I watched a TV show where a teacher asked his class to take part in an Ernest Hemmingway "project" - chose one word that describes what you want most in life. Personalizing visual media like I always do (not sure that is such a healthy quality) I partook. Contentment. Wait, what!?! Yeah, I know, you may think I started this blog because I want a baby, and don't get me wrong, I do! But I was so excited this was the FIRST word that came to mind! Its an answer to prayer, and it may seem small to some of you, but for me, its huge! As I have stated before, I never want my unmet (as of yet) desire to be a mommy to keep me from sharing in the joys of life with myself, my husband, and those around me. To me, this would be far more tragic then never holding my own child in my arms (depending on what mood, part of my cycle, day, or even minute you catch me). I have kinda quit asking God for a baby... we talk about it daily to be sure, but it more has to do with my thoughts and feelings towards the whole subject. I know He knows I want a baby. I know He can make it happen. I also know, He has something to teach me in this journey. I don't want to focus so much on the "earthly object" that I loose sight of the eternal purpose. There is a "stinky" side to this, too - I figure "well, if I have to be here against my will, might as well get as much out of it as I darn well can." Not the cleanest motive of the heart, I know, but it is sincere and honest, and I think God can do a lot with it, if I let Him. What I do ask Him for, beseech Him really, is for abiding peace and contentment. I am so thankful my Heavenly Father is helping me "get there."
The bible describes Hannah as a "heart that pounded with a mother's love long before she was blessed with a child... through years of waiting and longing, her gentle heart was nearly crushed under the weight of grief (Hannah's Heart, by J. Saake). We all have that something we long for more than anything. Something only the fulfillment of that desire can fill. Single people want to be married, married couples long for a child, career individuals seek a job change, we want to live somewhere else - different house, town; we want more friends, or any friends at all; long for the healing of a medical diagnosis, we are body and image conscience (I left adolescents year ago, why haven't I left the acne behind?!). We can become so inwardly focused that our desires seem so much more important/significant then everyone else's. Everyone's painful desire is significant to them - as much, maybe even more so then ours.
In addition to being content, I want to be thankful and joyful for the many blessings God has already granted me. Two things I am most thankful for, and often feel unworthy of - my salvation and my husband. Two things not everyone has, but many long for and seek after. I want to become "outwardly" focused, so that I can see the needs and aching desires of others. While I desire a baby, I know there are many girls who long for a husband, someone to walk along side them through life. I may cry just as much as they do at night, but at least I have a husband in bed next to me, holding me and comforting me. The single ladies cry alone. I would rather cry with my partner's arms around me, then cry alone.
I am indeed blessed.
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not grow weary; and they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Restore to me the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12
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