Alive and Kicking!

Hello Friends!

We have been on the goGoGO lately, especially on the weekends! Weekends are usually the time I plan out/put together my posts of the week, along with all the housework, errands, and bill paying I have neglected throughout the week. As much as I love the life documenting that comes through blogging... it definitely takes a back seat when life gets busy.

Two weeks ago, I traveled back home for a quick 24 hour trip, for a former co-workers wedding. Jared had already missed the first two games of Football season due to weddings in Nashville, and since UT was playing LSU the weekend of my friend's wedding, I figured this trip would NOT be high on his list of fun things he wanted to do. So one of my brothers and I swapped places - Daniel drove up Friday night and used my ticket to the game, while I drove down to Springhill and used his bedroom for the night.:) It was a beautiful day to travel, but traffic was horrendous!!!

Oh, and quick story about the trip down, before I continue about what we have been up to lately. Jared and I realized we were going to be passing each other on the interstate on his way home, and my way out of town. We hadn't seen a whole lot of each other that week already, so we decided to make a quick stop off and exit for a quick hug Hello, and Kiss Good-bye. Aw, I know - aren't we just tooo cute!  Jared picked Crab Orchard as the perfect meeting spot. Of course, I had no idea where this was (I have only traveled this stretch of I40 my entire life... however I have the inability to know the names of any exits, anywhere!) He told me it was right by the limestone mines off the interstate. Give me land marks, and I am golden!

Me: Oh yeah, I know exactly where that is! Where to do you want to meet? Preferably somewhere with a bathroom.
Jared: Uh, I really don't think you are going to want to use the restroom off of this exit, but let's meet at the BP.
Me: Preggo's can't be chooser's when it comes to restroom facilities... I'll be fine. See you in a few minutes.

I was kind of excited to see this exit. I love seeing new places, even if they are "boring." The gaping mines always played with my imagination as a kid when we would drive by on our way to East Tn to visit family, but we never stopped anywhere near them. Now I know why.

I pulled off the interstate, and headed towards the BP, and was greeted by a quaint sign "Welcome to Crab Orchard." The air was really "grainy" from the limeston mines. As I pulled into the BP, I quickly realized why my husband had discouraged me from using the restroom facilities off this exit. Evidently, this BP was the community "meetin' spot", and people were milling around hanging out carrying on small talk. All eyes turned towards me as I pulled in, somehow quickly realizing I wasn't from those parts. Luckily, Jared had already arrived. The two cars next to us I am pretty darn sure were taking part in child custody swap, and a drug deal. There was a four wheeler next to the front door being loaded up with firewood and two cases of budlight. As I got out of my car, I am pretty sure I heard the banjo's from Deliverance strike up their twangy tune.

Me: Where on earth have you brought me?
Jared: Ha ha, welcome to the Cumberland Platue baby!

We made small talk by our cars for a few minutes, but everyone just kept staring, and I was getting really self conscience/uncomfortable. I decided I needed a snack for the road, so I headed off towards the store while Jared took a business call. As I walked aross the parking lot, a car came bumping into the lot full of bags of garbage. The man and woman inside the car get out, and proceeded to place no less then 5 bags of trash into the trash cans by the gas pumps. um... ok... Another car pulled up, and a young women in holey pajama's and barefeet, got out with her barefoot son. She was no less then 8 months pregnant, and puffing away at a cigarette. The mother and child walked into the store... barefoot.

Once I made my way inside, I quickly realized, if this place did infact have an indoor bathroom, I would not be using it. I grabbed a small bag of Reese's Pieces and a granola bar, and made my way to the cashier... where I saw the barefoot pregnat woman buying more cigarettes!!! I usually have a pretty darn good poker face, however pregnancy has not done great things to my "Justice Complex." I am pretty sure I stared both "Barefoot" and the cashier down during the entire transaction, and there was no denying the thoughts flying through my head. I don't think either of them noticed, or just thought I was the plumb crazy one, being a stranger to "these here parts and all."

As I left the store, another fourwheeler pulls up and the driver is greeted by some of the fellow patrons. Evdiently, he too was, "just picking up some beer and firewood for the weekend, " too. Must be the Crab Orchard thing to do.

When I got back to Jared, the child swap-drug deal combo was still on going.

Me: forget Tennessee, are we still even in America?
Jared: Yeah, these are different parts alright. Last month, they found a naked woman murdered and raped in that plot of land right behind this BP.
Me: and this was the spot you chose to meet your wife and unborn child!?!?!?

The rest of  my drive, while full of horrendous traffic, was much less entertaining. I

It was a fast and furious trip, but I got some serious visiting time in! I stopped by Trevecca's Campus to see

my dad's new office, get a tour of the athletic department, and see a side of campus my very non-tour-guidie brother, Matthew (who played and now coaches basketball at TNU) never showed me. It was the first time I had been back on campus since my brother's graduation, and since my dad became the Athletic Director. It was great seeing what an amazing fit my dad and the job are for each other. He proudly introduced everyone to his oldest daughter, Amy, and his future grandaugher Elliott Faith!:)  We even got to sit in his office, just the two of us, and catch up with each other. All you "oldest kids" out there understand what a rare blessing this is - we rarely get that alone time with our parents.

After my visit with my dad, I proceded south a little bit further, and stopped to see my Nanny and PopPop.

They are my Italian grandparents, and ya'll, they are 87 years old. My PopPop just recently stopped taking philosophy and theology courses at a local Catholic college. They are both avid golfers, and while PopPop doesn't play as much anymore, Nanny still plays 18 hols of golf numerous times a week. And she walks 2-4 miles on her treadmill 3-5 times a week. They are amazing! I can't wait to get some pictures of Ellie Faith with her great grandparents! We had a wonderful visit. There are only two of us cousins/grandkids that have moved away from middle TN, so I think Nan and Pop get especially excited when they get to spend some time with us. Again, coming from a big family, I don't alwys get to spend a lot of alone time with them, so it was a really sweet and cherrished time, just the 3 of us... and Ellie!:) I realize my days with them are limited, and I can hardly even think about that. In the mean time though, I want to make every visit and conversation count.

Finally, it was time to head towards my final destination - my parents home! They hadn't seen me since my brother's wedding back in September, so the "Ellie Belly" was very much fussed over, and photographed! My brother, Matthew, and his new wife, Jenny, were not able to come over due to my brother's coaching schedule, but I was able to visit with my two "baby siblings, Christopher and Mary Grace.

Both of who really need to stop growing! I also got to spend a little bit of alone time with my mom... again, a rarity for this oldest of 5 child. I caught my parents both looking at me differently several times during the visit. I can't imagine what it is like to see your own "baby girl" growing her own baby girl.

My friend's wedding the next day was simple, precious, and beautiful! The ceremony gave everyone present a lovely glimpse into the couple's heart and lives. It wa a beautiful Christ-centered ceremony. The weather could not have been better for the outdoor fall themed reception. It was great to see several of my former Vandy co-workers! We all had a great time catching up at the reception!

