Sunday, January 9, 2011

Kairos - a right and opportune moment... when something special happens

I know this is a right and opportune moment, it is yet to be seen as to whether or not something special happens. For some back ground on who I am and why I am blogging, visit the "About" tab on the top left hand side of the screen. Regardless as to whether anything "special" is accomplished by this blog, I am excited and terrified about starting out on this journey. Being open and vulnerable has never been a strong point of mine. However, over the past few years, I really feel like God has been showing me, in a variety of ways, how to be open, inviting, and vulnerable. No matter where you are in life, or what your surroundings, I feel that these three attributes embody christian femininity. I love Elizabeth Elliot's statement "The fact that I am a woman does not mean I have to be a different type of christian, but the fact that I am a christian dose require that I be a different type of woman." I am on a journey to be that "different type of woman."

I married my best friend in the spring of 2008. Since then we have been beyond blessed with amazing marriage. Now that we are nearing the end of our first three years of wedded bliss, people ask two things:
1. So how is marriage now that thee honeymoon phase if over?
2. Do you have kids/isn't it about time you two start having babies!?!

The answer to question 1 is this: our marriage (by the grace of God) is by far healthier, stronger, deeper, and more mature then during the days of our honeymoon in Jamaica (incredible as that experience was!) We have definitely has some major bumps in the road, thanks to some totally unforeseen "women's health issues" early in our marriage. While I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, I can say that in the end, we came out stronger and more unified as husband and wife. It gave me a solid foundation to stand on regarding my husband's unconditional love for me, and for "us" as a team.

The answer to question 2 is: No, we don't have kids, but trust us, we are beyond ready to be holding our own babies in our arms. (Ok, so the words to that last part are definitely my own sentiments! While my husband is very ready to start our family and be a dad, I am fairly certain the words "hold our own babies in our arms" would never come out of his mouth!) We have been trying to conceive (and trying, and trying, and trying) for over a year. As soon as you say, "Nope, no kids yet." the inevitable next question is "Well, don't you think it is about time to get started on that!?" There is no easy way to completely and truthfully answer that question without making the "asker" feel nothing short of uncomfortable. I never knew how uncomfortable/unprepared the general public is to talk about infertility. Going through this has opened my eyes to so many different aspects of "life conversations," many completely unrelated to fertility. I think that topic is/will be a post all of its own.

As I state in the "About me" section, part of the reason for starting this blog is to allow our support system the opportunity to know where we are in this journey when they want to know. Our friends and family can read this in a time a space that is right, convenient, and comfortable for them. I also do a much better job communicating my thoughts and emotions in written forms of communications as opposed to verbally. (If you think I ramble here, you should hear me attempt to speak about these aspects of my life - seriously!) I also hope that anything I learn from this experience, whether through my Heavenly Father, my own research and physicians, books read, etc.. will help to bless and encourage anyone who might stumble across my ramblings.

One thing I want to make very clear - I can still rejoice with those who are blessed with the gift of conceiving their own children. This is also my first prayer request. I never want the fact that my own desires are unfilled in this area, to keep me from celebrating in the gifts God gives to others, in the form of children. This, to me, would be the ultimate tragedy - allowing my joy and thanksgiving to be robbed because I am simply not getting what I think we deserve, therefore not being able to partake in the joys of others. I can think of few things more selfish, sad, and immature. My prayer is that I can still enjoy and celebrate the gift of new life, through entering into the joy of others around me, who are blessed with one of my deepest desires - to be a mommy.

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9


  1. I'm so glad you are sharing this journey...and at the same time carving out a safe place to say whatever you want to say. It can be frustrating, disappointing, isolating, you can feel forgotten...but the truth (and good thing) is, God is not surprised by any of it! And I know there are plenty of women, myself included, that will be here for you through all of the ups and downs.

    Thank you for allowing me to walk this road with you. I can't wait to see what He does with your story!

  2. Amy! I love you and Jared and want you both to know that I am thinking and praying for you daily! I have added you to my daily agenda along with Melissa's and Nicole's blogs! These make me feel like I am still with you all! Love you guys and keep me posted!

  3. I look forward to following your journey! This blogging world has changed my life and held my hand throughout this IF journey - I hope it does the same for you.