The Baby-Daddy :o)

In pregnancy, so much gets said about the momma, the baby, the baby-belly, the baby's heart beat, the nausea, the exhaustion, cravings, emotions, etc... a lot of times, a very important ingredient gets left out/looked over - the baby-daddy.:) Today's post is dedicated to my best friend, and my baby's daddy-o.

Despite growing up with only sisters, my husband was NOT well versed in many aspects of "womanliness." Plus, anything medical in nature usually makes him want to pass out. Marrying a woman, who also happens to be a nurse, who has had a variety of female health issues has been a stretch, to say the least, for the poor guy. For real, the dude is just now being able to consistently say "Vaginal exam" as opposed to "Vag-EYE-nal exam." And no, it wasn't just because of his southern boy accent, although he has tried to claim that excuse.

As with most couples, his journey through infertility was much different then mine. He had a great deal more faith in this area then I did, and he was able to take the focus off of himself and his desires and focus on supporting me. Something I wish I had been able to do better, in reverse.  In the beginning, there were times I would get frustrated with him for "not caring enough that we weren't getting pregnant," especially, when it had been his idea to start trying in the first place. Jared majored in Communication Studies, and excelled in his Conflict Communication studies. (I tease him often that I am the more naturally gifted communicator, and he had to get a degree to excel at it.) These skills definitely came in handy when trying to deal with his hormone/fertility drug induced wife. Initially, he would joke that all guy's needed there their wives to have a brief bout of infertility, as it brings lots of certain activities husbands tend to enjoy. After his experience was no longer so brief, he quickly recanted that sentiment.


When we found out we were pregnant, it took WAY longer for it to really sink in for him, then it did for me. I was pregnant from the first positive test I saw. He wasn't really sure I was officially pregnant, and not in fact dying of some disease until he saw our first ultrasound. Ha ha Even then, he was pretty disappointed that "it" didn't really look like a baby. Has anyone sees the Friends episode of Rachel and Ross' first ultrasound? In case you haven't it was kinda like that, with Jared being Rachel, and me being Ross:)... minus the spanish subtitles in this video:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY-Zo1Am_nc
(for some reason the video won't add to the blog, so just click on the link if you want to view the hilarity!) 


I have heard that "Moms are moms from conception, but Dads become Dads at birth." I wanted to make Jared feel like he was just as much a part of this experience as I was, and every bit as much needed. Just because, "He finally figured out how to do it right," like I jokingly/lovingly tease him from time to time, didn't mean his job was over and done with. It was only just beginning.


Since he didn't really get a lot of the info on pregnancy and fetal development, and I knew he certainly wasn't going to start reading any baby books until we were on our way to hospital, in labor, I needed to find a way he could educate himself (not me do it for him/to him) in way that was enjoyable and non-stressful for him. I stumbled across two amazing tools - email updates from:
whattoexpect.com and babycenter.com
They send you multiple emails a week about pregnancy and fetal development, and you can create an account for the daddy to get his own emails too! It worked! He actually reads them and remembers the info in them. I get told several times a week what food our child is equivalent to in size - melt my heart!:)

For his first Father's Day I got him a few little gifts/helpful reminders of our upcoming family changes.

Jared and my dad with their "Dad and Grandpa" gifts to go in their offices

In case you can't see, this is the book I got Jared

We had our last appointment with our fertility specialist this past week, along with an ultrasound. We got to see our baby, actually looking like a baby - arms waving and punching, legs kicking and stretching, and full body turning! It was amazing! My tears started as soon as I saw the heart still beating. Daddy's tears started once he saw his little munchkin acting like a human. As soon as we got home, he kept watching the video of the ultrasound over and over and editing it down to a small enough size to text and email to our family. He keeps resting his hand on my rapidly expanding abdomen. 

I think he has finally crossed over into "Baby-Daddy-dom":)

How We Told Friends and Family

When we first began talking about starting our family, Jared and I both really enjoyed the idea of keeping our own little secret, between just the two of us, for several weeks. We thought it would be a really special something that only the two of us would know, share, and enjoy. Then, infertility hit. It really sends you reeling in a million different directions, you never even considered as possibilities.

As most of you know, I was very uncomfortable being vulnerable in this area. I didn't like opening up this area of my life to anyone and everyone. I even had a hard time with people closest to us. This journey has taught me so much about vulnerability! Overtime, we slowly learned how and when to share our struggle with certain people. It certainly wasn't the way I would ever have envisioned it "going down"... but I will say this: if we opened up to you about our struggle, and spoke with you about it more then once, "you" were such an incredible source of comfort and support, and we couldn't have made it through without you.

Once we grasped the reality that conception wasn't just going to happen for us, I slowly began to realize, despite all the new fears I was experiencing, thinking about a future pregnancy, I wanted as many people as possible praying for our precious miracle... if we ever were given one. We wouldn't shout it from the roof tops, but we turn to our "inner circle"... people we knew would rejoice with us, while faithfully lifting us up in prayer. And gradually, we would go out from there.

Our immediate families were the first to know, after we dropped $$$$ at the drug store on all our pregnancy tests, that Sunday afternoon. All of my family lives out of town, which made sharing it with everyone at the same time difficult. This weekend, the family happened to scattered all over the state. We decided my mom needed to be first to know - she had her own struggle with infertility, and as my mom, understood my emotional struggle better then anyone. We decided to send my family the below picture and text, but would send it to mom first, and wait to hear from her, before sending it out to the rest of the family.