Then it was back on the road for me! I headed back to Knoxville after the reception, and made it home that evening... dead exhausted! I changed clothes and collapsed on our oversized beanbag until Jared and my brother Daniel got home from the UT-LSU game. I am pretty sure Jared's sister Brenna, and one of our college students, Whitney, came over for a rematch with Daniel and Jared in Spades... but the rest of the evening is really a blur, as I slept my way the night until Jared practically dragged me up to bed after midnight.

More to come later... lots more going on... and GROWING done! However this post is alreayd too long, and many of you are probably already asleep/bored out of your mind!:)

24 weeks!

Pregnancy Facts and Figures:


Size of baby: Elliott Faith is the size of a an ear of corn, is ~12" long, weighing in at just over a pound.

Total Weight Gain: ~10 lbs. My heart still speeds up a little every Monday morning when I step on the scale... then I remember I am "weighing for two.":)

Clothes: Still a combo of regular and maternity. I am wearing maternity more and more. I thought my maternity wardrobe was set... it definitely isn't ready for "dress up" events or cold weather.

Gender: It's a girl! Elliott Faith Ross. We will probably start out calling her either Ellie or Elle

Movement: She has settled down a little bit this week. Still moves a ton when I stop moving, or lay down. I think she went through another growth spurt, and might be a bit more cramped. :)

Sleep: Surprisingly, sleeping much better this week - way more comfortable!

Cravings: HONEY CRISP APPLES! Can NOT get enough of these yummy things!!!

Symptoms: Still recovering from being sick last week. Just really really tired all.the.time!

Highlight: Going to the Biltmore with my two babies - the one I married and the one growing inside me:) The last time we were there, I had just found out we were yet again not pregnant, and cried part of the trip up there. Its amazing what God can do in such a short period of time!

Lowlight: I am still very frustrated with not working out consistently - ugh! I did three work outs, and I am AMAZED how much muscle tone I have lost. Sad days!

Fun Fact: Heading back home for the night tonight for a friend's wedding. My family hasn't seen me since early September... a LOT has changed on the belly front since then!:)

23 weeks!

Pregnancy Facts and Figures:


Size of baby: Elliott Faith is the size of a mango, is ~12" long, weighing in at just over a pound.

Total Weight Gain: ~9 lbs. My heart still speeds up a little every Monday morning when I step on the scale... then I remember I am "weighing for two.":)


Clothes: Still a combo of regular and maternity. I am wearing maternity more and more. The Fit and Flare jeans are rapidly becoming a favorite article of clothing.


Gender: It's a girl! Elliott Faith Ross. We will probably start out calling her either Ellie or Elle

Movement: This week Ellie has decided Mommy should not, at any time, have more then 1/4 cup of urine in her bladder. She will kick, kick, KICK directly on my bladder... until I empty said bladder, and she immediately quiets down. Her kicks are becoming quite a bit stronger, and down right painful at times! She kicked so hard in church this week, I about jumped out of the pew! She also has started getting hiccups! My belly jumps like crazy when this happens. Tried to record it for my mom last night, but of course, as soon as I started, her hiccups went away.


Sleep: Ugh... I sleep like a log until 4-6 am, then I start tossing and turning, and can not get comfortable. I keep adding more and more pillows! :)  I am haivng some crazy early morning dreams! They wake me up around 5-6 o'clock, which leaves me just dozing until my alarm rudely makes me get up.

Cravings: Pretty quiet on the cravings front


Symptoms: Reflux and exhaustion. Pain from PT is better this week, but still there.


Highlight: Meeting my new medical OB-GYN physician and midwife team! As stressful as it was having to switch again for the third time this pregnancy, I am so thankful we did. God definitely lead us to the perfect practice for us!


Lowlight: not enough time in the day to get as much sleep, house cleaning, errand running, exercising, socializing, college ministry working, oh yeah... and working...as I need to get accomplished! Also, I have been sick the last two days. Being sick is no fun... being pregnant has its no-fun parts... being sick and pregnant adds a whole new dimension to both experiences. It is down right rough!

Fun Fact: We "took" Ellie to her first UT football game, and the VOLs won! Sitting in the bleacher for 4+ hours is definitely different pregnant, but wasn't too bad over all. Ellie loves music. Anytime she is aware of beat, she immediately starts going crazy inside me. However, she didn't move at all during any of the many renditions of Rock Top. She did however, greatly enjoy the Disney themed half-time show. I say its because she is like her mama, and just doesn't "get" the big deal about all things orange and/or Rocky Top. Her daddy says she just respects "the Rocky Top" so much she stills to listen intently. We shall see how is right...

Daddy waiting to feel a celebratory kick... that never came.

First time in Neyland Stadium

Belly Collage (taken today)

These are a Few of My Favorite (Pregnancy) Things

I have said it before - I must spread some sort of baby making dust. Everyone around us had baby (or two) while we were trying, got pregnant around the time we did, or recently discovered they were pregnant!! So many babies!!!

As a currently pregnant person and a nurse, I get asked a lot of questions about what I think about certain aspects of pregnancy, as well as what did and did not work for us, so far... Here are some of my top recommendations.

Food: (especially during those first 16 weeks) if it sounds good, eat it. If it doesn't, don't. If nothing sounds good, choose foods based on how you will feel with it coming back up. I mean spaghetti with meatballs and applesauce do not return in the same manner.:) Try to make whatever you do eat count. Not empty calories, processed foods, or foods high in processed sugar. Stick with fruits, whole grains, and simple proteins. Keep unhealthy snacks out of the house. This is especially important mid way through your 2nd trimester, until the finish line. You are hungry constantly. Unhealthy foods are usually faster, more convenient, a more appealing (especially late at night). Trust me, you will thank me for this the next time you step on the scale at your doctor's office and see that the scale has only gone up 4-6 lbs over the last month, as opposed to 10-15 lbs.

Medications and Vitamins: Follow your doctors recommendations - they really have you and your baby's best interest in mind.

I faithfully took my prenatals, omega 3 (not fish based), and cal-mag horse pills for the entire first trimester, even though they made incredibly ill. I took them at night, with yogurt, right before going to bed, in hopes that I would sleep through most of the nausea. As the pregnancy went on, even this did not work. So I divided up the vitamins over the day, making sure I took the prenatals once I was home for the evening. Eventually it got to the point that they all made me throw up immediately after taking any of them. Once I was fairly confident most the most important cell work foundation had been laid for Ellie, coupled with the fact that I had been taking these supplements for the 2 years prior to conceiving, I quit taking them. I figured it was better for me to be getting calories, which included many components of supplements, and not throwing them up. Again, this is when/why healthy eating is very important. Once my nausea and vomitting began to improve, I have slowly been adding the supplements back into my daily routine.

