and be a dad, I am fairly certain the words "hold our own babies in our arms" would never come out of his mouth!) We have been trying to conceive (and trying, and trying, and trying) for over a year. As soon as you say, "Nope, no kids yet." the inevitable next question is "Well, don't you think it is about time to get started on that!?" There is no easy way to completely and truthfully answer that question without making the "asker" feel nothing short of uncomfortable. I never knew how uncomfortable/unprepared the general public is to talk about infertility. Going through this has opened my eyes to so many different aspects of "life conversations," many completely unrelated to fertility. I think that topic is/will be a post all of its own.

As I state in the "About me" section, part of the reason for starting this blog is to allow our support system the opportunity to know where we are in this journey when they want to know. Our friends and family can read this in a time a space that is right, convenient, and comfortable for them. I also do a much better job communicating my thoughts and emotions in written forms of communications as opposed to verbally. (If you think I ramble here, you should hear me attempt to speak about these aspects of my life - seriously!) I also hope that anything I learn from this experience, whether through my Heavenly Father, my own research and physicians, books read, etc.. will help to bless and encourage anyone who might stumble across my ramblings.

One thing I want to make very clear - I can still rejoice with those who are blessed with the gift of conceiving their own children. This is also my first prayer request. I never want the fact that my own desires are unfilled in this area, to keep me from celebrating in the gifts God gives to others, in the form of children. This, to me, would be the ultimate tragedy - allowing my joy and thanksgiving to be robbed because I am simply not getting what I think we deserve, therefore not being able to partake in the joys of others. I can think of few things more selfish, sad, and immature. My prayer is that I can still enjoy and celebrate the gift of new life, through entering into the joy of others around me, who are blessed with one of my deepest desires - to be a mommy.

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9