Text: So, it looks like we were given an extra special, early anniversary present this year!:)

I didn't hear back from my mom for over 5 minutes - what the heck!?!?!:) So I sent my little sister, who I knew was with her, a text

Me: Hey Gracie, have mom check her phone

Mary Grace: She is talking to nanny, she will when she is done, unless its important, and needs to now?

Me: oh no, its fine, she can wait until she is done.:)

2.5 seconds later my phone rang and all I heard was "Oh my gosh! sobs sobs sob Are you serious??? Sobs sobs sobs, Thanks you Jesus sobs sobs sobs sobs sobs sobs sobs followed by whooping and hollering, all of which took place in Target, I later found out!:) In the back ground, I hear my then 14yr old sister chanting "I am going to be an Aunt, I am going to be an Aunt."

We talked, cried, and celebrated for a while. I told mom she could tell the family she was in East Tn visiting, but to keep it on the "down low" for now. Gracie was allowed to tell one of her neighborhood friends, otherwise the child was going to BURST!:)

Next, the same text and picture went out to my dad and brothers, who were all working a huge AAU basketball tournament. My dad didn't have his glasses on when he got my text, so he showed it to his secretary to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him!:) He immediately called. I asked him to keep the news kinda quiet, as I knew there were lots of coaches, parents, and players at the tournament our family knew very well. He assured me he would. Somehow though, the picture still circulated rapidly, but luckily we were able to do damage control, before the news spread too far.:) Of course, my brothers all had trouble deciphering the exact meaning of the picture and message, but after conversing amongst themselves, they figured chances were pretty good I was pregnant!:) There was LOTS of celebrating going on from one end of the state to the other, in the Elliott household that day.

Next, we went over to Jared's parent's house to tell his parents and youngest sister the news (the middle sister Sara, has Down's Syndrome, so she doesn't really comprehend pregnancy until she sees you great with child. Plus, we were all a little nervous she would bring the subject up during times and at moments when we didn't want people knowing). Of course, there was lots more hugs, tears, and rejoicing.

Later that day, we came up with our "inner circle" we wanted to let in on the news. Some were family, old friends,  new friends, college students, etc... I am surprised my poor old phone didn't explode and die from all the texts and calls we received that day.

Unfortunately, Jared left to go out town shortly after the news. I did NOT enjoy being at home for my first two doctor appointments and blood draws without him, but we managed, and it was a good exercise in trust and faith for me.

The next weekend, we were up in Pigeon Forge at our CSF alumni reunion. We told a few of the students and alumni while were there, but not many. On the way home, we called our Grandparents and let them know our news, and sent out a text message to my network of cousins/childhood friends stating "we were pleased to announce the debut of Baby Ross in January 2012." We also gave my mom the go ahead to tell her sister, and several of her closest friends back home. After that, news spread quickly!

Two of our college girls who had followed our journey/struggle closely were Laurie and Whitney:

Unfortunately, both were out of town when we found out. They were two people we really wanted to tell, but selfishly we wanted to be able to do it in person. Whitney was coming back home the week we found out, and Laurie kept changing her mind as to when she was coming back (and moving in with us for the summer). I kept trying to convince her she really needed to come back, but she didn't listen, and therefore, was one of the last of the inner circle to know. A point she is still mildly bitter about.

Whitney was going to go to Bible Study with me on the Wednesday Jared was out of town, so after talking it over with Jared on the phone, we decided to let her in on the secret. We already knew how we were going to tell both girls. Whitney had gone to Universal Studios over Spring Break and brought Laurie and us back Thing 1, 2, 3, and 4 shirts.  This is what Whit saw when she walked into the living room:

She kept staring at this shirts saying "What does this mean?! I mean, I think I know what this means, but I don't want to say in case its not what I think it means." Once she realized she was in fact correct in her assumptions, her next question was "Does Laurie know?" She got some evil satisfaction out of knowing something Laurie didn't, but I think keeping it a secret nearly killed her too.

Once Laurie finally did decide to come back into town, and move in with us, she waited until we were already in bed before arriving at the house. As pay back for her prolonged absence, we decided to leave her with this gift on her bed:

As we went to bed that night I told Jared, "Make sure you sleep fully clothed. I will not be surprised if she comes flying into our bedroom once she gets home." Evidently, it crossed her mind. :) Needless to say, the next morning I had no less then twelve text messages from her consisting of, "Oh my gosh, are you serious, are you pulling my leg, I hope these messages wake you up, how am I supposed to go to bed now, WAKE UP!!!" Etc... Slid underneath our door was this:

After that, things spread the good old fashion way - word of mouth from one friend or family member to another. 


We didn't make it "Facebook Official" until after our first ultrasound. 

And we all know, nothing is "official" until its "Facebook Official.":)

Utter Exhaustion, ever present NAUSEA, and a Precious Bulging Belly

I have sat down at this computer so many times in the last few weeks to try to put to words what this experience has been like. To keep forever in written words, memories of this incredible gift God has given us. Unfortunately, extreme exhaustion and constant nausea generally get in my way - I can hardly hold my eyes open at the end of the day to type, and watching the letters pop up across the screen as I type them, makes me dizzy and nearly makes me loose what little food I have been able to eat that day. Fortunately, I purchased this at the beginning of our pregnancy:

I have kept up with entries each day. I can't wait to look back on this account years from now, maybe even with the little sweet pea these writings are about! I highly recommend this book for anyone who is expecting, or even has an early gift for a newly expectant friend. It is hilarious, and provides some much needed laughs each day. Also, it only has a few lines for you to fill in each day. I tend to be a bit wordy at times. I will more then fill however much space provided for writing. The limited lines keep my ramblings brief and concise, and isn't overwhelming, even during my most extreme pregnancy exhausted moments. Of course, I also purchased the companion book, Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy.