One of the very common, and often over looked, causes of nausea, especially early on in pregnancy, is constipation. All the progesterone, and soon to be arriving relaxin, slow those bowel right on down to a near complete hault. I was fortunate, and only experienced this for about a week. Phillips Milk of Magnesia is the perfect solution for this. It is completely safe for you and your baby (according to all my docs!), isn't habit forming, and doesn't cause intestinal cramping. Get the strawberry flavored - it isn't exactly appettizing, but it is the best tasting one in my opinion.

I started getting horrible reflux/heart burn in the 12 week, again thanks that lovely relaxin. And it doesn't/didn't matter what I ate. Tums Smoothies are a lifesaver!!! No other Tums will do the job better. They are the only ones that don't make me gag.

Books and Reading: Here is a list of my favorite reads, so far.
What to Expect When You're Expecting
A Child is Born
Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy (including the journal)
The Baby Whisperer
Happiest Baby on the Block (the DVD is great for dads!)
Moms on call website. I recently learned about these women on twitter, and oh.my.gosh they are brilliant! I have already signed up for their newsletters, liked their facebook page, followed them on twitter, and am reading all their stuff. I will start watching their seminars once Ellie's arrival gets a little closer. These women are both moms and pediatric nurses/LPN's - lots of experience between them! They are an incredible resource for seasoned moms as well as new moms. We will definitely be using their schedule for Ellie Faith!!! I love that their schedule is so structured, yet trains your child for flexibilty. Do yourself a favor, and follow them! Your future sanity will thank you (and me!):)

Social media, apps, and websites
One of the best things I did for us when we found out we were expecting was to sign us both up for several emails updates from reputable resources. We get daily-weekly updates on Ellie's development, my pregnancy progression, pregnancy considerations, and advice for daddies. Especially early on, Jared had trouble keep up with this new journey we were on. I could tell him stuff all day long, but it didn't compute. However, getting frequent emails that he could read himself, with illustrations, were constant reminders, and much better explanations then my HCG addled mind could come up with.:) Some even provide info you can share on your blog, facebook, or twitter to keep your friends and family up todate with your baby's development. Most have apps you can load, for FREE, on your cell phones. Our favorites are:
What to Expect
Baby Center
The Bump
You can set up accounts specific to you and your baby-daddy:)
I just recently came across this site, Bar Bellies thanks to Erin. I can't wait to start utilizing their great in-home work outs, designed for pregnant women! GENIUS!This girl needs to really start getting consistent with her exercises!

Clothes and Comfort:
I am still figuring this category out, but here is what I know so far.

• The rubber band trick in your jeans/pants is a lifesaver (I am still using it with my pre-preggo jeans!)

• I also LOVE my Bella Bands! They are great for hiding the rubber band trick, and for hiding the zipper slippage that tends to happend with the rubber band trick. Also, it provides a great layered look, if you wear them right, which I think helps provide a slimming effect.:)
•  Shirts - good luck!:) I have found Old Navy and Target to be the best for basic long sleeve shirts. The ones with the ruching at the sides are my favorites. Regular shirts no longer cover my belly appropriately, and maternity shirts with the ties swallow me! Ruching provides a happy medium. As for jeans, Old Navy Skinny jeans and/or jeggies are great, along with Motherhood Maternity's Fit and Flare and Gap Maternity 1969s (they are pricey, but I got mine on major sale!)
•  lounge clothes/pajamas : I haven't purchased any maternity options of either of these. My regulars still fit just fine and comfortably.
• Final clothing thoughts: Jeggings and cardigans are a pregnant girls BEST friends! I think they will be great post partum too!
• Body pillow: these are a must! Esepcially once you hit 16-18 weeks and can't/aren't supposed to lay on your back anymore. Also a big pillow between your legs will help support your hips and back, as you hips begin spread like the freaking parting of the Red Sea.

Hope this helps! What are some of your "Pregnancy Favorites?"

Rants of a Pediatric Nurse

I totally realize that I am just in the very beginning stages of parenthood. Long before we ever conceived Ellie Faith... long before I  thought of being pregnant... even before I ever thought of getting married... I have cared for 100's, if not 1,000's of pediatric patients. I have learned so many valuable lessons from many of the parents of those little patients of mine. I have also learned many lessons of how I don't want to parent.

It will forever amaze me that one of life's most precious and valuable gifts, children, can be obtained by just about anyone, as long as their reproductive systems are all functioning semi-normally. No tests, no pre-requisites, no requirements. Just the universal language that all humans at some point seem to understand, and often abuse - the act of procreation. Plain ol' s.e.x.

I have taken care of patients born to parents where one spoke english, and one spoke another language... neither spoke the language of the other... this has happened on several occasions. Another situation was a precious family (and I mean that in all sincerity) from Africa, where each parent spoke their own tribal dialect, but their "common language" was supposedly english... however, we could only understand one out of every, oh ten words, they would say. HA!:)

I have taken care of several children whose parents had I.Q's that were documented at retardation levels, yet they loved and cared for the children to the absolute best of their ability.

Children are incredibly resilient! It amazes me daily the inner strength I see them portray despite the obstacles life has thrown their way. They haven't asked for it, they don't deserve it, yet they fight, survive, and often times overcome their life's hardships. Just the other day, we had a highschool senior in our office who had been raised in and out of the foster care system her entire life. Her future career goal is to be a nuclear physicist. Her 4.1 GPA and amazing ACT score indicate she is well on her way. Seeing kids in the midst of their struggles makes me want to go all "Abilene" on them with hugs, followed by the words, "you is kind, you is smart, and you is important."

I tell all my employees to be their absolute best for our patients and their families, because we might be the best example that pediatric patients encounters that day, week, or even month.

Moving on to the rant...

I will never understand parents who appear to have no idea what goes on in their children's every day lives - aspects of their nutrition, what medications they are on, how to spell their child's name, etc...

Names. I have ranted on this a bit before. I have some new names and rules to add.
- Shithead, while a very popular muslim name, will not be pronounced "Shat-heed" here in America, especially when your child is clearly not of muslim descent! It will get pronounced phonetically, and I just think that has to set your child up for near failure in life.
- Diarrhea is a condition very few people on the planet enjoy - a name for your child. Few of us will realize  this word, when used as a name, is supposed to be pronounced Dee-ar-e-ah. Again, I can only imagine the injustice this child will experience on the school play ground!
- When you call to make your child's first appointment with their pediatrician, and after your third attempt at spelling your 3 day old's name and have to yell,"Hey Mama, how we decide to spell junior's name again?" this should your last and final sign you have no business attempting to be creative in naming your offspring. I would even recommend considering never procreating again.

