Day 14: one year ago

One year ago today, I was just waking up after a long, painful, and very emotional night/early morning.

My body had finally released our baby. The baby we would never get to know or hold.

That morning a year ago was actually a fairly peaceful morning, especially compared to the previous few days just waiting for the miscarriage to complete. I had been scheduled for a D&C the next day. Even though I knew my baby's heart had quit beating days ago, and would never beat again, I was physically sick at the thought of voluntarily having the remnants of my baby surgically separated from me.

Instead, I got to call and cancel my surgery on this day a year ago. As strange as it may sound, for me, this simple act was actually a sign of God's mercy even in this awful experience. I had begged Him that a D&C would not be necessary. Thankfully it wasn't. 

In the months following the miscarriage, I have continued to hear from more and more women who have also experienced the loss of their babies way too early. Many of whom I have known for a while but never knew of their loss.

It's been very interesting to see all the different levels and ways miscarriages have affected each individual woman. 

One way is not better then another. We are all are our own special and unique individuals, therefore our experience should be just that - special and unique.

If you have experienced the loss of your baby, or any loss, you should feel free to walk through that pain the way you need to. 

Note I said walk through the pain. Not drown indefinitely in that pain. That would not be healthy. 

A year ago I was so upset knowing that very few people would remember or even know about our second baby. I wondered if a year down the road I would still feel that way.

Today I know I will never forget, and that I always want that sweet little life to be remembered by our little family. And celebrated. That baby is a part of our story, and helped us be the people we are today. That baby is a gift - I have a baby with Jesus.

So as today marks one year since being separated from our baby, I am more thankful then sad. 

I feel quite certain I will always mourn the loss of that baby's life, however that mourning is not keeping  me stuck in the past. We've walked through the pain. 

And on the other side is a sweet thankfulness.

A thankfulness that we were entrusted with that precious little life, even for such a brief time.

Thankful, as strange as it sounds, that if we had to loose this baby, we never were able to hold our baby and bond. We recently had to to watch our sweet friends loose a baby hours after a full term delivery. Our path has been nowhere  near as difficult and painful as theirs!

Thankful that we have baby who never knew pain, but only the arms of Jesus' embrace.

Thankful for what that sweet baby taught us about our family, each other, and Christ.

Thankful that we will meet again one day.

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Please remember that tomorrow, October 15,  is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Light a candle at 7 pm tomorrow night in memory of lives lost.