Overall, I am very thankful for where I have fallen on the the dreaded first trimester symptoms spectrum - it really could be MUCH worse! I never knew one could feel so tired - as soon as breakfast is over, I could go back to bed for a 3-4 hour nap. Driving to work in the morning, I fight falling back to sleep. I have been known to take cat naps during my lunch break. I come home from work, eat a few bites, and fall asleep for 2-3 hours, wake up, eat a few bites more, and go back to bed for the night. My poor husband has become more familiar with my eyelids then my eyes lately.:)

On the food front, I have probably eaten meat a total of once week since I got pregnant. And by meat, I mean pieces of diced chicken. I used to eat chicken daily. Not sure what has happened, but I have horrible meat aversions right now. Which has made getting adequate protein really difficult. Luckily, I am still able to drink my Shakeology every morning. Interesting side note: in the Shakeology world/family there is a going theory - if you can drink the chocolate shake during your pregnancy, its a girl. If you can't, and have to switch to greenberry, its a boy. I have been chocolate all the way... we will see if I keep with the theory, or debunk it!:)

I have only thrown up a hand full of times, but remain on the verge the majority of the time. I would love to say I am one of the precious expectant mama's that says "but even when I throw up I have the biggest smile on my face, cause I know its just another sign of this beautiful gift God has given us..." Yeah, definitely not this girl, as evidenced this story. However, I do say a prayer of thanksgiving afterwards... once I get myself cleaned up and calmed down.:)

And it is not just meat I have aversions to, its food in general. I have lived off of applesauce and honey nut cheerios - seriously! I took this picture at the pool recently, titled "a Pregnant Girl's Pool Survival Kit"

Because of this somewhat lacking proper nutrition intake, I feel awful by the end of the day. Its a toss up - eat adequate/proper nutrition and throw up all day, or eat minimal, somewhat empty calories, feel terrible, but not throw up. I choose not to throw up every time! Which generally mean, this is what I have looked like many nights:) I haven't gained a pound so far, in fact, I am pretty sure I lost ~5 lbs, but I am not worried! I have no doubt I will pack on the pounds later!:-/ I think the weight loss has more to do with the extra pounds fertility meds love to hand you! Ugh

picture courtesy of my husband, sent to my mom

As not so pleasant as all that sounds, let me tell you about my precious, pooching-out belly - I LOVE it! I literally starting showing at 3 weeks! It just looked like a peach-sized protrusion just below my belly button. It has steadily grown since then. However, I am just now starting to look like I might be pregnant, and not just pudgy, based on what I wear. I love feeling, rubbing, patting, or just placing my hand on my belly, and knowing our little sweat pea is safely nestled inside me, growing like a weed. There is nothing else like it! Lately, the Baby Daddy has taken to resting his hand on my belly too, while we watch tv, are falling asleep at night, driving in the car, etc... I guess I can share some hand space on my belly.:) Here is glimpse at the belly bulging, from week 2, until now.:)

sorry about the poor quality. I have an archaic camera phone:)

I enter my 2nd trimester tomorrow! I can not believe we have made it this far, and this quickly! 1/3 of the way there!!!! Jared and I keep saying we don't want to jinx it, but this last 2-3 days, I have been a little bit closer to my usual self. I have been able to eat at least one normal meal a day, haven't napped nearly as much, seem a bit more energetic, etc... Maybe that incredible 2nd trimester energy everyone keeps telling me about is about to come my way???

There is so much more I want to share about what this pregnancy has done to/for me spiritually, emotionally, relationally, how it has affected my marriage, etc... but I am not back to that level of cognition yet (I swear I lost the entire half of my brain cells, you supposedly loose during pregnancy, by week 3... it ain't been pretty!) It still seems somewhat surreal. However, I am no longer walking around on pins and needles, waiting for the "bomb/other shoe to drop."

Until the the next wave of energy! For now, I am off for my morning nap! It is the weekend after all - time to catch up on some rest!:)

Pscyho Preggo

After all my posts about our longing for a baby, and our struggle to get to this point, I do not want to complain about all any of the unpleasant aspects of pregnancy. When people ask me how I feel, I say " 24/7 I am nauseous, exhausted, but so very thankful." And that really is how I feel! However, there have been a few down right hilarious stories... now that I am on the other side of them.:) Its been a rough past 10 days... ok, really 2ish months, but who is counting? Here are my two "favorite" Psycho Preggo moments.

Sunday Night:
It was not a good weekend. I felt awful! Everything I ate, didn't eat, did or didn't do seemed to make me worse. I was worthless all weekend, even though my poor little brother was visiting us. Jared was a champ - he took care of entertaining our guest, and even did his best to clean the house and do laundry Sunday evening! I definitely have a keeper.