How can parents not know what medications they give their children daily? Now, I realize medications are not the easiest names to remember, and switching back and forth from generic to non-generic, based on your insurance's whim of the month, can make remembering exact names difficult. But come on - put some sort of effort into it. I can not tell you how many times we have patients come in for "medication rechecks," primarily for renewal of their ADHD medications, and when asked what medication is being taken, the parent or patient (many of whom are in highschool) have absolutely.no.idea. what medication they are being "rechecked" for.  Depending on my mood, how many of these "uh, I don't know, isn't it in the chart" responses I have gotten that day, and how late in the day these responses occur, I might be known to go "Momma" on these unsuspecting individuals. A lecture on the importance of knowing the exact medications you are on, ways to keep track of said meds, and what could happen if incorrect information is given (always in worst case scenario mode) might ensue.

Along the lines of medications, allergies are another piece of info I will never comprehend not remembering. This especially could have life or death consequences! More often then not when I ask "is your child allergic to any medications?" The responses I get are:
- "its in the chart, I don't remember."
- "uh... that white one."
- "whats the pink one called?"
- "Sulphur." This one I can kinda get - most people have not heard of the drug class sulphonamide, which is often shortend in converstation to "Sulpha". But really - would we really give straight up sulphur to anyone, especially a kid?:) This is also kinda like when parents tell us their kids "stats" were in the 80's when they took them to the ER for difficulty of breathing. Now statiscially speaking, stats in the 80's means your kids is doing great - well above average. However, sats, referring the amount of hemoglobin saturated with oxygen, in the 80's in another whole story. This is is a blue lipped, gasping breath, mottled story - not good.

Enough on medications. Now onto nutrition, combined with the inability to answer basic questions. After 4 months of age, if a child is bottle fed, we ask parents how many ounces a day  they feed their child. The answer 75% of the time: 4 oz. Again, my response to this depends on the moment. Sometimes I sweetly say, "Oh you mean you feed your child 4 oz a bottle. How many bottles a day does your child eat?" To which they usually say, "Uh, gosh I don't know... let me think." followed by 30-45 seconds of complete "silent thinking."  However, if I have gotten this answer too many times that day, it can go like this (with a smile of course!)
Me: you feed your child 4 ounces a day?
Parent: yes
Me: so in 24 hours you only make 4 total ounces for your child to eat?
Parent: oh, no. They usually eat 4 oz a bottle.
Me: oh ok, so many times a day do you feed them this 4 oz bottle?
Parent: about every 4 hours
Me: ok so they eat about 6 bottles a day, for a total of 24 oz a day?
Parent: oh no, only about 3-4. They usually sleep through the night.
UUGGHHH! These are also the parents who started feeding their two month old fruits, veggies, and meats three times a day!

Other examples of inability to answer simple questions:
Me: Any known family history of heart disease or high cholesterol in anyone under the age of 55?
Parent: Yes
Me: Yes to both heart disease and high cholesterol?
Parent: No, just cholesterol, diabetes, cancer, and arthritis in my great grandparents.
Me: ok, did the high cholesterol start before they were 55?
Parents: Oh no, they were really old... I think.

Me: do you use city, spring, well or bottled water?
Parent: we have well water.
Me: do you drink the well water?
Parent: no, we drink bottle water.

And finally, if you decide the best thing for your family is to not follow AAP guidelines (and I give every parent this right to choose for themselves what is right for their family!) do the research and educate yourself accordingly.For example,  don't come into the office saying you are not going to follow the vaccine schedule, still want to get vaccines, just slower schedule, but not have a plan for what that schedule is. If you feel educated and well informed enough to make this decision (and again, this is every parent's right!) you need to take that next step in formulating your plan. Trust me - this will elevate you in the eyes of your physician, and most likely make them way more willing to help support you in your decision. If your physician isn't willing to discuss options or alternate plans with you, that is very good sign you are not with the right medical provider for your family.

Ok, so there is one more thing I would like to say, then I really am done... promise!:) I know there is a lot of controversy regarding vaccines these days. There some wonderful resources out there on the CDC's website as well as The Pink Book. As parents, it is your responsibilty to educate yourself appropriately and not just take your doctor's, or the latest vocal celebrity's, opinion on the subject. I have my own very definite views on immunizations, but I am not going to voice them here - they are our personal feelings for our family. I will say this though. Common childhood diseases, mainly pertussis (whooping cough) and measles are back on the rise. And while not extremely detrimental to a large portion of the population, they are highly dangerous to the younger population. The majority of us adults have already received most of the vaccines out there, and have not suffered any major side effects. As adults, it is our responsibility to protect the younger generations. So talk to your doctor about getting your Tdap booster shot and/or having your titers drawn (simple blood work) to make sure you are still immune. Most OB-GYN's now routinely test a pregnant women's MMR titers, and administer a Tdap immunization prior to discharging her home after delivering her baby. So, if you are nervous about immunizing your child, and still feel you need to do more research before committing one way or another, consider immunizing yourself, with immunization you have already received, to provide your chilld with a little extra protection.

Rant officially over... if any of you waited around long enough to finish reading!:)

22 weeks!

For starters, the few nights I actually put on "real" clothes, after coming home from work, were few and far between. And rushed. No time made for pictures. My "lounge around home" clothes, really don't exactly make me look pregnant, just pudgy and out of shape.:) However, I did snap these two crappy quality pictures for some family and friends who live out of town who wanted to see "how I was looking" these days. Excuse the complete mess behind me... working on that now!

Pregnancy Facts and Figures:

Size of baby: Elliott Faith is the size of spaghetti squash, and weighs about a pound.

Total Weight Gain: ~8 lbs . My scale at home says I lost weight, the scale at my new doctor's office (more on that later... probably) says I gained a little. So I am calling this week a wash weight wise:)

Clothes: Still wearing my regular pants, with a rubber band and/or bella band, and a few regular shirts. Jeans are definitely getting tighter in the hips. I found some unbelievably comfortable fit and flares at Motherhood Maternity this weekeend (WOO HOO) which will be great, once I get them hemmed. My Old Navy Maternity purchases   all fit, even the skinny jeans!:) I am pretty much set now for fall/winter. Hoodies and yoga/athletic pants will probably be my go-to clothes around the house. And fortunately, I wear scrubs at work. If I out grow scrubs, we all have need for concern!:) I did wear my first "full on maternity" outfit the other night. I swam in the shirt, and pants kept falling down, but it felt so good to be able to move and breathe freely!

Gender: It's a girl! Elliott Faith Ross. We will probably start out calling her either Ellie or Elle

Movement: In addition to being a gymnast, I am thinking soccer might be another sport she in which could excel! There has definitely been a marked increase in kicks and jabs this week! Some have been down right painful

Sleep: Still sleeping pretty well (sleep really is my #1, if only, talent!) PT left me pretty sore this week, so that has taken some getting used to. But nothing too bad.

Cravings: Nachos and grapes. Go figure!

Symptoms: My pain is different this week - more of  a healing pain, like I discussed earlier. Hopefully, the continued PT will help work some of that out. And I am sure being more regular with my work outs would help too. Don't judge.

