Boo Hiss and Poo on a Stick Vulnerability!

Some of my readers love my "Boo hiss and poo on a stick" saying that I frequently use, so I thought I would entertain them a bit and use... and it really describes some of my emotions at the moment.

I shouldn't be surprised, but it has been a little shocking. I have been contemplating starting this blog for a while, but have hesitated as I just didn't feel like I was in the right frame of mind to do it. I finally get to a "good place" where I feel like I can share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc... start the blog... and proceed into a mental and emotional tailspin. I got really frustrated, and maybe a little ticked at God. As I tossed and turned in bed last night (which means I had been in bed for more then 45 seconds without crashing into near death like sleep) I remembered other times in my life, when I took a step out in faith... the bottom always seemed to fall out. Why? I am not one who likes to "over spiritualize" events in life, however, I do believe that Satan does not like the body of Christ being vulnerable with and supporting each other, and he will do whatever he can to keep up stuck - each in our little self pitying rut.

The first time my infertility really slapped me hard in the face was after hearing of yet another friend finding out they were expecting a baby. It was completely unexpected, and I was on my way to social event where I would have to be socially engaged for the next several hours. All I wanted to do was go to bed and let myself cry - really cry for the first time. In case you didn't know I never feel that way - crying is not a favorite or frequent activity of mine. Unable to do so, I mentally went to my "go to songs." Songs that help me get my focus off myself, my circumstance, and point me heavenward. Songs that help me feel the arms of my Heavenly Father enclosing around me. For whatever reason two songs that have accompanied me since childhood are "Seek Ye First" (our parents and grandparents walked into this song at our wedding) and the old hymn "Count Your Blessings (name them one by one)." Around the time of our wedding, I had to walk through another painful experience. While these songs helped comfort me some, they didn't quite seem to express the depth of what I was feeling. But I found a new song, and immediately added it to "my list" after first time I heard it.

Be Still
Storyside:B

I remember all the times
the good times and the bad
(some good and some are bad)
I'm still holding on to you
some days I wanna run
and times I come undone
but I still belong to you
thats how I know that

when I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
nothing seems at all to add up
can you hear me Lord?
my face is down upon the floor
its then you whisper in my ear
be still and know I'm here

I see a side of you my friend
the same struggles that I have
my heart goes out to you
I know its hard to feel alone
and this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
but I can tell you

when I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
nothing seems at all to add up
can you hear me Lord?
my face is down upon the floor
its then you whisper in my ear
be still and know I'm here

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

its not just you
and not just me
we all need to believe that
we are not alone

when I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
nothing seems at all to add up
i know you hear me Lord!
my face is down upon the floor
its then you whisper in my ear
be still and know I'm here

These "Be Still" lyrics have carried me many times. But on that day, they weren't getting the job done either. As my husband and I drove to the event, he turned on the radio just as this song was beginning to play.

No Matter What
Kerri Roberts

I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope
And You will be my strength

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You

No matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope
And You will be my strength

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You

No matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what

Coincidence? I don't think so. I am rarely at a loss for words, but in that moment in time I was. I could not form words to communicate the depth of the pain I was feeling. I don't think I could really even comprehend it yet. Those lyrics put the exact words to what was buried deep in my heart, underneath the pain. I played back the lyrics I could remember over and over in my head the rest of the day. It wasn't a great day, and I was exhausted by the end of the event, completely mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. But I was no longer despairing. I knew this time in my life was allowed, maybe even chosen, for me specifically by my Heavenly Father, and He felt all my pain too. And no matter what, I still loved Him!