As Sunday wore on, I was getting worse and worse. Finally, we decided just to head off to bed to see if I could "sleep it off." Ha! 2 seconds after getting into bed, I knew I was in trouble in the nausea department. "Do NOT move a muscle" I told Jared, "Or I am vom all over the bed." I am pretty sure he just thought I was being dramatic (I have no idea why he would assume such things about me!?!). We talked for a few minutes - for once he was doing the talking and I was doing the listening. At the same exact second Jared leaned over to give me a kiss goodnight, I knew I had lost the fight not to vomit. I threw up, with his face mere inches from mine, but managed to keep it in my mouth, and flew out of bed, whacking his nose with my forehead.

I made it to the bathroom door, and lost the contents of my mouth, and stomach, all over the clean sink. Next it was onto the toilet... for quite a while. I should also mention, Jared had just cleaned the bathroom that day. Washing my face that night had been out of the question. When my hurling episode finally decided to be over, my contact-less eyes could not figure out what all the black stuff was all over the toilet seat... it was mascara, from my unwashed, but now tear streaked face (I always cry, unemotionally, when I puke.) After this last realization, I finally started to cry in earnest - I had just puked all over the clean bathroom, I was an unclean mess, a worthless wife since I hadn't done an ounce of housework all weekend, but left it up to my husband... etc... You get the picture - pregnant girl, who just looks pudgy, not preggers, sitting on the bathroom floor, mascara cascading down her face, surrounded by a vomit covered toilet, sink, and vanity. This was the scene that greeted my husband when he finally thought it was safe to come check on me (I hate having people check on me when I am sick, especially throwing up! I have been known to lock the bathroom door! ha ha)

I am happy to say, we recovered (and cleaned up) nicely. Although, Jared isn't snuggling as much in bed, and definitely asks me how I am feeling about 5 times before I get my goodnight kiss.:) Can you blame the poor guy?

Tuesday Night:
I came home from work even more exhausted then usual, and unable to eat anything. So we called it a night at 9:45 pm. This never happens in the Ross household. I slept like a baby until 1:50am. I rolled over and felt amazing - completely normal! Ah, sweet relief. I made myself go ahead and get up to pee, as I knew my bladder would be waking me up between 3-4am - might as well get up since I was awake. Of course, as soon as I got out of bed, I was immediately hungry... followed by overwhelmingly nauseous.

I have been eating Honey Nut Cheerios like they are my job - its one of the only things I confidently know is not going to make me worse. I usually keep a box next to my bed, but of course this night, I had forgotten. And as luck would have it, the only thing I knew would satisfy this nauseous craving for food was Domino's Pizza!!!!! I tried to convince myself the frozen pizza downstairs would do the job, but my stomach lurched at the thought... only Domino's would do. I got Jared's smart phone and started trying to find a Domino's in our area that was till open and would deliver. I realized how ridiculous this was, and I stopped myself. I did not need this food, right this second... it was simply a psycho preggo craving. And since I chose not to satisfy said craving - I was awake until after 4 am, and had to get up at 6am. Needless to say, Wednesday was a long day. In fact, I am still recovering.:)

So there you have it - welcome to what Pregnant Life is like at the Ross pad. I am sure Jared, and some of our college ministry students could definitely add their own stories about me!:)

Say a prayer for my sweet husband... he might actually have it worse off then I do... well, maybe only when he gets off work and has to deal with his worthless-always sleeping-don't bring any type of food anywhere near me-why should I go grocery shopping when I am not eating-laundry might just walk down stairs and clean itself if I let it lay there long enough-wife.:) During the day, he gets to feel normal/good while he works.

Little precious fetus, you are kicking mommy's tail, but you are oh so very worth it, and this is the easiest you are probably ever going to be for me!:)

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...

So let's start telling the story of our unfolding/developing miracle...

After several rounds of Clomid without conception, our RE decided it was time for us to come back in for the dreaded "what do we want to do next" appointment. This was in April. The month of May was a very busy month for us, so we decided we would reconvene in June. He gave us the option of doing one more round of Clomid in May, if for no other reason then to keep the ovary stimulation up. I almost didn't do it. I was going to be out of town, in Texas visiting a friend, for a week in May, come home for a week, then Jared left for a week. Not a great schedule for baby making! Then, as we got closer to my trip to Austin, we realized ovulation was supposed to fall right around my trip - fan-freaking-tabulous! I almost thought about cancelling postponing my trip. However, we had made the decision a long time ago to not allow our dreams of  family to control our every move. We would "move when the spirit says move, stay when the spirit says stay." So off I flew to Texas... to one of the best visits with friends to date. I mean look at these people - how could it not be GREAT!?!

I tried to sneak Noah back in suitcase... he seemed pretty cool with the idea;-)

Such a little OT! (Ovary Tugger!)

My sweet friend, Michelle! How I wish we lived closer!!

So I came back from Texas, and re-entered the real world... and honestly, my arms were aching to hold my own baby, after spending an entire week with such a sweet little angel in Texas. It looked like I had ovulated in Texas. I had consciously decided not to do any sort of testing while I was out of town. What few clues I was left with upon my return home indicated that we had missed our opportunity that month. Life went on, and we looked forward to June and deciding what was our next step.
TMI alert:

I came home from work one evening, beyond exhausted, and very, yet vaguely, uncomfortable. It took the genius nurse inside me way more time then it should have to realize I was experiencing my first ever urinary tract infection. I now have a great deal more sympathy for those who suffer for those horrendous infections. Ugh! I called my fertility specialist, and he immediately put me on a "embryo safe" antibiotic, just in case, as well as some pyridium (a urinary analgesic that turns your pee brick red/burnt orange - creepy crazy!) 24 hours later, I am new woman. Of course, everyone starts telling me "You know, UTI's can be the first sign of pregnancy, etc..." To which I simply smiled and said "Yes, I realize this, but I am pretty sure that is not the case for me." I had been cramping pretty severely for over a week, my face was broken out, I had horrible headaches... all signs my next cycle was getting ready to start.