Highlight: Getting to feel the little girl a lot more this week! And the "prescribed" nightly glute/hip massage by hubs my PT wrote for me!:)

Lowlight: in home PT exercises are taking up a lot of time - way more then I thought they would. Mainly because most are done on my back, and I am still really paranoid, and after every 10-15 reps, I roll over to my left side for a minute just to make sure I am not stressing the little girl out too much.

Fun Fact: We can actually hear Ellie's heart beat with my stethoscope, faintly! We can definitely hear her moving around - so fun!

Until 23 weeks...
hopefully I will better with the picture taking. This journey is flying by so quickly, I don't want to miss a minute, even photographically speaking!

Oh That Pregnancy Glow!

... why can't pregnant women (or at least this pregnant woman) see it for themselvs!?!?

Body image is not a big issue for me (or wasn't). Does my husband have to listen to my whine and complain about my not toned enough thighs, ba-donk-a-donk hind end, frizzy hair, etc... Yes, he does. I try not to complain, but I am a female, and as such I am not sure I will ever be completely satisfied without my outward appearance. However, when I complain about my butt and thighs I also know and acknowledge the fact that I haven't been hitting the work out's like I should either. Those issues are my own fault, and I own them. Now my hair, its not my fault, and though 75% of the population tells me what a gift it is, I am still learning to see it as such. I spent the first 17 years of my life with thick straight hair, only to have it go corkscrew in a few weeks time, my senior year of high school. My previous hair was easier... and cheaper!:) But there is nothing like working with adolescents losing their hair due to chemo, prior to prom, to give you a serious wake up call about how blessed you are to have a strand of hair on your head!

All that to say, I don't find my self-worth in my body, my appearance, in the way people see me. My parents did a great job instilling this concept in me, at an early age, and I  pray we can do the same for Ellie Faith and any other future children we are with which we are blessed. I love the phrase in The Help that Abilene recites over and over to poor, sweet, neglected Mae Mobly,"You is kind, you is smart, and you is important." Definitely boo-hooed in that part of the movie, right from the beginning. I definitely plan on doing this with our babies... maybe just with correct grammar.:)

I wish I could take some credit for this some-what lack of "normal female mindset," but I really can't. Part of it, I come from two parents with families with great metabolisms, and while mine is probably the slowest out of the family (due the lack of athletic ability/enjoyment) it is still pretty darn good. I have never been over 125 lbs, and if I have, it was water weight during that time of the month. In the past too, I could cut out a snack a day, and drop a pound or two by the end of the week. Of course, approaching 30, this is getting much harder to do. And then I got pregnant...

I think I actually lost weight in the beginning of the pregnancy, due the whole lack of not being able to eat anything deal. Plus, I had some fertility-med-pudge hanging around that quickly vanished upon conception. It took a while for me to actually gain weight. However, my body immediately began changing...rapidly!

I wondered if I would have a hard time, mentally, with the weight gain that must go on for a healthy pregnancy. I wasn't sure. I set a standard that I would only weigh myself on Monday mornings - no more  and no less. That worked great. I saw tinsy tiny increments of weight gain, but it was slow and steady - nothing freaky.

Working out was not an option for the first 11 weeks. One, due the fact my fertility specialist is very conservative on this front, and two, I was doing good to stay half awake at work. Once home, I was a zombie or in a coma.:) I have worked out sporadically since week 12. I am also on my feet all day, wrestling, chasing down, and restraining kids for shots, blood draws, procedures, etc...  I have beat myself up for not working out more then I am. I know habits I make now, will carry over when the baby comes. But honestly, there are so many nights I come home so dead tired it is all I can do to make myself dinner, let alone the hubs. I have really pushed myself to not beat myself up over this.

A lot of my friends were able to work out daily, their entire pregnancy. Just hearing this, I allow it to put pressure on me. Eventually, I take step back and realize - most of them weren't working, full time or at all, and if they were, they weren't so actively involved in extracurriculars (like college ministry) as we are. Its then I have a choice - am I really in the right place God would have me to be right now,  or am I overextending myself? Sometimes the answer is the first, and sometimes it is the second. Having to make choices for me and the baby, and miss out on some of the college ministry things has been really really hard, but I know it is the right and healthy choice. Exercise goal is set at 2-3 times a week. If I get it done great, if I do more, fabulous, if it doesn't happen and I nap/veg on the couch instead, its ok too.

Last week I saw something I had never seen before - the scale was over 130. Last week my jeans started getting significantly more uncomfortable. Last week my belly started peeping out under my regular shirts, but didn't fill out most maternity shirts I tried out. Last week I swear my thighs doubled in circumference. Panic, at times, has slowly tried to eek its way into my heart, mind, and body.

So I have a choice - the weight is coming, the body is changing, the clothes aren't going to fit for long/if ever again - what am I going to do? Am I going to quit eating proper nutrition, quit all my social experiences to work out after work, all the maintain a "tiny" pregnant body? NO!


I also have another choice - listen to the voices around me - really listen, not just brush them off as nice comments. At my brother's wedding last month, I saw lots of friends and family for the first time as obviously pregnant. Of course, I got the basic, "Oh look at you, you cute little mama," that you say to anyone, even when what you are really thinking is "Holy cow, you really are NOT supposed to be eating for two adults at 12 weeks into the pregnancy journey." Or am I the only horrible person who thinks like that? :-/ But I also got some of the sweetest comments, for the least "expected commenters."

"Pregnancy has never looked so good on someone."
"You look absolutely gorgeous, I mean really beautiful."
"You never looked as beautiful and happy as you do now."
"You are positively glowing!"
"Sweetest pregnant girl I have ever seen."
etc...


Now, I don't say these things to boast, brag, or elevate myself in your eyes at all. I have wanted to write this post for awhile now but didn't because I was so uncomfortable using those phrases, but knew I had to use them in order to make my point. Vulnerable!

I don't see the glow. I see rapidly paling skin, as summer's tan vanishes, and tanning beds are off limits. (I do however notice by far the least amount of blemishes on my face since I was 8, and for that I am very thankful!) I don't see the beauty - I see and awkwardly expanding abdomen - depending on what I am wearing could just be a really bad beer gut, or the front half of an awful muffin top. I see and feel hips as wide as Texas, and on a 5'3" frame, that isn't considered voluptuous, its straight up pear shaped. I don't see what my husband sees when he tells me daily I have," never looked prettier." 


And it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I never see it. It doesn't matter if what people say they see are just words to make me feel better. It doesn't matter if its all true today and gone tomorrow. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty evaporates, but a woman who has the fear of the LORD should be praised." Proverbs 31:30 The truth is, we have been given a gift - Elliott Faith Ross. Most of life's most precious gifts come at a price/cost. They aren't freely given. If they were, we wouldn't appreciate them. We have been given a gift so many couples are longing for - a baby of our own, growing, kicking, squirming inside my uterus. 


I don't care if pregnancy take away every ounce of sexiness I ever thought I possessed (and there was really very little there to begin with! Ha ). That is not what motherhood is about. Its about so much more. Its about a giving of yourself you never thought was possible (and I haven't even scratched the surface), it is about, like my friend Michelle's dad likes to say, "you will never sleep or pray the same ever again. Its about so much more than I have any idea about. But I know that  is what is important. I as scared as I am, I can not wait to learn all about it.  


And in the mean time.... I is kind, I is smart, and I is important.... and I choose joy! :)

Pregnancy and Physical Therapy - a Public Service Announcement

I went back for my first pregnancy PT appointment last week. It was great getting to see Patti and Dawn (my two PT's from my previous six months of therapy, 2 years ago). I think know they were really excited to see me pregnant.

I was really hoping for just a "tune up"/do -this-and-that and come-see-us-in-a-month type appointment. I really should have known better. That "my tailbone is about to come through my skin at any moment" pain should have been my first clue.

Due to my previous therapy having to do mainly with my pelvic floor and interior hip muscles, must of the modalities of care took place internally. Hence the reason all those lovely "vag.cam" ultrasounds with our fertility specialist weren't that big of a deal. As much as I love Dawn and Patti, that round of PT is, to date, the most violating experience I have ever been through! Ha ha I mean really, who enjoys having computer leads, probes, and other various equipment hooked up to/in your...ahem...lady business? Enough on the past miseries... onto the present.

Patti started throwing our words that I hadn't had to think much about in the time since I was discharged from PT -  psoas, ileo-scarcral this that and the other, rotated L3 and L4, and my forever nemesis - that stupid pirformis! Granted, pregnancy hormones can get the best of you when you least expect it, and most the time I go into new situations knowing water works could start at any unpredictable time. However, I was not expecting to cry again/ever at PT! Slowly, I could feel them coming on. Luckily, I think my PT could see them quickly coming on and assured it was not as bad as last time  and would not  entail the same types of corrective therapy. Praise the Lord, Thank you, Jesus!


I ended up being there over an hour and a half, getting my evaluation and treatment done. Part of the treatment included a long massage. And even if it was in my gluteal/hip region, it felt incredible! I definitely left in pain, but it was different pain then I went in experiencing. Good pain. Healing pain. I am pretty familiar with that type of pain now. And what I now realize, I was in pain I didn't even realize I was experiencing. It either crept on so slowly I didn't notice, or my body awareness is even worse then we all originally thought. I mean I did tackle a 3-4 year old boy in our office who walked "underneath" my 21+week preggo belly. And yes, I definitely mean tackle... with a touch of a drop kick. The good thing about being pregnant, people always leap to your aid/defense, and place very little blame  on you. Luckily the kid was physically fine. He is just even more scared of the pediatricians office now.:) 


The biggest, and most disheartening, surprise was the fact that I already am developing a Diastasis. I have been experiencing shooting umbilical pain since about week 4, and several of my doctors/NP's said it was just the early rapid growth of my abdomen. Not so much. More like my abdominal muscles splitting in half. Luckily, it wasn't very advanced, and should be easily correctable, even during my pregnancy. On the plus side, my lower abdominal muscles are stronger now, then the first time I was evaluated, not pregnant, two years ago! Thank you Turbo Fire/Turbo Jam!!!

I remember when I was first in PT, Patti telling me she thought I might need some PT if/when I got pregnant, and definitely rehab after delivery, in fact she thought all women could use some PT after child birth. One of my brothers is about to finish PT school himself, and I have heard him echo the same sentiments. Having been through all this PT and being a nurse, of course I have done my own research, and I could NOT agree with them more. AND, I highly urge any pregnant women out there not to just "take" the public and/or your doc's word on pregnancy=pain, live with it and deal with it... its only 9-10 months. Be proactive. Make sure you are taking the best care possible of your body, so that your recovery will go much smoother, and in a shorter period of time. After most traumatic medical events - sports injuries, accidents, surgeries - you get to go home, recoup, and be taken care of. Childbirth is the only medically traumatic even I can think of where you come home with a living, breathing, crying, sleepless, human being, that relies solely on your for their health and well-being. Not exactly the convalescence afforded during rehab/after surgery. Sure our bodies are made to nourish and deliver these little miracles of life, but that doesn't mean they do it perfectly.

Patti really helped reassure me with stretches, strengthening and toning exercises, etc... that won't hurt Ellie. I was using my TINS unit (if you don't have one of these and are a fairly active person, go out and buy one!) this past weekend, and Ellie started going crazy inside me. I freaked out and thought I was zapping her with electrical current. I became that patient that interrupted Patti's weekend at home with family, with a series of texts imploring assurance I wasn't electrocuting my baby. Of course, now on this side of that brief hormonal freak out, I realize how utterly absurd that notion was, but all the same, Patti was very reassuring that Ellie was fine.

So, if you are experiencing any type of hip, back, pelvic, tailbone, umbilical, etc... pain - be that that patient that says "You have a friend" who went to PT and it made all the difference in the world, and get yourself checked out. Do it for yourself, do it for your baby, and do it for you poor hubby who is already going to be in/on the biggest learning curve of his life.:)

Off to do my in-home therapy!

21 weeks!

I was really planning on doing weekly pregnancy updates. Obviously that hasn't happened. But no time like the present to start!


Here are Elliott Faith and I entering our 21 week relationship!

Pregnancy Highlights:

Size of baby: Ellie is the length of a carrot, and weights ~14 oz

Total Weight Gain: ~8 lbs

Clothes: This is one of the first times I have worn a maternity shirt. So far I have made do with my regular pants, thanks to the great rubber band trick and the a belly band. My regular shirt options are definitely dwindling rapidly! I have a newly received package of Old Navy Maternity clothes I can't wait to try on! Oh, and jeggings and cardigans are a pregnant girl's best friend!

Gender: It's a girl! Elliott Faith Ross. We will probably start out calling her either Ellie or Elle

Movement: I think she might be a gymnast like her momma

Sleep: It has taken a long time getting used to sleeping on my sides (I was a belly sleeper previously) but thanks to my body pillow on one side, and using my husband as a body pillow on the other side:), I am sleeping really well. Unless, Ellie decides to have a circus party in my uterus... her movements can keep me up, marveling at the little miracle growing inside me.

Cravings: I don't really have fun cravings, just food aversions. I can not get enough fruit!!! My midwives make fun of me for the amount of fruit I consume in a day. ha ha 

Symptoms: I have had lots of pelvic pain and pressure from 3 weeks on. Most of it, we think, is mainly round ligament pain, but I am also having a lot of pain from my previously broken tail bone, as well as in my hips. I am going back to physical therapy tomorrow to try to work on some of this. The nausea is much better. I haven't thrown up since the trip to the beach. I still get hit with waves of nausea, but I can handle that. Changing positions makes me really dizzy, even just turning my head!:) And I am exhausted. I haven't experienced that wonderful 2nd trimester energy everyone told me about. I was "hoping" I was anemic, but as luck would have it, my iron has been great. No easy fix there. ha ha

Here is a preview of her bedding:

We aren't using all these fabrics, and there are a few not shown here. The collection is by Ty Pennington. I love it! I found this collection the first time I started looking for nursery ideas, and I haven't found anything to even make me think about going another direction. I have some swatches on the way to me, and I am working with two different vendors on custom bedding estimates. I can't wait until we get it, and can start on her nursery!:)

In closing, here are some pictures of the future mommy and daddy of Ellie Faith:)

A Beach of a Trip!