I took a test on day 28 (but I am 30-31 day cycle girl) since it fell on a Friday. My RE always had me test the Friday closest to my start date, in case I did happen to get preggers, and needed progesterone, etc... I had nearly forgotten to take the test, but remembered as I was running out the door for work. I ran back upstairs, and squeezed out a few drops of burnt orange pee, but only waited ~2 minutes, as I was already running late. I barely could make out the control line, thanks to me lovely new urine hue. "Well that was a waste of yet another test," I thought, as I laid the test on the counter, and ran out the door. 

This same afternoon was when I bought this picture, which I blogged about here

When I came home from work, I saw the test laying on the counter. In case you have never had to "try to conceive" for any length of time, allow me to fill you in on a little secret - we TTCers pull our tests out of garbage multiple times, for no less then 24 hours, just in case our eyes were working the other 50 times we looked. Don't judge. I glanced down at the barely legible test and thought just maybe I saw a second line???????

This is definitely NOT the first time I had tried to convince myself there was a second line... wasted lots of money this way! My heart did the typical race-a-way on me, etc... Instead of downing some water, and peeing on yet another stick, I threw the test in the trash, walked out of the bathroom, and went to sit on our bed. We were going to be celebrating our anniversary that weekend, before Jared went out of town for the week. The past several holidays and celebrations had been somewhat marred by my unmet desire for a baby. I sat there and prayed that God would help me be completely grateful for all He blessed me with, so much beyond what I deserved. I have the worlds greatest husband - really. He is the best friend I have ever had, and could ever want. So what if I didn't have a baby - I had something so few people ever get to enjoy. I have a beautiful, life long partnership, with my best friend, who happens to love more then I ever thought possible. I was not going to let my little pity party ruin our beautiful celebration. I wrote about our anniversary here. We had a wonderful time together, and while the "no baby" deal was still in the back of my mind, it didn't rob my joy, or keep me from being present in the moment.

Sunday morning, as I woke up to get ready for church, I was laying in bed and realized "hmmm... I am actually 2 days late, my boobs are killing me, and I am not bloated (I can easily gain 6-8 lbs of water weight prior to starting my period.) I figured I should probably take a test before Jared went out of town, just in case. So I stumbled to the bathroom, and realized I didn't have any more of the First Response Tests, which I prefer and usually take. Luckily, I had another brand, and gave it a good pee. Now usually, I make myself wait at least 5 minutes before looking, otherwise I will just stand there watching the urine move across the screen for the entire 3 minutes the tests requires to complete. I set the test on the counter, got up from the toilet and out of the corner of my eye I saw a very foreign sight

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh," and so on and so forth for the next 30 seconds.  Every month, I had planned a very special and unique way to tell Jared we were expecting, in case it ever happened. Not this month - nothing! I ran from the bathroom, with my hair going everywhere, yesterday's eye makeup smeared garishly across my face, and shook him awake, somewhat violently. "LOOK!" I said, as I shoved the test mere inches from his face. 

Jared:What on earth is that, and what does it mean, he asked groggily. 

Me Um... I think I might be pregnant.

Jared: You think you think you might be pregnant, or you really think you are pregnant.

Me: I think I kinda might be pregnant, you don't get false positives this far out on clomid.

Jared: Go pee on another test.

Me: I can't, I just peed!

Jared: Go drink some Sunny D - it worked for Juno.  (Seriously!?!?)

We decided to go ahead and go to church, and afterwards stop and pick up the brand I usually used. I gulped down as much shower water as I could, and hurried to get ready. Right before we left, I grabbed two more tests - the last one from the kit I had just opened, and one crappy generic test my RE had said to NEVER use, as it would never give me an early positive. This is what we saw 30 seconds later:

Me: Babe, I think this might really be happening....

I held his hand so tight the entire way to church. My heart was racing, my head was spinning somewhere off to right of my right shoulder, and I my  breathing was labored. We agreed we wouldn't breathe a word to any family or friends at church, so we put on our best poker faces, and walked in. I cried off and on through out the entire worship service... emotions that I can even begin to describe.

As luck would have it, Jared's sisters wanted to go to lunch with us after the longest church service I had ever sat through (I honestly have NO idea what the message was about!) Finally, after lunch we headed off to the drug store to pick up additional tests. And yes, by this point we had 3 positive tests at home. Jared wasn't going to be convinced until he saw "pregnant" on one of those dreaded digital tests, so we picked up tests "for" him and tests for me, and headed home. 

As this has gotten way too long already, I will leave you with these images:)

More to come, but later! This I need a nap... before going to be for the night:)

Singing my Hallelujah Song

These past two months have been a whirlwind for me and my husband! We received the most precious gift imaginable on May 22, 2011, 2 days before our 3rd anniversary:

To say we were (and that Jared still is) shocked is an understatement! :)


There are soooo many more details that I can not wait to share with you in the near future. However, as ecstatic as I am to be able to share this news of God's loving faithfulness to us, it breaks my heart into a million pieces as I think of all the other couples out there still praying for their "Hallelujah Babies." This blog has introduced to me to so many people whom I never would have met otherwise. Women who often understood my pain and heartache better then those around me - they have been/are in my shoes.