This post will for the most part be incredibly boring to most. However, this blog has become something like a journal for me, so I want to record this story to laugh over in years to come.

Overall, our trip to the beach last month was just what the doctor ordered! A week of doing nothing but laying on the beach, getting a tan, reading so many good books ( Mud Bound, Choosing to See, and A Life Stolen), soaking in the ocean, for as long has my nausea/motion sickness would allow, was a pure piece of heaven. However, the trip getting there, was a taste of... well... definitely not Heaven! And really, that is what this post will be about - the trip driving to the beach. The time at the beach was so blissfully uneventful, I won't bore you with the details.

Marriage brings two families, from completely different habits, traditions, thought patterns, and emotional structure together... trust me, this isn't a rabbit's trail - it really does relate to the story. Jared and I have been extremely blessed to be from two families whose core values are based on the same truths, morals, and beliefs. And while our families are completely different in day to day life, they are both HUGE blessings in our life, and we feel so fortunate that we can take the good things we learned from both family sets, and combine them to create our own family style. There are, however, definitely differences in our two families.
- My family is loud, boisterous, active.
- Jared's family is quiet and reserved
- With three brothers in the house (and a youngest sister who thought for the first 5 years of her life she was just like her brothers), and everyone( with the exception of myself) being competitive athletes, there are balls bouncing, games played, wrestling matches on going - constantly. And yes, most of that can take place inside, and at times all at the same time. :)
- In Jared's family, he is the only boy, followed by two sisters - rough housing is not a part of their home life.
- My family isn't big on traditions - competitive sports have a way of playing havoc with traditions, especially Holiday traditions.
- Jared's family celebrates traditions.
- Physical aggression (in fun/love) is a love language in our house. The Elliott siblings have never fought, physically, in anger. We have only done it out of fun and enjoyment of each other's company - as crazy as that may sound to most. :) Of course, there are 1 or 2 the siblings who didn't always handle this type of interaction as well as the rest of us, and tears were the eventual/occasional outcome.
- Physical aggression is not understood in Jared's. I remember the look of horror on my then future mother-in-laws face the first time she saw me playfully slap Jared, and kick his knees out from under him, after he made some snarky comment. Ha ha!:)
- my family plays every sport in the book, and has played competitive basketball on all levels.
- Jared's family enjoys watching some UT VO.L sports, but never were competitive athletes (Side note:Hubs will get mad at me if I don't clarify here. He loves to play sports, but poor buddy got all his height - 6'5" by the time he was 13, so you can imagine the awkwardness. His coordination didn't come until college, when, as he likes to tell it, he dominated intramurals! ha ha)
- My family gets upset at the losses of any team they participate in (as a coach or player), especially if their personal performance was subpar, but we get over it pretty quickly.
- Jared's family goes into mourning when the VO.Ls lose (as does ALL of Knoxville - ugh!) and the woes are rehashed daily, until the next loss, or victory.

- I have loved getting to be a setting where the female members out number the male members.

- Jared loves getting to be around my family, where he plays with the brothers he never had.

Despite those differences, we all get along very well. One other major difference in our families is our travel style.

My family is plagued with horrific motion sickness. We also aren't "the hike's the thing" type family. We are more about getting to the final destination. The faster you get there, the better everyone feels/will be.

Jared's family has a special needs sibling's needs to consider. The middle sister, Sara, has Down's Syndrome. And, they are very much "the hike's the thing" type family. They will get to the destination eventually.


During our previous trips to the beach with Jared's family, I just take a regular strength dram.amine, sleep the majority of the trip, and deal with moderate nausea and drowsiness (his family's frequent stops and my car sickness are not good combinations!) We take two cars, but still travel together. However, with this pregnancy, the drugs option was out. My doctors are all very conservative, and beg as I did, they wouldn't give me any p.henergan or z.ofran. :(

We left around 7 am. Our first stop came less then an hour and a half into the trip - a rest area where we always stop when we travel that direction. Preggo, was not happy with this stop, as I had just fallen asleep. But I went ahead and took advantage of the bathroom, as my biggest fear was my pregnant state/bladder causing us an additional stop somewhere on this trip.

We hit the road again, only to stop another 1.5 hour later. My attitude is greatly starting to take a nose dive at this point, so I stay in the car and try and think  about anything that doesn't involved food, vomit, or motion of any kind.

We stopped for lunch around 11 am, at Wendy's. I am not a big fast-food person, and meat and I have not gotten along so well during the pregnancy, so they were kind enough to chose a quick place to eat, where I could get a baked potato.  I was ridiculously nauseous at this point, and not ready to eat, but knew I would hungry within the hour, so I went ahead and picked at my potato. I felt slightly better after just being out of the car for 30-45 minutes. Back into the car we go, and I assume for a good long stretch. This is when it all goes down hill.

We stop less than an hour later for another bathroom stop, again right as I have fallen asleep. I am not proud of the way I acted as we pulled into another South Carolina rest area. I was so nauseous, drowsy and mad, I don't even remember any exact words. I only remember snapping at my husband, and he and my sister-in-law, who was riding with us, silently exiting the car as quickly as they could. I made the stupid decision to stay in the car, and stew... in the South Carolinian heat - genius move on my part!

I am not sure if it was my anger, the heat, or the prematurely eaten lunch that was the culprit... probably all of it. But, all of sudden I was hit with the all too familiar wave of nausea, that I knew was not  going to stay down. Had I controlled my thoughts and emotions better, I would have been smart and just hurled all over the ground in front of our car, but it was blazing hot and humid, and right on the side of the interstate. The rest area, in my obviously "sane" state seemed to be crawling with people. The thought of puking in front of them all was too much, especially because I always  freaking cry when I vomit. Throwing up and crying in public happen to be two of my least favorite pass times.

I bolted out of the car, slammed the car door with way more force then necessary, and about barrel over my father-in-law and husband, who could tell by the look of my face all was not well! When they asked where I was going/how I was, I, like a brat, shouted over my shoulder, "To throw up everywhere, where do you think!?!"

Things are a little blurry at this point. I remember getting inside the women's bathroom. I remember the stifling heat that smacked me in the face and feeling like I was going to suffocate. I vaguely remember seeing my MIL and SIL standing with some other women, and I am sure all of them were in line. I remember seeing the first stall in the line open up, and rushing by everyone into the stall and slamming the door behind me. I remember that place smelled straight up like butt and overflowing sanitary trashcans. What transpired in that stall is luckily blurred as well. I have no idea how long I was in there. It could have been 10-45 minutes for all I know. I lost everything in my stomach, and then some. I was shaking like a leaf. Boo-hooing like an irrational 5 year old. The shaking got so bad, at one point I was on my hands and knees hugging the toilet in a public restroom. Once the puking and dry heaves stopped, the intestinal cramps began. You beyond get the picture at this point.

I finally pulled myself somewhat back together, I exited the stall, splashed some water on my face, and tried to make myself look semi-human again. That was a mere impossibility at this point. My sister-in-law was sent in to check on, and make sure I hadn't passed out and hit my head. :)

The looks on my "in-lawed family's" faces when I finally exited the bathroom were something to behold. Sort a blend of pity, anxiety, fear, and definite uncertainty.

I have been told I have expressive eyes. However, I am usually pretty darn good at veiling true emotion or reactions.... when I am not about to spew my cookies in front of the world. I have no doubt if looks could kill, I would have left a trail a dead in-laws, and possibly a husband, in my wake on my trip to the bathroom. Oops! I guess its a good thing the first child/grandchild is housed, nourished, protected, and maintained in my uterus. That gave me a little bit of leniency. That, and thank goodness, they love me!

No one really said a word. I think they were too scared that the exorcist might reappear. I was shaking like a leaf, dizzy, and mortified. We all just piled into the cars and took off again....

.... and I am 90% sure that was our last stop before...

This Blissdom:)

And after writing all that, I am completely exhausted just reliving that moment... the rest of the trip was fairly uneventful. So instead of details, I will leave you with just a few pics.

 The Ross Siblings: Jared, Sara, and Brenna

 Brenna is sooo ready to be an aunt! Sara on the other hand, still isn't too sure about all this:)

Walks on the beach at night are my favs

The next two demonstrate the GROWTH spurt Ellie (and I) went through that week.

 Beach Day 2

End of the week (sans make-up, please excuse!)

Yes, I wore a sweat shirt several nights... at the beach... in South Carolina... at the end of August! Told ya the weather could not have been more perfect!:)

PS: I did take pictures of my mother and father-in-law... but the only ones on my camera were of them on the beach in the swim suits... and I am pretty sure my MIL would kill me if she ever found out I posted them on the web for the whole world to see:)

A Baby Doesn't Change Everything

Added note: this post was also written during the very sick days. It is a tad embarrassing, but it is a very honest portrayal and intimate look inside my heart. And the human heart, is rarely a pretty place.


We have all heard the saying, "A baby changes everything." Faith Hill wrote a Christmas song with this title. Side note - I could barely bring myself to listen to the words this past Christmas. It was just too painful. When you get pregnant, everyone tells you your life is about to change forever, in every way. And yes, a baby, a pregnancy, even just desire for a baby does change so much. But not everything changes.


So many times in life, we are so focused on looking ahead at what we want in life, from others, from God, etc... We think that when we get to that certain "happy place" we have been dreaming of e.g. best friends, marriage, dream job, awesome vacation, fun car, dream home, perfect little family, we will finally realize all we were meant to be, feel, and experience.


I recently saw on twitter that one of the many "Real Housewives of someplace or other" said something to the effect of "The grass is not always greener on the other side. Water the grass you have." So incredibly, if surprisingly, true. A good, and probably much more Christ centered follow-up comes from Jackie Kendall, in her book Lady in Waiting, “If Jesus wants you married (or, as I have added, to be a parent, have the perfect job, car, home etc...), He will orchestrate the encounter. You have nothing to fear except getting in His way and trying to ‘write the script’ rather than following His.”  


I will admit that in the last months leading up to conceiving our little miracle, I struggled to find joy in my day to day life, circumstances, and encounters. I have an amazingly wonderful family, the most fun and supportive husband a girl could ask for, a house over my head, a comfy bed, plenty of food, a paid off car, a pay check that comes in every two weeks without fail, good insurance, enough clothes and accessories to feel cute most of the time, and last but certainly not least - my relationship with, and therefore salvation from my Heavenly Father. It was the thing I hated most about our infertility. Yes, even more then the fact that we couldn't conceive. I despised that I had to fight for joy, despite my abundance of blessings. I got to the point I didn't feel worthy of pregnancy! If I couldn't find joy in my blessed life, what right did I have to have baby - something that is surely to be one of the most stressing, taxing, and exhausting experiences in life. If I couldn't be faithful with what I had already been given, why should I be given more? I knew I was not where I needed to be in my heart. Where thanksgiving and joy should have been, bitterness, critical thoughts, and cynicism had taken up a home. 


Then I got pregnant. I think all I just described was a huge part of why I felt so emotionally stunted during those first few days: I didn't feel worthy. I emailed news of our pregnancy to one of my favorite bloggers, Amy, who has been trying to conceive for years. I didn't want her to find out randomly on some social media outlet. Her amazing attitude and utter dependence on Jesus in her struggle has been a constant source of encouragement, as well as a challenge. To make matters worse, she had just undergone what would prove to be an unsuccessful fertility treatment, at nearly the same time we conceived. I told Amy how guilty I felt for being given such a gift, when so many others seemed so much more ready, and in such better places spiritually and emotionally. Part of her response really helped give me the freedom to take yet another step into joy. "What a blessing - and don't you DARE not enjoy it or feel unworthy. We are all unworthy!" 


However, I am ashamed to admit even though I did finally give myself permission to feel joy and thanksgiving, I was still disgustingly jealous. Sure, I had a baby growing inside my womb, a quiet and constant reminder of my Heavenly Father's unfailing love for me, but it had come way later then I wanted. I wanted to have a nearly 1 year old learning to run around the house by this point. To be thinking about baby #2. Beginning our adoption plans/timeline. Making friends with other young moms. You get the picture. I would get jealous when I would hear young mom's make plans for play dates or day time get-togethers, or see them out in public doing things with their kids. Pictures on facebook of my friend's babies growing up were hard to watch some days. I was still really nervous something was going to happen to the baby, and we would have to pick up the broken pieces of our hopes and dreams, and start all over again... if I could.


I was disgusted with myself, to say the least. I have plenty of sinful faults in my life, however, I have never been a jealous person. It is horrible! This "jealousy journey" has been such a great lesson though - just like the infertility. I prayed earnestly for this jealousy to be taken out of my heart. Of course, it didn't happen overnight. It is definitely a process. I decided to choose joy. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I rub my abdomen, smile, and thank Jesus for our miracle gift, and ask that I be a good steward of the gift for that day. Every time I feel that awful little green monster (jealousy)creep back into my heart or mind, my hand goes to my rapidly expanding tummy, and I utter/breathe prayers of praise and thanksgiving. If these awful thoughts are ignited by someone I know or love (by no fault of their own), I choose to pray for them and their little ones - that the hand on God remain on them, guide them, and protect them.


Am I 100% cured of this "disease"? No. But I am submitting to the treatment, and the prognosis is very good.:) For, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And, I choose joy!