I realize reading this news will bring great rejoicing to some, and extreme heartache to others. Because of this I will not be sharing any more of the details of our miracle just yet - I want to give some of you out there time to process for yourself however you need to. I urge those of you who are hurting with unmet dreams and desires to seek comfort in the arms of your Heavenly Father. He will take care of you in ways no one else on this earth ever could.



God is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. Eph 3:20 

Random Ramblings

Extremely random and scattered thoughts... the way my brain usually works!:)

- So much for summer schedules allowing for more blogging - definitely doesn't seem to be happening!

- Hubs got me  a Kindle for our anniversary (totally surprised me!) First book I added - Black Heels to Tractor Wheels by Ree Drummond. HIGHLY recommend it! For those of you who don't know, Drummond is the author of The Pioneer Woman blog. I have to admit, I have never read the blog, but after loving her book, I have a feeling I might have to start.

- Any recommendations for what to read on my Kindle next? I might have to re-read the Help, because it just that good. I am previewing Girl with the Dragon Tatoo presently.

- Speaking of blogs, I love my Google Reader! I have no idea how on earth people keep up with blogs (or survive without them) without their Reader set up. If you haven't done it - you must!


- It feels like forever since I have been back home! Its been almost two months (long time for me and my family!) We are going back next weekend, and I am very excited.

- My baby sister is turning 15 years old next week?!?!? How is this possible!?!?! I am NOT old enough for her to be this old!

- We spent Memorial Day Weekend with our college ministry's Alumni in Pigeon Forge for our Alumni Reunion. It was the first time we rented a place for all of us to stay together. It was great! My mom and only one of my brothers were the only two family members who were able to join us. Which means I got  my mommy all to myself for nearly 3 days and 2 nights! I think the last time this happened was the week preceding my first brother Daniels birth 25 years ago!:)

- I just requested an invitation to Pinterest - this could become an unhealthy obsession. You really should check it out.

- One of our college girls is living with us for the summer. I feel like we see her less now that she is living with us then we did over this past year. Again, our summer schedules have not been slow, laid back, or relaxed, so much. She is a great girl... oh and see is single - know any great guys needing a great girl!?!?:)

- I am really hoping the rain holds off today - girlfriend needs some serious sun tanning going on. For real!

- I also need to go bathing suit shopping... especially before we go to the beach in August. My "main" suit I have had for 10 years, at least. I kid you not.

- I also really need to get my bridesmaids dress for my brothers wedding in September - eek! Maybe when I am home next weekend...

- As much as I love our college students, I am really enjoying getting to go to a "grown up" bible study this summer, with other married couples!:)

- I have had several employees out on vacation, and one seriously ill supervisor (she needs lots of prayers!), which is making work insane (especially for the summer months!) I am exhausted at the end of  the working day, which is one of the main things putting a damper on my blogging mojo.

- My heart keeps breaking for my blogging friend, Amy. So many of us are praying incessantly for you to finally experience the joys of motherhood. Amy is an incredible writer, blogger, encourager, fitness freak, etc... you really should follow her blog!

- On a happer note, I am loving watching another blogging friend, Josey's growing baby bump!:)

- I have finally/successfully cut out all caffeine from my diet! I have suffered with moderately severe headaches since I was 6 years old. No rhyme or reason to them really. I have always read that while caffeine can help headaches, a lot of doctors recommend you cut it out of your diet if you have consistent headaches. I have gone about 6 weeks without any, and as much as I hate to admit it - I have been headache free! Part of it, I know, is just the time of year, but still! But decaf coffee just is NOT the real deal. I bought some flavored decaf last night, and its currently brewing... hoping it tastes a bit more like the real thing.

- At this point, these ramblings are really just an excuse I am using to avoid housework... yes, LAME I realize!

In closing, I will leave you with pictures of the shadow box I made for Jared in honor of our anniversary - sort of a picture/story of our lives together so far.

I couldn't get a great picture of this unfortunately... One of Jared's bosses was kind enough to help me commandeer some CAT stuff for the shadow box. He randomly selected this piece, which is the exact make and model of first piece of equipment Jared sold!

When I look back... I see He carried me

I started this post months ago, but never seemed to be able to find the right ending.... until recently...


My whole life, health has always come naturally to me. Once I got over the chronic ear infections of infancy/toddlerhood, I really wasn't a sickly kid. I rarely remember being sick as a school age kid or teenager. Even in nursing school, when I was getting next to NO sleep, ate haphazardly, and was exposed to every germ under the sun... I really didn't get sick.  In my adult life, I spent very little time in doctor's office or health care settings, as a patient (I spent more then enough time there as an employee!) Until... I got engaged and married.


 I was a virgin when we got married, so I had no need for birth control, up until a few months before our wedding, in preparation to NOT get preggers on the honeymoon. The first appointment was disaster, even though it didn't actually happen. I woke up to find I had started my period 5 days early, and it was a bad one - horrible cramps, bloating, nausea, upset GI,  highly emotional, etc... just the way you want to feel with your feet locked into stirrups with your legs spread before God and the world. I got lost and couldn't find a parking place, but luckily I had left an hour ahead of time, and was only 5 minutes late. I filled out all the new patient paperwork, only to discover my insurance card is NO where to be found. Next I find out they won't see me without my insurance card, and I have to pay a $20 fee for showing up without said insurance card, therefore "no showing" my appointment. Fan-Freaking-Tabulous. The period goes on its merry little way, the old insurance card never resurfaces so a new one is sent to me, and the appointment is rescheduled. 


I ended up loving the Nurse Practitioner I saw, and she was pumped to have "a real live virgin" over the age of 15! HA!  I had experienced several non-discript "female" discomforts over the years - nothing major and with symptoms so vague it affected my day to day life very little. I explained these, in the best detail I could, and the Nurse Practitioner assured me those were all quite normal, not to worry.  I was cool with that. Then came the exam. I will spare you the details, but I will say this - they ruptured my hymen (damage that wasn't diagnosed until later), and I nearly passed out and fell off the bed. Being a nurse, I tried to mentally talk myself out of blacking out, and luckily it worked... that and laying on the ice cold tile floor with my head between my knees, with medical staffers putting wet wash cloths over me. It was glamorous, let me tell you. All this aside, I recovered nicely, and for some idiotic reason, we decided the nuv.a.ring would be the best form of birth control for me. 


As I left, the office I called Jared to inform we very well may never have sex in our married life after what I just experienced, to which he sat in stunned silence, then very calmly and slowly asked me to explain why exactly I felt this way. After getting my dramatics out of the way, I was able to laugh hysterically at the whole situation. I picked up my prescription for birth control and was well on my way. Or so I thought. Again, I will spare you the details, but if you ever think about trying the Nuv-a-ring, first of all, good luck. Secondly, it if comes shooting out being your legs with a force you didn't know that area of you body could create... do not keep trying to insert it ~ 10 times over the course of the next hour... while at Chili's ... for a friends bachelorette party... It just doesn't end well, trust me! Fast forward - the plain ol' pill was just what I needed, and we were back on our merry way to marital bliss.


During the summer months following our marriage, those "vague-non-discript, not life affecting" symptoms became increasingly persistent, painful, and to a point debilitating. I would have shooting pains across my pelvis, down my hip, around my thigh, sometimes even traveling down to my toes. The pains would wake me up at night. I was living in a new town, and knew very few people who could recommend a good doctor. I was brushed off by several practices in the area, who suggested I go to a pain clinic - what the heck!?! I finally opened up to an older lady who was like second mother to me in town, and she completely understood, having experienced something very similar herself! She gave me the name of her physician. We immediately scheduled an appointment with her. This physician was a godsend. She sat and talked to us for 2 hours! We walked away with, not one, but two diagnosis, both with great cure rates, mainly through physical therapy. I had never heard of "women's health phyiscal therapy" and was a little skeptical about where I could find such a provider in our smallish city. As luck would have it (or really as God ordained it) we have one of the most talented and kind hearted Pelvic Pain PT's in our town! Patty, and her assistant Dawn, were such Godsends!!! And they were precious christian ladies, who prayed for and with me several times during those rough months. I ended up having a way more complicated case then anyone anticipated. My pelvis was all tilted and off-centered, my pelvic floor muscles were all contorted, and the lymphatic drainage in my right thigh was all sludged and backed up (for as long as I could remember, moderate pressure on my thigh had been extremely painful.) I spent months with Patty and Dawn, starting out at 3-4 hours a week, doing modalities I never dreamed existed in health care (internal ultrasound therapy, anyone?) Jared accompanied me twice to learn how to help massage and manipulate my muscles, to help ease my pelvis back into alignment. The girl who was rarely a patient herself, but always the care giver, was now being the patient 2-3 times a week, for hours at a time. Talk about loss of control... maybe that was part of this journey for me....


The first 4-6 weeks were unbelievably painful, as my body slowly shifted back to where it was designed to reside. After that, I felt unbelievably better. I still had flare ups, but nothing to close to what I had experienced previously. I stayed with Patty and Dawn for many months. As happy as I was to finally be discharged, and no longer pay for PT, I was so sad to leave them - they really had become very dear friends of mine. We still keep in touch to this day.


One thing we learned through all this therapy was that if I had gotten pregnant, the pain would have greatly magnified and intensified, and permanent damage could have been done.


We went 6-8 months after physical therapy before making the decision to slowly ease into trying to get pregnant. After all we had been through recently with my body, Jared and I both knew it was not going to be one of those "quit taking the pill one month and getting pregnant the next month" type situations... we just don't do life that way.


Most of you know the rest of the story:
- tried for several months without results, then abruptly my cycles stopped all together for 5 months.
- the doctors tested my hormone levels and found zip, zero, zilch.
- commence hormone replacement therapy, at the whopping old age of 27 - grand times I tell ya!
- hormone levels normalize for several months, still no pregnancy.


My gynecologist was only a GYN - she didn't do the fertility or OB side of things, even though I begged her to make and exception for me. :) I was having trouble finding a fertility specialist who understood my past medical history and who understood infertility treatment isn't a one size fits all for everyone. Jared and I had very clear convictions on what was right for us.


Our original plan had been to try for a baby without telling anyone, in hopes of surprising our families on  either Mother's day or Father's day. This goal was obviously, and sadly not obtained. The sweet dreams of trying, conceiving, and enjoying our little embryo as "just our little secret" for a while, were dashed. Letting go of the complete lack of secrecy or surprise has been really really hard for me. At any given time no less then 50 people probably know where I am in my cycle - not at all invasive or embarrassing, really. 


As I  gradually had this dream pried from my death grip, we slowly began telling a few select people about this journey we are on. One night, as we were leaving our friend's house, the husband, Clayton said "Hey, anyway we can pray for you guys." Jared and I exchanged the briefest of glimpses, seconds before Jared says "Well, Amy really wants a baby!" Definitely the fist time we had presented this knowledge that way. Come to find out "baby requests" were a "specialty" of Clayton's... a point which his wife quickly clarified - they knew three couples who had recently seen the same fertility specialist in town, and all three were pregnant. And he was a christian! 


And its gets better. Of course, being the professional skeptic, I had to do research on this guy. I stared at the computer screen for about 5 minutes straight when his profile came up. Not only was he an OB-GYN (who no longer delivered), he was board certified in Reproductive Endocrinology (for anyone TTC, you need an RE, not just a basic fertility specialist!) he was a pelvic pain specialist. Pretty sure I heard the Hallelujah Chorus. How on earth all my research for physician with this specialty never produced his name, I will never know, but I guess it just wasn't in God's perfect timing.


The rest has been recorded on this blog...


Most of us have probably heard the song "Blessings" by Laura Story. If you haven't, you should look it up. It has brought much comfort to me over the past months (and has been sent to me numerous times by several caring friends)

...All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

I hear lots of girls/hopeful mom's talk about little things they have picked up here and there for their future babies. I just can't do it... at least not yet. However, a few Friday's ago (May 20th to be exact), I only had to work a half day, and being the craft dork that I am, I spent the majority of my afternoon at the Hob Lob, where I came across this:

I stood there staring at it for the longest time. The overall look goes perfectly with our bedroom's theme. I  also really liked meaning of this plaque. But could I actually purchase it, even if it was on clearance? I walked past it several times, before finally deciding to "build an alter", "raise an ebenezer", and "take a leap of faith." Into the buggy it went. It now sits on our dresser, where I see each morning when I wake up. A nice little reminder of God's blessings.


The necklace hanging on the plaque looks like this:

I bought it from one of my employee's kids as a school fundraising project. I started wearing it a few months ago, as an added reminder of my overall "belief." I was recently at the fertility doctor having yet more vials of blood drawn when the phlebotomist commented, "I really like your necklace... I bet it has a very layered meaning." My eyes filled with tears as I simply answered "Yes."


So even  if His blessings come through raindrops ... if His healing comes through tears... Every day still holds the possibility of a miracle... and I choose to Believe. Because when I look back over these past 3 years, as cliche as it horribly sounds... the footprints in the sand are not mine... they are His, because He carried me to each and every place I needed to go to know Him in a more real way.

The first day of the rest of our lives

Today is our 3rd anniversary. Unfortunately, Jared is out of town all week on a business trip. We celebrated this past weekend - it was perfect! As much as I wish we could be together today, I am so blessed with a relationship that doesn't require mere physical closeness in proximity to maintain our "oneness." Here is a glimpse at the cards we exchanged.

His to me:

Let's promise to always take care of our love, to never forget the laughter and smiles we've created in each other's hearts... To look beyond the little things that sometimes come between us, so that nothing can stand in the way of the closeness we share....

Let's promise to believe a little longer, to hope a little deeper than any doubts or fears that find us. And let's promise never to take for granted our quiet times together, when just being in each other's arms feels so very right and nothing in this world matters more than our lasting love.

Mine to him:

You are the one for me... the one I laugh and cry with, the one who shares my hopes and dreams... the one I love.

Since God brought you into my life you have always been the one... making the hard times better, and the good times sweeter.

I look forward to every new year the Lord gives us to walk  and talk and just be together.

You are my best friend and my heart's treasure. You will always been my true love.

Here is a progression of our relationship - in pictures and "meaningful conversations."

When we said "I love you," for the first time... on the Chimney Tops

After he proposed on the Chimney Tops... and I said yes:)




Then it was time become Mr. and Mrs!

communion

A prayer and a song "Be thou my vision"

Then we spoke the most important words we had ever spoken to each other.

I, Jared, take you, Amy, to be my wedded wife. With deepest joy I receive you into my life that together we may be one. As is Christ to His body, the church, so I will be to you a loving and faithful husband. Always will I perform my headship over you even as Christ does over me, knowing that His Lordship is one of the holiest desires for my life. I promise you my deepest love, my fullest devotion, my tenderest care. I promise I will live first unto God rather than others. I promise that I will lead our lives into a life of faith and hope in Christ Jesus. Ever honoring God's guidance by His spirit through the Word, And so throughout life, no matter what may lie ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as a loving and faithful husband. 

I, Amy, take you, Jared, to be my wedded husband. With deepest joy I come into my new life with you. As you have pledged to me your life and love, so I too happily give you my life, and in confidence submit myself to your headship as to the Lord. As is the church in her relationship to Christ, so I will be to you. Jared, I will live first unto our God and then unto you, loving you, obeying you, caring for you and ever seeking to please you. God has prepared me for you and so I will ever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage you. Therefore, throughout life, no matter what may be ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as an obedient and faithful wife. 

my brothers thought they would be funny...

and assist in the wedding kiss by bringing a step stool up on stage:)

it caused a good laugh

Finally, hubs and wifey:)

Probably the happiest I will ever be!:)

And just because this is so us and (I think) freaking hysterical:)

wedding night fun:)

I lovest you the mostest, Hubs! 

Here's to many more anniversaries to come, and fun times to be had!